afk4life

going back to afk4l.blogspot.com for a bit

2010-08-17T22:33:00.000-04:00

Hi folks, I'm going back to afk4l.blogspot.com for a bit as afk4l.com is running out shortly. Sorry I haven't been posting lately but it's been a very busy summer for work, trying to get things sorted. I should be able to get this in order soon but if anyone wants to help out, please hit my Paypal button at right -- it's appreciated! Just things are tight atm.

basics - part two

2010-06-20T15:13:00.002-04:00

I made him drive and prayed my beat up Grand Am would survive that trip.
He has his permit, I know he’s not supposed to drive at night with it and we did get stopped once and it was starting to get scary with the old cop making me do the sober test but then his radio crackled and his face went white, he jumped in the cruiser and spun it around so fast it nearly took out oncoming traffic. Don’t they fucking teach these guys pursuit driving?
‘We have to go,’ whisper Justin, ‘now.’
And he pulls me down and kisses me right on the lips which is like the second time he’s pushing me somewhere I desperately don’t want to go but do but then I realize he’s pulling me around so I don’t see behind him and I just catch a glimpse of an orange sky, like orange-soda orange, that scares me so bad.

‘Get off the MassPike,’ he says.
‘Why?’
‘Just do’
I say fuck and pull off, I don’t know these roads at all so I’m fumbling with GPS and suddenly it pops up ‘data unavailable’ I mean it’s a fucking satellite. I hit OnStar and get nothing. Static. Last resort, I’ll just hit Google Maps on my Sprint cel. No signal. What the fuck???
‘Now do you see?’ he asks and fuck I see his face in the dawn and I’m so scared like never since I was eight I have to throw open the door and puke and then he’s on top of me and this time it is sexual cos he can read me and for just a few minutes I forget the past six hours and don’t even ask why he doesn’t want to use condoms.
I’m shocked, I mean fuck I for sure am attracted to him as hell but somehow I didn’t stop myself and now he’s driving like he knows exactly where to go even though there’s no fucking lights anywhere I can see.
‘Watch out!’ I scream cos ya that’s a fucking Store24 right there and he slams right into it, skidding it like he doesn’t want to damage the car too bad.
The ATM goes all over the place like a split watermelon and I expect an alarm but there’s just silence so I start to grab cash.
‘Leave it,’ he says.
‘Why?’
‘It’s worthless.’
And he’s smashing everythong in the store open with a crowbar so I just go along, throwing all the food and shit into my car so much I have knock down the backseats, not even stopping to think wtf are you doing Christian cos everytime I try he slams me against the wall and grabs my dick just enough to make me lose all concentration.
Our loot is significant I guess, I mean he hit a store where the owner must have been some sort of survivalist ironically, three guns, tons of food and yeah the kid just had to smash his way into the liquor store next door.
And he’s trying to stop me from thinking with the sex thing and shoving Jack down my throat along with his, uhm, but I’m starting to kind of realize this is no accident.

He found it and I’m so smashed and confused he helps me to the bed I mean fuck Christian you’ve just knocked over like four stores and he peels my jeans off gentle so just make it better by getting fucked by a sixteen year old kid. But it feels so good and I’m so tired I don’t fight back even when I was with Jamie it never felt this intense but gentle and Jamie always had his freakout about kissing but Justin doesn’t at all, fuck that’s almost the best part and it makes me cry cos why couldn’t I have found this when I was his age?

Probably the same reason he never did. And we’re lying together in bed and here at the cabin it’s just like always in the morning, a bit cool, all the world around us waking up with tentative squawks, but fuck with him next to me it’s so much better...it’s just perfect.
‘I have a confession,’ he whispers and fuck I hate when people say that shit.
‘Don’t say you’re in lo-’
‘My dad knew your dad.’

basics - part one

2010-06-18T21:08:00.001-04:00

It’s Friday, cold, miserable Friday in the middle of fucking June and I can’t be fucked to call up anyone for another stupid night ending up facedown in a pizza. I would just stay home and drink, I still have half a thing of Smirnoff somewhere, but that would mean scooping up beer cans and McD’s bags to find it. Much easier to just go out and waste the paycheck. Not a gay bar, just a regular bar, there’s a place next to me that’s also next to the Westin so most likely anyone in there is just a businessman or tourist and won’t know me so I can just scoff down a few martinis in peace.
I sit at the bar and order mine, Ketel Martini, dirty as fuck, suck it down and get another. Twelve bucks a pop that means I got to stop at around four or five. It’s been so long since I’ve been to a bar I fish out a cigarette and almost get tackled before I get it lit. Oh, yeah, didn’t see the giant nazi flag on the wall, can’t smoke in bars anymore. If it gives me pleasure it must be wrong.
‘Let him smoke,’ says a man next to me, dressed in what seems like an expensive suit and his wedding band is practically glinting in the dim lamps and I’m thinking oh fuck Christian what is it with you being like the porno Frodo always seeking out the ring which just like now is attached to Golem.
I don’t really fucking care tbh. He just dropped six hundreds on the bar to shut them up so I spose if he really wants a bj then he’s good for the cash. Can’t remember the last time I actually gave someone a blowjob that I wanted to so fuck it all.
‘Sean Tell,’ he says, exuding that sickening CEO charm so much I have to suck on my martini to avoid puking it. I guess he thinks I’m drinking it to seem classy, but the reality is there’s not many drinks you can buy at a bar legally these days that will knock you out.
‘Christian,’ I mutter and shake his hand.
‘I work for...’ and he mutters the name of some big oil company that’s been all over the news here lately, no wonder his handshake felt so slippery.
He senses my reaction and acts apologetic, ya, I know, same shit different decade, all the Nazis were just following orders too. Save it. I’ll suck your dick, you give me cash, I could give a fuck less about you. That’s how this works.
He chokes a bit on his drink so maybe that wasn’t his first plan but since I brought it up so to speak it’s intriguing him.
‘Okay, fine, if you want to, but I really need someone for my son.’
‘I don’t do kids.’
He turns bright red and coughs and fuck Christian I guess maybe you should be around normal people more if you want to not scare them, but he recovers.
‘No, no, it’s not that at all. He...he needs someone to talk to. I think he’s gay and he doesn’t trust me, well, Christian, to be honest I think he hates me.’
How the fuck it is that gay people never pick up I’m gay but straight ones do is beyond me.
‘Why shouldn’t he hate you? I mean look what you do, you might as well be-’
‘Two thousand dollars just to talk to him...and you don’t have to...do the other thing.’
‘You’re just gonna get me arrested.’
‘No, I promise-’
‘Promises don’t work on me.’

But he’s persuasive and shit and twenty minutes later I’m alone in his hotel room with his kid just about as nervous as can be, kid’s sixteen and like most older people his dad must think the kid is stupid. I fish a bottle of wine out of the mini bar, hell it’s not my money.
‘He didn’t send you here to...uhm...’
‘Lose your virginity? No. I hope he’s not that stupid.’
‘This is gonna sound real strange...but you’re old...and...well...’
‘Well what?’
He steals the wine from me and swigs it before I can move. Fucker is fast.
‘Could you give me a hug and tell me it’s gonna be okay?’
‘I’ll give you a hug, kiddo, but I won’t lie to you.’
He jumps on that so fast I wonder if his dad ever gave him a hug, which is a bit weird but okay I guess, he needs it to feel safe.
‘It’s not gonna be okay, kiddo, you got a lot of shit and it doesn’t help your dad is responsible for destroying an entire coastline and the lives of millions of people and killing a lot of innocent animals.’
Fucker drank all the wine and for a minute I’m wondering what happens if someone busts in the door and finds me with a drunk sixteen year old but fuck not much point in stressing there. I grab more, fuck wine, raid the liquor section, his dad’s juice all over my shorts will protect me.
I’m nervous as fuck cos he pushes me on the bed but he doesn’t want sex, he just wants affection and attention so I guess that’s okay, it’s been too long since someone hugged me like they actually needed me and it’s kinda nice.

I actually fell asleep like that and it was the kid, Justin’s his name, woke me up with a hand in my pocket which turned out to be him only trying to fish my cigs out but fuck if that didn’t get me terrified and horny all at once.
‘You shouldn’t smoke those,’ I say, ‘fucking kill you.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘What?’
‘What you said. My dad’s gonna kill the world long before these kill me.’
I need a cig myself after that so I try to steal them back but he goes all art movie and insists on lighting one for me like fuck is this kid’s only experience from old movies?
‘You know he’s not coming back, right, Chris?’
I choke cos no one has called me Chris in ten years. Not since my ex ran off on me, not since my parents took sick on their second honeymoon cruise and died. And what the fuck does he mean, he’s not coming back.
‘Take me to your place?’
‘What about your mom?’
‘What mom? You have a place outside the city, right?’
And yeah somehow I do, how the fuck he knew about my parent’s cabin in the Berkshires is starting to worry me.
‘We need to go there now,’ he says.
‘What??’
‘He...Robert doesn’t do anything by mistake, Chris. He picked you. He knew he could trust you to take care of me when...’
‘When what?’
‘Please...’
And fuck I’m still a bit more buzzed than I want to be to drive but something about this is starting to scare me sober and fuck it’s three, all the cops are sleeping by now...
‘Chris.’
‘What?’
‘They fucked up, okay, they fucked up real bad and you don’t want to see the six AM news.’
‘Why?’
‘It...it’s prolly gonna be the last thing you see if you do.’

i'm such ninties kid

2010-05-30T00:16:00.000-04:00

this brings back memories

2010-05-28T01:04:00.001-04:00

GHB and atropine wafting through stale cigarette smoke and spent vodka bottles, trashed like the rooms of my life. Naw, I’m not that intersting.
I only got as far as the vodka and cigs, well, okay I tried acid a few times but it just made me so horny I stopped cos the only kids I ever got into were straight boys, easy enough to get them to go just a bit far but then I feel guilty.
This is a real bitch cos I don’t want to rape or even seduce anyone, fuck, if the cutest kid in the world splayed himself out ass naked in front of me I’d light a cig and say ‘oh’ cos that’s not me.
Scrub my brain and let me start again, right, I’m so fucking wired wrong like I want a cute kid way younger to meet up and beat me into submission, make me take it even if all it starts out is ‘there’s nothing wrong with having a fag for a friend, hell you can always get a bj’ like I’m subtle no fuck and just maybe he’s like ‘are you any good’ and I’m all ‘fuck dude I have a dick how the f can a fishy bitch on the rag compete?’
So he just smiles and I kinda freak cos that was way too direct but he’s all ‘you wanna see it?’ and fuck this has gotta be our secret which means I gotta trust and bond but he’s so goddamn cute. He’s painting something, yeah, he’s weird like that, always has his paints with him and sketching or painting so I’m like ‘paint it on the wall’.
So he’s painting and the shit comes up so fast I can just react.
‘You’re old enough to be my dad.’
‘I hope for fucks sake that isnt true.’
‘You got money?’
‘Not really. Maybe down the road.’
‘You’re poz, that still freaks me out.’
‘Well I won’t lie it sucks,’
‘Well they say it’s just like having diabetes or some shit.’
‘Dude, if I had diabetes and nothing else would you even be saying this shit?’
Long pause.
‘So do you really wanna get into this shit, cos I’ll just be up front I want to wake up to you fucking me every day for the rest of it all and not fucking care about anything more.’
‘Naw, sorry man, I’m too freaked. But you can maybe suck me off I guess.’
And maybe that would be enough but it’s not, fuck me for trying. I send him on his way and I look at the paint still drying on the wall, so humid it never will.
It’s my routine and I just keep it. Suck on a half-smoked Pall-Mall I ditched earlier and try to conjure, conjure some fantasy that gets me hard but half time it doesn’t work. I’m too fucking realistic to fantasize I just accept I must have committed an ultimate crime against nature with a life sentence that means I just thik of what might have been.
And no, I’m not killling myself, I’m way too chicken ‘sides I’d just fuck it up. I know how to do it right, slow and painful so it goes out with pain and screams from cigs and voidka and too much beer.
And I’m such the artful dodger cos only in my mind could that situ happen. I’m alone and always will be, I fucked up every chance I might have had cos I was too stupid. Fun fun. The kids aren’t all right but u can’t do shit to make it better and if u try it will only make it worse. Some bad ends are meant to be and nothing wil stop it
‘Night Mother.

thomas - 6

2010-05-22T19:37:00.002-04:00

‘It’s for you, Andy,’ says Ellie, puzzled. ‘Certified no less. Who knows you’re here?’
‘Mom prolly sorted that I wasn’t coming back I guess. Hopefully she learned not to pass out with a lit cig in her hand by now.’
He opens it.Looks like just a piece of folded paper, something in it falls to the floor.
Simple, slow drunken scrawl across it in oversized letters so big it makes his heart flip: I’’m sorry I’s such a piece of shit. Here’s your cut, it was all a game anyways but guess that wasn’t fair to you. Have a nice life and I hope the day comes that you forgive me and let me see you again.
‘It’s a bank check,’ says Thomas, picking it up before he yelps like it bit him.
‘What?’ asks Ellie.
But the ink says it all: $212,500.
‘What the fuck?’ says Andy. ‘Okay, she must have been really smashed. Let me call her.’
A pang of guilt as he realizes just how fast the time got away when he and Thomas became official, it’s been over a month or more since he called her.
The phone doesn’t even ring before he gets a message stating the number is disconnected.
‘What the fuck?’ he says again. Suddenly he’s starting to panic and feel dizzy. He notices now the postmark on the letter isn’t New York or London, it’s Boston. He’s never even been to Boston, not sure his mom had either, then he remembers she went to college there.
‘I must have dialed wrong,’ he mumbles. ‘Let me try again.’
Same result, and now he’s fighting his memory to recall the name of the building, but it’s not happening.
‘Fuck,’ he says, and they’re all looking at him like expecting him to cry because he can’t deny what’s literally right in his face now. It was all a scam? A joke? Marry some rich Brit banker and put up with a shit marriage and a kid she didn’t want just to get insurance. And he’s thinking back now and remembers that time a few years ago when his stepdad got real sick and had to go to hospital, the doctors giving him hours to live before the old man finally came back to life with no explanation. Was it really that simple?
History is a nasty thing that bites at your heels for life, and now he’s having to deal with it, never knowing who his real dad was just that him and his mom were together for bare months before it ended. The cold rooms of his kidhood, never wanting for anything but never loved, just tolerated. He wonders if he’s why his real dad left, if he was just, what do they call it, collateral damage?
Tears come quick and easy now and Thomas catches him before he starts to drop.
As much as he hated the old man and her, part of him needs to know the whole story, the truth, and now he has 212,000 reasons not to to. A sick part of him is wondering what percentage this money is, was he her partner in crime, what was that worth? 50%? 33%? 25%? Or even less?
That night is the first he doesn’t feel like sex, and Thomas seems okay with that, happy to just hold him.
His mind won’t let it go, any of it, he has to know now.
‘We need to get you a passport,’ he whsipers to Thomas, ‘you okay with that?’
‘Yeah, baby, I feel so bad for you. But I’m here for you, I guess this really fucks you up.’
‘Yeah...I mean...I need to find dad. My real dad.’
Somewhere, 4500 miles off, there might be an answer to the question crowding his head like a church tower overstuffed with bats.

my blogspot/youtbe story...

2010-05-22T00:57:00.002-04:00

It’s a year on Blogspot. And I lost my cyanide capsules so...
Wow, where to begin? Not even sure where this came from. But it means so much to me now, even if I’ve only barely talked to them, a lot of people have been part of my life for almost two years now and I’ve seen them all grow and change.
I saw a kid playing Linkin Park (yeah storycorey that’s you) on piano (vid is now gone), hell, he’s like 16 or 17 and so talented, he has links all over the place about him and his friends, guess what, they’re all scary talented. So I subscribe to them on Youtube and wow not gonna lie I was well depressed Xmas 08 and that got me through, even got me to buy my own cam I didn’t have money for and do a really bad video that I guess people liked. I got high ambitions but no one to really do it with.
I started following blogs then, reading, it was just so cool how people could put themselves out there so much. I sub’d to every friend or mention of storycorey and holy shit that ended up being a lot. @corporalcadet, your vids got me through a New Year’s alone. Cos it didn’t feel so alone then and fuck...
Around May ‘09 I fumbled across Nick and his blog well I read the entire thing start to cover, his friends too Shane and Sasha and Sherri especially. I hope I have been a great friend to you, I always put you guys first.
There’s been collabs and such from then on and I met other cool people like Kier and DC (you scare the shit out of me, there’s no way I can come close) and fuck if for the first time ever people were treating me nice for how I want to be known.
Okay time for shit part where I forget someone cos there’s been too many and fuck if I could just meet all of you IRL...(okay if that hapened it’d be international news)
@Nick...I hope you’re not pissed at me. I still consider you the best friend I ever made. Prolly the guy I shoulda been with in the first place.
@SarcastBastard dude if you were a man I’d marry you and enjoy long years of bar fights
@Sasha If only we had been able to get together,idk. I love you but I’m too protective.
@Kier you have so much talent it scares me. I wish I coulda made it to NY then.
@Malc You knock something over inside me, idk what it is but you upset the natural order of things and I love that
@Shane i love how you are so pragmatic. If only I were that together
@DC you mentoned me once or twice I know. I would try and aspire to match you but I’m not even close.
@3xixty5days@fuckyeahwolfboy U showed me something I denied to be real
@JoeBonte@dirtyalchemy@dudeliawesome@neonbluetornado All u guys are perfect in your own ways, idk if anyone else sees it but you are @neonbluetornado yeah, you, especially you.
@CorySehnert all I can say is thanks for giving me a world
@patrickcavill@corporalcadet You have so much talent and committment it scares me, keep it up
@necromachine Your photog ia amazing and you can be so serious but such a goof. Don’t ever let that go.
All of you guys including ones I totoally blipped on mentioning made this past year the best and most challenging ever, and I love all of you for it. I consider you all friends and I really hope in 2010 to take it further, I know I’m older than most you but I’m very immature :p Seriously...thank all of you for all you’ve done, I mean go back to May 09 my first post and see how I’ve changed. I’ma take a few days but email me /brave qrkyxboy [at] gmail. I love you all....gonna go cry now.

thomas - 5

2010-05-21T17:11:00.001-04:00

Andy wakes with a start to what sounds like Saving Private Ryan on a THX Home Theater set to max volume. Fucking jackhammers and hangovers don’t mix. Doesn’t understand how his new friend, er, boyfriend? can sleep right through them. But Thomas told him already the only reason he woke up during Katrina was cos he was half underwater, that’s real fucked up, I mean kid went to sleep trusting the TV reports that all was okay, they’d dodged the worst and wakes up like that with everyone in his house missing or dead.
He focuses now on a more pleasant noise coming from the living room, someone is playing that giant instrument that looks like a violin and singing something. He starts to pull on jeans but it’s so fucking hot he just wanders out in his boxers. There’s some old man sitting there playing who looks up, startled, but doesn’t stop playing, just smiles. Andy wonders how the man learned to make music like that. He stands awkwardly for a minute, taking a swig of the whiskey he forgot he was holding. The old man stops singing, but doesn’t stop strumming.
‘Boy, you just gonna stand there, or you gonna help out a thirsty old man?’
‘Oh, sorry, sir, here.’
The old man laughs and says ‘who you callin sir?’, takes a swig and resumes singing.
Andy spies a banged up piano, well, banged up is an understatement, looks as if it was dropped off the Empire State Building, but it works so he picks up on the rhythym and tries to keep up. This is a long way from classical piano like he learned but he figures out soon enough to not think too much and just play.
It’s a good minute or two before he realizes he’s the only one still playing, though the old man is humming along to whatever randomness he’s doing.
‘Ellie must have been more of a mom to you than ah thought,’ says a voice, and it’s Jacques, with a big plate of food and some cold beers. Cold beer sounds like the best thing in the world right now.
‘So, sonny, you gonna introduce me to your new houseguest?’ asks the old man.
‘Oh, sorry, pops, this here is Andy, he’s, well, he’s a best friend of Thomas.’
‘Pleasure to meet you, boy, I’m Charles, I’m this crazy cajun’s pops. You play good.’
‘I just learned in school, they made me.’
‘So how did you and Thomas hook up?’
‘Saw him doing his thing on the street, he looked like a cool kid, the rest, well it just sorta happened.’
Thomas comes stumbling in, sleepy-eyed, makes a dive for the food and a beer.
‘Heya pops,’ he mumbles through a mouthful. ‘You guys met?’
‘Yeah, boy, we just did, he’s got hidden talents.’
That makes Thomas choke before the old man mentions the piano and it’s all Andy can do not to laugh.
‘What am I missing here?’ asks pops.
‘We’re...we’re sort of together,’ says Andy before he realizes it and there’s a good minute of silence before pops breaks it by laughing, first quietly, then so loud it’s rattling the windows.
Now he’s all embarrassed cos he didn’t mean to say it and it’s the first time he’s admitted to himself or anyone what he’s thinking, so he tries to recover and sputter something but not much is coming out to make it better, it’s only making things worse because it’s making the old man laugh more before he finally interrupts.
‘Don’t start denyin’ what you said, it don’t bother me none and you can ask that guy Peter in the Bible just how that works out, okay, boy?’
Andy was asleep during that lesson, so he just blinks and before he realizes it Thomas has an arm around him.
‘Oh, shit,’ he whispers, wishing now he’d put on jeans cos whenever Thomas does that his body reacts whether he wants it to or not.
‘Let me tell you boys a story,’ says Pops. ‘In my day, when I was you boys’ age, things was a lot worse off for colored folk. But I was like Thomas, too smart for all of them, so I found myself mixing with people who weren’t my type. And sure ‘nough, I met this nice young lady. A white girl. Laura. I had my feelings for her and those were some strong feelings but everyone ‘cept us kept saying it was impossible. So I did the gentlemanly thing and broke it off. But not before things got real complicated, she was with child and the hell we went through to make sure the twins was our secret. Eventually her folk figured it out and that was a world of hurt. If I’d been a real man I would have stood right up to them people and told them to stick it where the sun don’t shine, but I was a coward. So they grew up without a mother and I grew up without a wife, just two twins and a lonely old man. Me and Laura, well, after they’s born we never much saw each other again and pretended not to know one another if we did. Long story short, she drove her daddy’s Roadmaster into Ponchartrain a year later. So if you boys is “together” well just go with it and try to make it work, trust me, anything else you try ain’t gonna be better and might be a whole lot worse.’
Andy swallows hard and tries to think his hard-on down, he gets what the old man’s saying and gets he’s the kind of man who won’t say that more than once.
‘Hey, come sit in my lap, Andy,’ whispers Thomas, pulling him on top of him. ‘They get together and play a couple of times a week, I think you’ll like it.’
He does, nervous, but they start jamming and he does like it, just wishes Thomas’ hand wasn’t about an inch from his dick cos he can’t stop thinking about it. Thomas pulls him close so his mouth is just an inch from his ear.
‘Don’t worry, baby, I’m gonna fuck your brains out in a bit, okay,’ he whispers.
And this is what life should be like, good food, good music, lots of beer and someone you love willing to pound your ass whenever you want.

thomas - 4

2010-05-16T01:01:00.001-04:00

Sept 2005

‘Jesus fuck me,’ yelled the Ranger. ‘This is way worse than anything I saw in Iraq.’
‘They don’t have water there,’ yelled the Marine back which got him the worst bloody nose ever and might have been worse if another crew member hadn’t managed to hold the Ranger down.
‘Boys, we’re here to do a job, obviously the hurricane did a fucking number-’
‘Easy for you to fucking say, you don’t have family down there, and come to fucking find out the whole reason for this mess is the Army. I’m so glad dad got killed in Desert Storm so he couldn’t see this shit.’
‘Soldier, shut the fuck-’
And that was about when the radioman cried ‘I see someone, the roof’ then ‘duck!!!’
‘NOPD, NOPD we have a live one spraying us with automatic weapons fire, request-’
Blood everywhere.
Stall warning, stall warning.
‘Fuck we’re just trying to fucking help!’
‘Fuck dude stop shooting!’
‘Mayday, mayday, National Guard chopper 696, we’re gonna crash, pilot is out’
‘Fuck you can’t stop this, you don’t how to fly??!’
‘Fuck you’
‘You’re in the fucking Air Force and you can’t fly? I always knew there was a reason I didn’t trust you bastards-’
‘Impact, five seconds, I got autorotation!’ yelled the nervous kid throwing everything he had at the bloodstained controls.
The Marine looks at him in shock.
‘You’re a fucking sixteen year old kid from Red Stick and you can crash land this but the Air Force fuck can’t???’
‘Hold on!’
At least the blades went sailing someplace safe, next the stupid kid from Red Stick knew he was scratching at his safety belt and trying to wipe blood from his eyes.
‘Jordan,’ he yelled, shaking one lifeless body after another, ‘talk to me! Sean! Paul! John?!’
‘Son?’ called a voice and he tensed.
‘You killed them, dammit Jacques, you killed them!’ screamed Thomas.
‘Jesus Christ, Tommy, I lost where I was, I forgot-’
‘You killed them!’

Now

Jacques was better now. Or John Jacques as he used to be known. PFC ‘Crazy Cajun’ who got decorated many times over for being the crazy cajun, Crazy Cajun who took the army option over jail and still ended up shooting down a Guard copter after Katrina. Sure, there was no one alive but him and Thomas who could prove it and his godson sure wasn’t gonna talk.
‘Hey, son, how are you?’ he asks and Thomas just sighs, fakes a smile, brushes Andy’s sleeping face.
‘Fucking great, uncle, I guess I’m a fag who-’
‘Hey, hey shut up. Andy’s a good apple and I can get why you want to look after him. Sure know his parents didn’t, Elise brought me all the way to New York City to help out and I couldn’t believe what I saw. I mean, how those folk raise their own, it’s disgusting.’
‘He’s not like that, Uncle, I mean-’
‘He never was when I was there. I took him to the biggest park you ever saw and let him fly his model airplane. You know he’d built like ten of those things and until I showed up he never got to fly them? How do people live up there.’
‘What’s New York like?’
‘Oh shit, son, there’s a million people everywhere and they’re all in such a hurry. Not the sort of folk who’d take time on a Sunday for Leah’s special, you know?’
Jacques smokes and gives Thomas one, the smoke wakes Andrew up so he gets one too and there’s a bottle of whiksey passed around.
‘Mister, I remember you now,’ whispers Andy, sleepy, ‘you were that nice guy Elise brought up.’
‘Ain’t such a nice guy, kiddo. And we got troubles now, guy like you dad-’
‘Stepdad’
‘Guy like him goes missing, there’s trouble. They’re gonna be looking for you.’
‘I can fix this, mister, I can. I mean the part about me.’
‘I’m all ears,’ says Jacques but before he can finish the kid has his cel phone out.
‘Mom? Mom, it’s Andrew, yeah, I’m fine, dad cut me loose and I got lost, but you remember Elise? My nanny.? Yeah, well, her brother and his nephew found me so I’m fine and with them, I don’t know where Rory is, he was drunk at some strip club last I saw him. No, don’t come down, I’m okay with them for now, I’m catching up. Elise?’
Andy looks panicked so Jacques takes the phone.
‘Miss Mott? Jacques here, Elise’s brother. He’s fine, we got him a room and everything. Ellie’s just making up some food at the moment but I’ll make sure he calls you-’
He jumps and hangs up.
‘Jesus,’ he says, ‘kid, your mom is as bad as him.’
‘What, what did she say?’
Jacques shrugs and only after Andrew punches him in the nuts does he cough it up.
‘She said to keep you and feed you and hope his body turns up so she can collect on the insurance money, I’m sorry, that’s word for word what she said.’
A long silence and Thomas can tell Andy is trying not to cry but he is so he just holds him, it feels right and no shame anymore there.
‘Hey, kiddo, you boys can take Johnny’s room, I mean, I’m not gonna question...you have the one bed in there and no more squatting, you got someone else to look after besides yourself now so me an’ Ellie will help out okay?’
‘Thanks, Uncle Jacques.’
‘Don’t thank me, just you boys help out with getting my store back working, okay?’

It’s a warm bed and food and Thomas kinda wants sex (from a boy!) but he’s not gonna push it, seems now there’s a lot of time to figure that one out for them. No matter how fucked up this is, he’s somehow glad to curl up next to Andy and kiss his hair cos for the first time in forever it feels safe and he sleeps so easy.

thomas -3

2010-05-15T20:37:00.001-04:00

I have to step back now.
We’re in the murder city and nothing is what it seems, fuck if being with Andrew isn’t making me forget that too easy.
We’re back in the Quarter, it’s drizzling so it was already stupid to bother. And this old guy grabs his arm and I just go crazy and whack the shit out of him, at least I was smart enough to pull him out of sight before I finished him.
‘Fuck, dude,’ Andy says and it’s weird like he feels bad but not really.
‘Go grab some bleach,’ I say, ‘not from the seven seven, the other place, they got no cams there.’
I hope he’s fast, we got maybe thirty minutes before cops are on us. I can’t rely on Andrew, I gotta make a call to the nastiest guy I know, he’ll know what to do.
They both show up at the same time.
‘What’s the bleach for?’ Andrew asks, and I’m just like ‘haven’t you ever watched CSI’ before Jacques (nastiest guy I know) says ‘Andy?’
And now I’m real confused cos it’s a sudden family reunion with a corpse down there we gotta deal with.
Andrew bites his lip before he says it.
‘That’s my dad, and John here is the brother of my nanny.’
I just flop right then cos this got way out of control but Andrew, Andy, he isn’t upset.
‘Let’s dump him,’ he says.
‘Dude, that’s your dad, fuck, I’m sorry I didn’t know,’ is all I can say.
‘He’s my stepdad and he’s nicer like this,’ he says at the same time Jacques spits on the corpse.
‘Thomas, you want to shed tears, do it somewhere else, he raped my sister and when she quit I suppose he moved on to this young man.’
So bleach it is, and a bath in Ole Miss, and now we’re all sitting around drinking whiskey to avoid talking and fuck I wonder if I did this to Andrew.
It’s quite easy to make someone disappear in the real world, not so easy in your mind.
And now it’s all kind of shit cos Andy just got ten times more attached, we’re in bed and he won’t let go of me.
Àndy smiles and just out and says it, ‘you love me, right?’ and

fuck if I know what to say.

thomas - 2

2010-05-10T18:40:00.001-04:00

It’s too fucking early for this shit, I mean just cos it’s black folk they can get away with jackhammers at seven AM? And I guess I’m getting used to the new me cos he’s all layed out on his stomach ass naked and I go with it, fuck the shit outta that and it’s not like pussy, it’s so tight I pretty much cum at once.

‘You gonna jerk off?’ I ask and he just says no, hell what the fuck is he doing with a poor tap kid like me, I know he likes when I fuck him cos not gonna lie got a big dick but not much else to offer.
‘Can you do that again?’
‘Fuck boy, you’re gonna wear me out,’ I mumble and wondering if I can get hard again so quick but he’s got his hand on it and shit I’m hard all over again. He’s gonna kill me.
‘We can’t be like open about this,’ is all I can say, biting my lip cos this feels too good.
‘Just shut up and fuck the shit outta me, okay?’
Fuck, I guess okay, I mean not like doing it is gonna give me a kid so I do and I’m more getting off on how he acts when I do than how it feels, I mean he wants to be,so bad like hell.

And we’re back at Leah’s, huingover and shit but we’ll get beer to fix that soon enough, gumbo for breakkfast and we’re at a booth and he grabs my dick right there. Thank fuck no one saw that.
‘Not here,’ I whisper tho I got an instant hard-on. ‘Fuck, man control yourself.’
Before last night I never guessed a dude might want to get fucked and now I’ve got one on my hands who wants it all the time. Which is a bit off but I can just tell myself he’s a bitch to make it right, he acts like one sometimes, whines when I can’t give him more. Shit, I never got worn out by any bitch but he’s gonna kill me even before I stop to think that I’m fucking a dude. Which I won’t, I just try to ignore the dick when I hit that shit.

‘Your not really here on business trip, are ya?’ I ask later while we munch on slices of pizza from Jerry’s. I kinda put off saying that but you’re not likely to get much past me, been working streets since I was ten so I learned.
‘I ran away.’
Okay, that makes sense, NOLA PD sure as fuck won’t come down here for much less than a nuclear bomb. If that was spose to shock me, he failed.
‘Why?’
‘Shit, dad is here to get laid is all. One business meeting, ten hookers, always the same shit anytime he takes me someplace to make it okay with mom.’
‘Look, I’m not, you know, gay and shit, I mean I’m cool with you being-’
‘Shut up and fuck me?’
I almost drop my slice but fuck if that doesn’t make me hard all at once. This is easy, I won’t lie I never thought I’d ever do shit with a dude but hell it’s pretty damned simple, he likes it and he’s bought all three meals so far so I can go with this. Not gonna think about what it means when the money runs out, I kinda like how this works, just give him what he wants and he pays for all else.
He plays with my cock this time and fuck trying not to think about it but shit he’s good with his hands. I don’t think I ever got so hard before and now he’s sucking on me like fuck.
I hate to say it but it’s actually cool to have a guy pay attention like this. Not like complicated, he just wants to get fucked, well okay all the time, but no baggage.
‘Doesn’t it hurt?’ I ask, yeah, I’m curious.
‘Do you want me to, uhm?’
Fuck if I don’t just say okay, I’m so nervous but I let him. It’s not at all like I thought, yeah, I guess I made myself a fag but he’s...gentle. It hurts for a bit but then it’s kinda like being dipped in butter, I just lose my mind a bit and let him go, try not to think Thomas there’s a cock up your ass. Which is pretty fucked up cos he starts to pull out but I just say leave it in and cum and suddenly I’m not wanting this situ to change at all so I just kiss him which surprises both of us but he’s cumming in me.
‘Silly white boy,’ I mumble but I hold him tight right now I want him in me forever.
‘I’m cumming again,’ he says.
And somehow this just feels so nice just maybe okay for me to touch hs when we’re alone, maybe okay that he bites a lot when he’s horny, all of this might not be so bad.
Fuck, Thomas, where is this going? I just wanna fuck the shit outta him forever.Oh, fuck.

thomas - 1

2010-05-09T18:57:00.001-04:00

It’s so fucking hot.

The sun is baking and crackle of thunder is my only hope.

Do this once more, dance for them before it gets dark and I can pull the taps off cos I feel like someone smacked my ankles with a pipe.

This kid has been standing here for near as long as me and not said a word, juat a goofy smile and occasionally tossing money in my box, weird money too not like any I ever saw.

It’s sundown, time to go, so I have to do this once more and it doesn’t much matter as now the people passing by are all so smashed. Hell, not everyone can handle this town. And I’m done and just counting out shit when that kid speaks.

‘Hello,’ he says, ‘I’m Andrew.’

‘Thomas,’ I mumble just to be polite. Damn, he’s pushy as now he wants to buy me dinner.

‘White boy, you gonna buy me dinner?’

He looks down, embarrassed, so I guess I was too harsh, I mean it does seem like he’s trying to just be friendly.

‘Sorry,’ he says, and now I get he’s got some English accent, ‘I was only trying-’

‘You really wanna buy me dinner?’

‘Well, if it’s all right.’

‘Your parents would-’

‘I’m here with my father and I doubt he notices I’m gone. I want to make a friend.’

I consider him for a minute before I make the conditions, hell, we’re going to Leah’s and he’s gonna have a hell of a time there, but if he really wants to buy me food then.

‘Can you pay for a cab?’

‘A cab?’

‘A taxi?’

‘Sure, sure, right, where are we going?’

I just smile and next he knows we’re out of the Quarter going some place he never even knew existed.

Now, let me be clear. Leah’s is a dive in the worst part of New Orleans, seventh ward, that makes food better than any of those fancy rated places. We don’t say ‘Acadian’ down here, it’s all cajun and spicy as hell and not a person here is gonna check his ID. So we get our food and I have to order for him cos he doesn't know what from what and I think he needs subtitles to talk to the waitress

‘It’s like home but better,’ he says, though I can tell the crawfish is about to kill him. I warned him.

‘White boy, there just might be some hope.’

‘I’m drunk,’ he mumbles after only three Abitas and some gator pops.

‘You can stay with me,’ I say before I know what I’m saying.

Now I’m well ashamed and I know he’s getting scared, it’all destroyed down where I squat. Katrina took all of this and my parents too but no one knows so I just sneak in to crash.

‘Your scared yet?’ I ask.

‘A little, but I’m safe with you, right, Thomas?’

Fuck I just laugh, no one here is gonna fuck with me or anyone with me. He gets that, I guess, kicks off his sneakers and I didn’t quite expect it but he jumps right onto the mattress with me, I was just gonna let him crash there and sleep on the floor.

This is weird to be honest, I only slept alone since Katrina took them all away but it’s kinda nice like this.

Oh fuck, he just flopped on top of me and I shoulda pushed him off but I didn’t and now my dick is so hard fuck I didn’t even think I went that way.

His hair smells so nice and clean and I find myself pushing his hand down there, guess I wanna be sexed more than I thought and he’s going along like fuck he’s stroking it so gentle and fuck....

‘Do you wanna do it?’ I ask and fuck Thomas what are you saying but I’m bout to cum just from this and he jumps right on top of it, no rubbers, nothing juts does and it’s weird but I like it I start fucking him it it’s like two seconds before I cum and he can tell, just smiles.

‘Will you jerk me off while you’re still in me?’

I never touched another guy’s dick before but it just feels right so I do, even put my mouth on it when he’s ready.

And I try to say that wasn’t planned or expected but he says shut up so I do and fuck I'm hard again so I just cuddle him and yeah I fuck him again, fuck it’s so tight I just lose myself there and try not to think I’m fucking another boy. That works real good and he likes it.

‘Wake me up like that?’ he asks and I just mumble of course.

Fuck, Thomas what have you done?

no, this is not photoshopped

2010-05-03T12:18:00.000-04:00

Saw this soup mix at the market and couldn't resist for some reason...

...more stories to cum, er, cum...hopefully soon :/
-d

hmmm...i asked for it (part one)

2010-04-25T13:09:00.000-04:00

Put The Lotion In The Basket said... The two penguins sat in total despair at the loss of the love in their lives, the chair. The chair had gone and there was no replacing that fact.

And you know penguins can't well talk but just like people they feel. And they can speak telepathically to one another, that may sound odd but it's quite true. Without the chair in their lives there would be no more hopping up on it to entertain the stupid freckly kids, no more penguin jokes. No, the chair had gone to younger penguins that were cuter and brought in money. Now they just had this small space to last out the remaining years.
'Why do they keep it so cold?' thought one of them and he was well surprised to find a response.
'We're penguins, you dumb fuck, they think we like to freeze our asses off.'
'I would love to be warm for once.'
'It felt like that sometimes.'
'What do you mean?'
'Well, I know I can't fly, but there were times with your feathers against me I felt like maybe I could.'
'That sounds stupid, besides we're both boys.'
'So?'
'Boy penguins don't-'
But he just hops right on top and yeah that actually feels good like too good cos someone closed the curtain on them with all the kids watching. Penguin squirt all over and broken feathers and now its just his beak in all the right places and it feels so comfortable.
'Home?'
'Yeah, this is home.'

challenge...?

2010-04-25T11:41:00.000-04:00

i'ma post something later on today but i want you guys to give me an opening line for a new piece. Try to trip me up, let's see how it goes, email me qrkyxboy/at/gmail with it, I'll obviously credit winner and much love for really fucked up openers :p
<3
-doug

2010-04-24T04:25:00.003-04:00

it all juat starts so simple
and goes so toxic
the acid of living
not just back off at first burn
i bathe in it like a virign ripe to be punished
dont worry i can get my soft pink rectum
virgin again
right

never pierced
never punctuated

just like u want
i can fake it all
and just maybe you do it right
so maybe its not totally fake

don't we all want that
the first time getting fuckd
and it hurt like shit nd somehow we knew that was the end?

i do virgin right
like a teenager at christening by the rough calloused hands of the old Father

and fuck yeah i wonder why i dont remember anything much from then
when i was a 'kid'
i was never innocent
i was always guilty

sins
lust
so now i fucking wait for 11:11 and speak to whatever gods are left that don't fucking hate me
i guess i've done too much bad from trying to do good
made people care when they shouldnt
like a failed jetcraft on slow afterburn
im just a doomed pilot intent on not wiping out more of civilsation than need be
ev'rything is screamin eject, eject

iif u havent lived u cant really die for real right
smoke and contrails of co2
the air is too thin to breathe
but thats not new

burn the limits
realise they're all fake
crashbang fell over something
i just laugh think its funny
but everyone else steps back
like i shoulda known when to
give up

so you sit there
smoking and
fuck i dunno
i just wana go crazy and kill you
take away all the stupid
'fun'

but no we just sip our coffee/coffins in silence
and die slower.

new photos up @ imagesnghosts

2010-04-22T16:50:00.000-04:00

Just uploaded some photogs to my photoblog...if you want to see them, they're here. <3

lunch.

2010-04-22T00:45:00.002-04:00

this is part 3/3, the first two are night and breakfast

our thing

2010-04-21T14:09:00.001-04:00

It's 'our thing' and 'just our thing' even though we don't talk about it, even really admit it. I'm the one with the 'cool mom' as you call her though you don't live with some old woman on disability who's bombed out of her mind so often that the only thing cool about her is I can take as much alcohol or drugs of her as I want and she'll never notice. I guess that's cool, mainly cos she leaves me the fuck alone.
Prolly that's the only reason you put up with me, crash over and let me have fun with your cock while you pretend to sleep, how easy you can tell yourself that hey, no big deal, you were drunk and it doesn't mean anything besides just getting your dick sucked won't make you a faggot like me.
Sometimes I'm well sure that is it, but then there's other times when I manage to get hold of a bit more alc than usual and we blast the music and mosh in my room just having fun and knowing nothing short of a nuclear blast is gonna wake anyone to yell at us, yeah, those times are just too cool and fuck I manage to kinda ruin it sometimes cos after when you crash on the couch out of breath...yeah, those times I can't stop myself as much as I should and I gotta brush your hair and I can tell you get tense then, cos you know what is almost on the tip of my tongue to say and fuck if I ever slip up and drop that bomb then it's all ruined.
I wish I could stop fooling myself into thinking maybe a part of you feels the same. Like when we manage to get a whole weekend together and fuck around at the shops and go to pubs and shit, run around drunk at four in the morning raising hell, don't sleep much, can't sleep for three straight days just drink and drug and smoke.
And then Monday comes round and you have to go and you always put up with me giving you a kiss on the lips, once or twice you even gave me some tongue and laughed that laugh to make sure I knew you were not being serious, just playing. And then I'm just alone sitting in my room and for a while I think maybe go back to sleep and kill off the hangover, but no, the bed's still warm from you and with just me in there it's gonna get so fucking cold it'll give me nightmares.
So I find more booze in one of mom's hiding places and just suck it down and cry to myself while blasting music on headphones and think of you. It hurts so bad to have been with you so much that it's like withdrawal and shit, like I know I'll have nightmares for days now and feel so alone until I can talk you into coming back over.
It's never going to go any further, which just sucks, cos there's always gonna be something you're afraid I'll say and there's always something I'm scared to death you might say one day...

casual sex?

2010-04-21T10:30:00.000-04:00

Get drunk, get crazy, fuck, die a bit to live a lot

It's simple, really
just don't forget which beer can you ashed in
or worse. spit in, cos that'd be like french kissing yourself

Fuck the illusions people cling to like false gods
your prophet is free of lies and chains
The only reason to get on your knees in this life
is to puke
or to suck some cock
genuflection, erection
feel yourself blend to another soul and drink it whole

'casual sex'
it's like picking up a half-smoked cig from the sidewalk
a bit nervous at first
but then you get used to it
hey, just like that's fifty cents you didn't have to waste
that's bad emotions you didn't have to waste
so maybe you catch something now and again
but fuck it, it still works out as win
at least you can be selfish and spend yourself on the only person who loves you

cos at least it was good
you can die in the sun
knowing you at least lived
and probably survived more lives than anyone else could dream of.

the business of surviving.

2010-04-20T17:30:00.006-04:00

life.

2010-04-19T23:43:00.003-04:00

it begins in space
floating, calm, quiet
no gravity
but then the inevitable must take place

entry into the atmosphere
and the heat burning through the skin of the little craft
the little damages start
like heat tiles flying off
a cavity here
a broken arm
a first broken heart, a pain so intense you hope never to feel again
but you will and worse

and the pull of gravity is too intense
now more layers are shredded
insulation exposed, bared, aflame
shaking violently and now
important bits are starting to come off
things you're pretty sure aren't allowed to
now the heat is getting through your defenses
the ocean looms below so blue

you remember from space when it looked like a fun place to play
a cool swim on a hot july day with a best friend

now there is no illusion of distance or lies
the friend betrayed you in the worst way
if you thought your broken heart at six was bad
this is way worse
and the water is full of sharks and jellyfish

eject, eject, your mind screams
and you have to now
the wings are coming off

and now the truth comes as you shoot into air too thin to draw breath from
the flaming tail of the craft slashing into your spine
ever so sharp and neat
for a second you think
that really should have hurt a lot fucking worse
than it did

before you realize you can't feel your legs
your arms
make them work, open your chute
make them work, you scream to no one
hurtling towards earth at a million miles an hour

and this is life
a spinning out of control moment when you know you will die
just milliseconds, really
that feel like years
a scream no one will hear
tears freezing on your face as you gasp for breath
denial
then a wet smack against the sea that may as well be steel

and that is the meaning
a momentary stain of red as the shattered pulpy bits of your shell float uncertainly
before being eaten by passing fish

and to think there was a time
when you thought it would actually
have meant something, anything.

breakfast.

2010-04-17T23:39:00.002-04:00

night.

2010-04-17T22:57:00.005-04:00

un-fallen - part 10

2010-04-15T23:52:00.001-04:00

Summer came and I forced myself to get back to doing tricks. There was some convention in town so business was good and I desperately needed the money, Bernice came down with a summer flu so she couldn't work and we were starting to fall behind on rent and bills.
It was so automatic now, I learned to coax a hard on when I was exhausted, spanked a bunch of fat hairy asses, dressed up in some guy's kid's PJs for him and let him give me a bath, pretty much anything so long as the price was right. I earned a reputation for being a bit crazy and really didn't care, the other rentboys didn't want much to do with me outside of business but were eager to work with me since I looked younger than I was or felt and that meant more money.
One run in with a cop almost went bad and I was sure I was about to get busted but he just wanted to make sure I was being safe, bought me lunch, and I breathed a big sigh of relief when the whole convention left town because I think I had sex in some form or other with like twenty or thirty guys not counting rentboys and it got so meaningless I almost got to the point where I didn't care if used a rubber or not. What did it matter? I came so close that I scared myself a bit and told the hotel I needed to take a couple of days off. I covered our rent for two months and had plenty left over so all I did was crawl into Sy's bed and slept for most of two days.
I kept seeing all the things I'd done with all those men and it made me feel a little sick and a lot worthless. I guess that's pretty much always how it is with sex, though, after so long or so much it just becomes as exciting as making breakfast and once that's gone you never get it back.
That's why mom decided to go off with the Father, I guess, though after what I'd done I couldn't well block out a lot of other fantasy reasons for that combination I didn't want to think about.

'I'm going back home, to Houston,' says Bernice one morning. I never even knew she was from Houston, I realize.
'Why?' I ask, not even thinking about what this means for money. I have a couple of months to figure it out.
'I miss my family,' she says. I don't know if that's the whole truth or not. She's been talking to someone on the phone a lot lately and a lot of it has been yelling and I caught something about a trust fund because she turns twenty-one next month.
'My family won't even talk to me anymore, I guess you're lucky they will.'
'Matty, will you be okay by yourself here?'
I can see she is genuinely concerned, it's not an act, just me and her have one of those weird relationships street kids get, fiercely close and protective but not emotionally connected at all.
'Yeah,' I say, not even sure whether I will or not. I don't want to go back to working at the station and probably once she leaves I will too, go somewhere different where no one knows me or what I am.
She just nods.
'I'll leave you my number in Texas so call me if you need to, okay?'
She and I both know that I won't, but it's a gesture. If her family is rich, there's no way our worlds will cross ever again. Bernice deserves better, I guess, though I wonder how she will do around normal people.
Our silence comes back then, safe and warm like always.

un-fallen - part 9

2010-04-13T23:25:00.000-04:00

Same hotel, same view, I ask him to order something not so spicy. While we're waiting for the food I wander around the room, kicking off my sneakers and hoping he doesn't take that for anything more than they were Sy's and too small for my feet but my own are trashed.
'You weren't acting, that time, were you?' he says finally, quiet.
I don't know how much I want this man to know me, but whatever, I guess, I was pretty much screwed now.
'No, I wasn't, we weren't.'
'I could tell. I've lost someone I loved as well.'
'You had a husband?'
'No, my wife. We were high school sweethearts, married twenty-five years. There isn't a day that goes by I don't cry over her.'
'How...how'd you go from that to...well...'
'Rentboys?'
I jump a bit to be called that, but it's basically calling a spade a spade.
'My wife and two year old boy were coming back from ice cream when a drunk driver crossed the center line and hit them. They died instantly. I was overseas, in Afghanistan, at the time. I never even got to see him because I was over there when she gave birth to him.'
'I thought you might be military. My dad was, also.'
'What branch?'
'Marines. I didn't really know him, either, he left when I was six or so.'
'I was in the Army. Special Forces.'
Small talk, it always makes things seem light for just a few seconds before reality comes flapping back.
'It's the loneliness,' he says. 'That's the worst, that's why I picked up Simon first, and I liked him at once, and it was safe because it was never going to be anything more than what it was. It just made a bit of my life less lonely. Sometimes though I wished it could be more, wished I could give him opportunities that someone else should have given him.'
'Why didn't you then?'
'I'm a fifty-year-old retired Army man living on pension. I didn't have much to offer him. And besides that would be against the rules. Not that I think Simon would have ever agreed to my help, he was already so hardened.'
Yes, the rules, I didn't have to ask the rules because I'd learned that rule the hard way when I broke it. Never fall in love with a rentboy.
And maybe that was the reason he'd really asked me up, I wonder while chewing on a big piece of steak, to remind me not to let that happen if I was still on the job. He did care, as much as he would allow himself to, but he didn't lie awake nights crying quietly over Sy's death because that would be caring to much.
People like me and Sy, we could be cute and sweet and make fantasies seem real, but like Sy said we could never be loved. We were disposable.

yes im lonely - 1

2010-04-11T08:30:00.000-04:00

Cold rain spatters against my black Cons and the old men just look at me, a bit worried. I asked for a cig and one of them gave me a pack of his, like they're all going so out of the way to make this not as bad as it is. He gave me his flask after a bit of pause and it tastes of cold steel and old nicotine and alcohol, I drink it gladly though. I'm so out of place here, dressed in black like everyone else but its Converse and black jeans and a mis-buttoned black shirt and a soaking wet hoody. I feel like everyone is moving around me in a hurry and I'm just stuck in one place like the time when I was little and mom and dad had to rescue me from wet sand at the beach, but back then the memory is about bright blue shovels and seagulls and lots of laughing kids and impatient waiting to run back in the ocean even though it was so damn cold too early for anyone over ten to be that stupid.
'Do you want more, Paul?' asks the man, not really trying to disguise the flask.
'Yes, thanks, Mr. Martin.'
No one can fault me here, and I drink a lot more than my soaked hundred-ten should be able to deal with but I'm so scared. The men of this town are the ones to deal with me, I s'pose, though no one ever really had before.
A lot of ill-fitting suits and sad faces and I know mine must look the worst cos I slept at the funeral home last night, well, didn't really sleep. They didn't know what to say when I refused to leave, so the Doc just said, okay, Paul, and when the others left it got so quiet.

'Do you want some food?' he asked me and I said I'm not really hungry. So he went downstairs to the place where he worked on them and came back with a bottle and a couple of glasses.
'I know it's hard,' he says and I just nod, accepting my first drink as a 'man' from him.
'Did you take care of them?' I ask.
'Yes, son, every bit.'
There's a lot of silence then where I drain my glass and wrap my fingers around the bottle that's too big for them, his hand guiding me lest I spill it, and make a very large glass. I drink a bit and just start crying again.
I can only be glad it's raining since that means the sun won't be out. So I pull down the entire thing in one gulp cos now it's making me feel numb like when the dentist is gonna hit me with his drill but at least then it's before the bad starts.
He lets me walk over to the coffin and look in again and puts a hand on my shoulder when I start to cry and catches me when my knees give out. Starts to carry me into the next room where there's a couch.
'No, I wanna lie here next to them,' I say, so he puts me down and I curl up, reaching one hand up to touch the cold oak side of it. The rain is coming down hard now, smashing against the windowpanes. Doc decides he shouldn't leave me alone so he gathers up the whisky and our glasses and with a slow strained creak and crunch and rip of a too-tight bad suit he sits indian-style next to me.
'Paul, they're in a better place,' I guess cos he feels he has to say something.
'I ain't. I mean, Doc, what now? I got no one.'
'You have us, son.'
And the way he puts a firm hand on my shoulder when he says that makes me feel so sad cos it reminds me of gramps and the smell of Old Spice but I know he means it.
'The town will take care of you.'
The town I rejected and now they all crowd around for the viewing, just two days ago I was happiest if they all just left me alone but now I need them and somehow they forgave all that.
I curl up and he gives me a bit more to drink.
'You really need to get some sleep,' he says. 'Tomorrow is another day, don't worry, son, it will work itself out. I know it's hard.'
He takes off his jacket and folds it up, stuffing it under my head like a pillow.
Yeah, tomorrow is another day, and the next is just one more, and the thing that will never change is the sadness.
I feel so damned alone.

the meaning of it all.

2010-04-09T19:43:00.001-04:00

Foundering on a coral reef of lies,
every hole in the coral flooded with eager, fanged eels
Our lies, our lives
An unending supply of betrayals

This uncivil war will never end
schooled by the most diabolical military minds of the generations
the slaves feeding our armies their coal
with no clue their 'masters' are just as much slaves as them

Subjugated
Extirpated
Annihilated

The writ of death, the sentence passed the minute our lips met
The faintest almond scent in our breath we never noticed until too late.

That is the meaning of love
The ability to hate another so much you would destroy yourself to imprison them

Even apart it never changes
Withering fire exchanged across an ocean poisoned by each of us
Kill each other's food
Kill each other's water
Kill each other deader than death itself
The dead sea is frozen in time
Bloodied men soldier on, losing an arm means no more than shifting the mace to the other

Until both lands are empty, cold, dead
wilting under nuclear ash raining from overhead
The toxic snow thirstily soaking up a million gallons of blood.

Perhaps, just perhaps in the false safety of a deep mine
There is one survivor
A lone naked boy who dares to hope the skies will clear
Shivering in the dark
Waiting for the sun he knows will never come
The only pleasure he will get is the one he can give himself.

un-falllen - part 8

2010-04-08T23:42:00.001-04:00

The days after just suck. I can't go back to the station, and every fucking thing I see reminds me of him. I'm on autopilot at work. I spent half the three thousand to give Sy a decent place to sleep forever. Most nights I'm off work at six and I go there to be with him and sleep, I make sure not to pick up anything sharp or dangerous because part of me still believes if I did end myself I'd be with him but I already figured out that whole thing was just a lie they tell kids in Sunday School to keep them in line. All a big fucking lie.

And it's only been like a bit over a month but Baton Rouge seems to have shrunk ten sizes. I spend most of my paychecks on cigarettes and beer and rent is tough. I can tell Bernice isn't so happy and I think it's more than just having to split rent two ways not three.

'You miss him, too,' I finally say one wasted night, breaking the cycle where the two of us split a twelve pack and pretend to watch TV without saying a word to each other. We barely talk at all. And I prolly made it worse cos I refuse to throw out any of Sy's stuff or barely wash anything cos it still carries his soft smell on it.
'Of course,' she says after a few minutes of being quiet. 'I don't think anyone that really he let in could not love him.'
That carries a cloud over us and Bernice is crying so I give her this awkward half-hug.
'Yeah,' I said. 'I fucked up everything.'
'Maybe you did,' she says. Like Sy, she's not the sort to say something just to make someone feel better if it's not true, and that really hurts.
We just sit quietly and munch on popcorn because there isn't much left to say.

It's three days later on my day off when I decide maybe it's better for me to walk around some rather than go home and dive into a forty of Olde English. My feet find the way to the old cemetery where there's Sy's grave. I brush debris from yesterday's thunderstorm away and put down some cheap flowers I picked up on the way over. I never thought I could feel so alone like this, the number of times since it happened I've thought about ways to end myself is more than I can count. I kiss his stone and by instinct cross myself and try to convince myself maybe he's in a place with no pain, a happy place.

I wander through the square, feeling in a daze, ignoring all the people around me. The blank zombie stare works wonders, most people just avoid me nowadays which is such a relief. Then I feel a hand on my shoulder which makes me jump.
'Matthew?'
It's Tom and my stomach flips over.
'Tom,' I say, noncommital. I really don't feel like doing a trick for him and he probably wants me to so I just say it, quiet, even though I know this place is way too public to say that.
He jumps a bit.
'My name is really Philip,' he says, 'and I didn't think you would. I heard about Simon. I'm sorry. He was a sweet kid.'
If I didn't want to do a trick, I think I want to bring that subject up even less.
'Let me buy you something good to eat, okay, son? I'll pay you for your time, no expectations, I just thought perhaps you might want someone to speak with.'
'No expectations?' I say, my stomach growling involuntarily.
'None, I promise.'
I wonder if he's being real, but Sy said I could trust this guy and I really could use the extra cash. And he did apparently just give out his real name to me which is a big no for johns, so I say okay.

un-fallen - part 7

2010-04-07T10:29:00.001-04:00

'You suck,' Sy says, and he's pissed but he's also crying and chain smoking. 'I told you not to fucking do that.'
'We made three grand off him cos I did.'
He stands and walks around like a caged animal.
'Three fucking grand, Sy, just think, I mean that's a lot of money, we could-'
I'm cut off because he hits me so hard I fall over and now I'm tasting blood.
'Could what? Could what Matty? Move to some fucking fantasy place that doesn't fucking exist and raise rabbits and shit? Cos that place isn't real. This, right here, this is real, dude, it's as fucking real as real gets and you don't get it, I want to fuck you so bad but you just pulled this shit that means if I do I'm prolly gonna do that too.'
'Is that so bad?'
He goes crazy on me like hitting my arms and my chest and then he flips me over and it's not like before it's rough and crazy and hurts like shit and he's like 'fuck, I love you too and now it's all fucked up, are you fucking happy?'
'What the fuck is wrong with that?'
'What the fuck is wrong with that??!!! Are you fucking insane?'
Just then Bernice walks in and freezes and drops her ice cream on the floor cos Sy is screaming.
'Yeah, you dumb fuck, I love you, I said it, I fucking meant it, so now what?' I yell and throw a glass at him, aiming badly which almost goes wrong because he ducks the wrong way. It shatters all over the place.
'Now what? Now what? You know I can't love anyone and no one can fucking love me, you stupid fuck, I told you, no one! You get it?!'
'No, I fucking don't, when you fuck me it's the best feeling I've ever had, when I wake up next to you it makes my day go good, when-'
'You want to hear it again? Okay, fine, fuck you, Matty, I fucking love you and here's my goddam present to you for admitting that' and he dives through the window and Bernice screams and fuck I collapse cos we're six stories up here no way in fucking hell that means anything but one thing and fuck I just wanna follow him but Bernice is holding me down. I'm fighting her as much as I can and almost about to win before I see the lamp coming at me and shit goes black.

un-fallen - part 6

2010-03-30T15:24:00.001-04:00

'Okay,' says Sy. 'Don't believe that shit in movies where they say if you ask someone if he's a cop they have to tell you.'
'They don't?'
'No, dude, and remember that if you get dragged to the station they're totally allowed to lie to you also.'
'Really?'
And that's pretty fucked up when I think about it. I mean these are the people supposed to put order into a world of chaos and they can break all the rules?
'Okay, that's Tom.'
Sy is nodding to a man in a perfect hat down the way and the man nods back.
'What do I do?'
'He mostly likes to watch, like he payed real good to watch me and another guy do it, so this is cool if you don't care about him watching us.'
'That's weird, I mean, I guess...I dunno what to say.'
'The most he's gonna do is touch one of us, prolly just the hair, that's his thing and you got really pretty long hair so he'll prolly pay us big. If you're okay with that.'
'I mean, I ask him-'
'No, don't ever ask right out here. Just flirt, let it get almost to where it happens and then ask somewhere private. Only hotels, too, never apartments, too, I mean, Tom is safe so he's cool.'
'What if you're not here and he wants me to do it with another guy?'
'I don't care if you do, like I said me and you is just sex. And don't freak cos I didn't use a rubber with you, I always do with everyone else and you should too. You can get them free at the Downside Bar across the street, don't pay for that shit.'
'Then why did you with me?'
'Dude, I knew I wasn't gonna give you anything and I could tell you never had and I was curious what that felt like and...'
'I wasn't freaked about that, but what's the "and" mean?'
He shuffles a foot in the grass and mumbles something so I'm like 'and what.'
'If I could ever have a boyfriend I know it would be you, okay, but I can't so no point in fucking around with that thought. Tom's almost here. If we do it that way for him he'll give us a lot extra, if you're cool with that.'
'I'm okay with that but now what?'
'He's gonna take us to the hotel, always same room cuz he likes the view of the riverboat and shit, usually he buys dinner, whatever you want. And, dude, just act like you're really really into it with me for him.'
'I'm always into it with you, like crazy into it and let you do what you want cos...'
'Dude, you're killing me, don't go there, just don't, okay?'
'If I say it while we're doing it for him will he give us more?'
Sy looks down and finds a cigarette. 'He will, but...I don't think I want you to.'
'Why not?'
'Cuz I'm gonna know you pretty much mean it for real and when we stop acting shit gets complicated. It's always an act, man, like in a play, you know?'
I can't respond cos Tom is here now and Sy introduces me to him. The man is dressed expensively, all designer labels and such, seems to be in good shape, prolly mid-fifties with short-cut hair almost like one of those old military guys in the movies down to the way he carries himself. He's polite and friendly.
'Shall we, Sy?' he asks, and Sy nods and next I know I'm in the nicest room I've ever seen holding a room service menu with all sorts of food I'm not even sure what it is. I guess I stare too long because they both are wondering why I can't decide.
'Uhm, sir, I don't know what to order,' I say, feeling stupid.
'You don't?'
'I've never been to a hotel or eaten this fancy food.'
'You've never been to a hotel?'
'No,' I say, feeling real stupid and I ask him to order something for me he thinks is good which fuck I'm so embarrassed but I guess he thought I was cute cos he brushes my hair and smiles.
He's off on the phone then, ordering something I hope I will like.
'Dude, that was great,' whispers Sy. 'You got the game down.'
'What?'
'Okay we can play this like you're the innocent country boy, okay?'
'I wasn't acting. I honest have no clue what half the shit on there was.'
Sy leans in acting like he's kissing me but he's whispering 'Matty, don't be like that, man, you're gonna make me fall for you and we're both gonna get seriously fucking heartbroken if that happens.'

Then it's just food which is really good but fuck is this guy insane cos it's hot as all fuck. And Sy is a bit pissed at me which is making me feel all puppy dog and that just pisses him off more cos he can't tell if I'm acting or it's real and fuck he warned me.
Somehow our quiet argument is totally unnoticed by Tom who at the moment is tearing into a steak that's bloody and all I can think of is dinosaurs there.
'Sy, gimme a bath,' I say.
Tom drops his fork in surprise but catches it before it hits the carpet and Sy just says okay like he's got this look in his eyes that, I don't know, he gave up.
I strip off my jeans and stand there while he makes it, Tom is playing with my dick with his left hand while he's eating with the other and a few times he goes down on me, I'm not totally sure he was finished with chewing his steak when he did.
'Ready,' I hear and I gesture at Tom to come along.
'Can you bend over?' he asks and I'm like oh fuck but whatever, I do.
He puts a finger up my butt which hurts some thank god Sy's been fucking the shit out of me for days now, otherwise it would really have hurt.
'I'd like to see him do that,' says Tom.
'Tell him, then, not me. Whatever you want to see him do to me, tell him, okay? I want it to be a surprise.'
And fuck if it were anyone but Sy there's no way I would have ever agreed to do that but I know what I feel and I can't keep it down any more than my dick when he's going crazy with the soap on it. Then he's fingering me and he's not like Tom it feels so good I let him three fingers in before I complain so he goes a bit slower and I draw the line when he's pretty much got his whole hand in there. What the fuck is with it that I can't say no to Sy, but now I really want him to fuck me and take all the time in the world to do it.
'He'll let me fuck him bare for some extra,' says Sy before I can open my mouth.
'Very sexy, are you sure about that?' but Tom isn't really asking with anything but his wallet.
'Maybe,' I lie. 'Only with Sy though.' That wasn't a lie.
'Two hundred more?'
'Three.'
'Two fifty?'
'Fine,' I say before Sy can speak up, 'but I think you're gonna want to give us more.'
'Why?'
'You'll see.'
And Sy is looking at me like what the fuck man, and no he has no idea what's coming until he's deep inside me and whispers and I'm all like 'me too, fuck the shit out of me when you do' and then two seconds later he is and I say it just loud enough for Tom to hear.
'I love you, Sy.'

un-fallen - part 5

2010-03-27T18:36:00.000-04:00

Sy picks me up as if I were a piece of wet paper, dries my hair some more.
'If you want, you can sleep on the couch or we could, you know?'
'Sleep together?'
'Uhm, I mean if you're copacetic with that, yeah.'
'I'd like that.'
The rain is really crashing down now and like always that makes me drowsy. He puts me into his bed and strips off his jeans and T and fuck he is so cute, razor-thin and his dick looks strange, totally different than any I've ever seen before, I can't help but stare. And worry a bit, cos I want him to fuck me but that thing is gonna hurt like a bitch, it's as big as a baby's arm.
He laughs.
'You've never seen an uncircumsized one before?' he asks. 'I'm French.'
He puts on some music, cool song, 'Paint it Black,' and it just fits the mood so well, climbs into bed next to me and I'm hard all over again, fuck, he's playing with me and it's all I can do not to shoot right there but I really want to make this last, well, forever.
He's acting nervous and seems afraid I'm going to say something I shouldn't so he cuts me off right there.
'Look, Matty, I'm not boyfriend material, okay? Is that okay with you? I mean...'
'Just sex?'
'Yeah.'
I have to think a bit before I just tell him it's all okay and prob'ly smarter this way, my head is so fucked up right now if I did try to be a boyfriend to someone it would go to shit so fast. I'm not boyfriend material, either, at least not until I figure out what the fuck I'm gonna do now, and fuck I'm so scared cos all I have in this world is them and almost no money.
'We'll figure it out, Matty. I can get you work at the hotel, that's money in your pocket cos it's all off the books shit work if you don't mind doing it.'
'I don't mind.'
'You can do stuff on the side, too, like I do, uhmmm...'
'What?'
'Like turn tricks, you know.'
The only thing I can think of is the cereal Trix and I guess I look real confused.
'You know, do it for money. There's always out of town guys coming through here, that's why I was at the station.'
'They pay you?'
'What? I'm not cute?'
'Fuck, you're cute as hell but you think I could do that?'
'Shit, dude, they'd pay a lot more for you than they do for me. But I gotta teach you the ropes and stuff so you're safe and don't get nailed by the piggies.'
It sounds so gross but at the same time the thought of some guy paying me for it is turning me on for some reason. I'm such a mess.
'Tomorrow is a new day, dude, it's a new life' I hear him whisper in my ear but I can't really focus it just feels nice to hear someone saying something good to me.
'Will you fuck me?' I ask.
He smiles and kisses me, tasting of cigarettes and spent cum and a hint of hope, and I feel him slipping me onto my stomach, ever so soft, like hell I'm trying so hard not to cum.
Sy is gentle and I thought Jay fucked me but he must not have because something that hurts so bad and feels so incredible all at once, no way I could have forgotten it.
'Owwww,' I breathe.
'You want me to stop?'
'No, no, just...slower.'
And then I relax and it's like sinking into a hot bath after a bad day at school, so warm, so peaceful and calming and like oh my fucking god I can't hold back anymore 'I'm gonna cum Sy' and 'me too, same time okay' and yeah just fucking perfect like that.
It's all I can do not to say what's on my mind after but I know the score and I have to accept it for what it is, not expect more. I just hope that's not the rest of my life is that, not expecting more. It's not enough but it has to be...
just fucking perfect enough.

2010-03-26T11:44:00.000-04:00

It's just dawn and you're all flopped over and I wonder
does this get old
does this get sad

Your hair is a mess and you haven't showered in days
Just collapsed among the beer cans
Some still half-full

what a waste

I wonder if I did this
or was this always you
or if you just gave up

It's almost nine
store will be open soon
go get more
start again

And at some point it gets to be so much
we gotta fucking take all these dead soldiers out

I'm just too fucking reliable
Always here to
perpetuate our collapse
down the rabbit hole.

Why is it at some point
'I love you'
always becomes a question or an accusation or
a lie...

un-fallen - part 4

2010-03-24T13:09:00.000-04:00

'Matty?'
It comes like a ship in fog to me that it's Sy and the fog is starting to lift. Fuck, I feel so weak and I must be imagining things because I swear I see two twins like in that movie the Shining staring at me.
'Matty, sit up.'

Oh. It is the movie. I'm looking at a beat up old TV inches from my face. Duh. Not a good movie to wake up to. I try to stand up now but fuck if I don't just drop right back down, I'm so fucking freaking now, I mean for chrissake my own mother hates me, what am I going to do?

This time Sy catches me and deposits my soaked skinny body onto the couch.
'C'mon, kiddo, it'll be all right. Let's get you out of these wet clothes, I got dry stuff.'
Bernice is sitting by the window smoking a cigarette that's so far spent I think she's gonna burn herself.
'In front of her?' I ask. Fuck, if I could stop saying the worst thing it would be great.
But she just laughs and asks why that's such a big deal.
'Sy, I'm not gonna get naked in front of your girlfriend, that's not cool.'
Bernice drops her cigarette and has to pick it up, she's laughing so hard now tears are coming out.
'What?' I ask.
'I'm not his girlfriend, darling,' she says. 'I don't go that way, at least not for less than fifty bucks.'
It takes me a minute before I get what she means and it makes me feel a little bit better but now I'm so confused. Are they people like me, sinners, bad people who have turned away from god?
'Sy, I'm gonna go to the store and get another pack,' she says after an empty shake of a kicked pack of Pall Malls. 'You need anything?'
'Maybe some beer,' says Sy. I hear him shaking his pack too now, same result as her. 'Yeah and another pack, make it two 'cuz unless I'm wrong you smoke too, right Matty?'
I just nod and try to give her a few bucks but she won't take it and then she's gone and its just me and Sy alone in the room. I realize now I'm so cold I'm shaking like crazy and my fingers are so numb I can't even undo my jeans. Sy does it for me, and I notice how he takes his time on the zipper. I try not to get hard but he seems to want me to so I slump back on the couch and let him, he's so gentle with it I don't even notice for a minute that he is sucking me and if this felt good drunk it feels ten times better sober. Before I realize it, I'm shooting in his mouth so much it chokes him but he goes down further on me to get more out and I can't stop, I cum again.
He laughs and brushes my wet hair from my eyes and for the first time I really look at him, his eyes are almost purple. I realize that I must have given myself away the first time we met, that must explain everything now, and I kiss him deep, the salty aftertaste of my juice still on his tongue.
How did I ever fight this feeling, I must have known forever, even way back as a kid when I kept telling myself that the silly fumbling me and my best friend Joe did was more than just a phase for me.
'You okay?' he asks and I just smile.
'Yeah. Sy?'
'What?'
'How did you, I mean...'
'How'd I know?'
"Yeah, that.'
'I didn't. I just hoped maybe you were, I thought you were so adorable I hoped maybe someday you'd at least let me suck you off.'
''You're great at that.'
'Thanks,' he says with a laugh. 'If you want to do more...'
'I do.'
'And don't worry, we'll figure things out, you can hang here as long as you want.'
'You mean it?'
'Of course, dude. No worries.'
Now there's buzzing which for a minute I think must be in my head before I realize it's my cel. I fumble into my jeans and it blares out 'Mom' in big letters and by instinct I answer.
She doesn't say anything so now I have to, but she's lost her hold on me.
'Why did you do that to me?' I ask.
But there's just silence for a minute before the phone goes silent. I fumble through my contacts list, find her number, and press 'delete.'

un-fallen - part 3

2010-03-23T15:59:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting in the rain, my jeans getting soaked, everything drenched now, trying so hard not to cry. At the back of my spinning head now I wonder if they're right, if I'm wrong, if they sent me into the desert and I came back so horrible they could never love me again.

Crimes against nature.

I try to get up but I'm too dizzy. I have to get out of this rain or I'll freeze to death. But go where? Everything I have in this world amounts to a few hundred bucks stuffed into my jeans before they could take it away and a few T-shirts and my hoody.

'Matty?' says someone, and I turn around, it's Sy, a local kid I met at a party who I sort of got on okay with so we'd hung out a few times after.

He looks worried and I can't blame him, who the fuck sits down in the pouring rain for no reason after all? He picks me up and he's saying something about getting me out of the rain now and fuck I just nod.

His apartment is a shitty place near the station he shares with his maybe-girlfriend Bernice, also met her before and she seemed sweet enough. I still don't get why these people I knew only a bit were being so friendly. But it does feel nice to think someone gives a damn.

We come in and she's just out of the shower I guess, hasn't even done her makeup and she's holding a towel. I guess she's trying to decide whether to dry her hair or smoke first because she's standing there with an unlit cigarette in one hand and the towel in the other and fidgeting back and forth between the two. Or maybe she just can't find the lighter.

'Jesus, Matty,' she says with a look of concern. She decides her hair can wait and wipes away my tears with the towel. She's pretty, an odd girl, I guess she is twenty or a little younger but looks older like someone who's had it too rough.

I don't know what to say now, because I'm so afraid if I tell them they'll reject me also. So I stammer a bit and try to come up with something anyone could accept but that doesn't work. I spit it all out in one long breathless, tear-soaked confession while they stand there.

There's a long silence that makes this tiny crummy place seem so huge and suddenly I don't feel so good. It's all getting foggy and before Sy can react I drop like a sack of stones in a river, just barely missing landing on a sharp edge of a beat-up end table.

un-fallen - part 2

2010-03-21T15:36:00.003-04:00

I remember next the reality of it hitting me like a piano.

'What happened?' asks Jay, sitting up, confused, naked, panicked. I notice as I look at his smooth chest that he has marks on him. I guess I bite when I'm enjoying it.
'You don't remember?' I ask, and suddenly I feel my stomach shrink ten sizes, sweat forming on the back of my neck. I'd pictured us grabbing a bite of lunch, maybe pick up a movie and curl up in bed together and watch it, but none of that looks like it was going to happen anymore.
I didn't know just how bad it was going to get, but I should have heeded my aunt more, I'd done the sins and now I was going to pay for them.

Big.

Jay fumbling around for his boxers, dressing totally underneath the sheet.]

'Stop looking at me, you fucking faggot.'
'What??? You started-'
'You got me drunk. For all I know you put something in my drink. Did you give me anything?'
'Huh?'
'Did you give me AIDS?'
'What?? I've never even had sex before and I thought-'
'Like I believe you after what you did to me.'

Jay dialing a phone number, my mind not quite picking up that he only dialed three digits.

'What are you doing?' I ask.
'I'm calling the fucking cops.'
'What?!'

Jay talking, saying terrible things about me to that cold impersonal zombie on the other end. Cops showing up. Making me describe what happened. Turning our beautiful fuck into anatomical sterility. Inserted your penis into his rectum like what the...we fucked, for god's sake, it was fun, it was wonderful. I thought we were in love. And now this. I fall to the floor.

Yes, the wages of sin and all that good stuff. I was told by my crying mother I should consider myself lucky that Jay thought the better of pressing charges to avoid embarrassment for himself.

The wages of sin: 'You aren't the young man we thought we brought into our college, not the sort of person we want here.'

And it all happened so fast. Condemned for being unnatural when it had seemed so natural to me.

'You're coming back to the Parish,' mom tells me through bloodshot, wet eyes outside the bus station. 'You're talking to Father about what you've done, we'll get you fixed.'
'Fuck off,' I say without even realizing I just cursed. Not just cursed but at my mother, the one who brought me into this world. Anger now because I hate her for doing that, I hate her for telling me I'm broken, you fucking whore of babylon if I'm broken you broke me. What did you do to me? You drove my father away, you hand-picked every boy or girl I was allowed to associate with, you did this to me.
'What did you just say to me?!'
Now her anger, the anger that slapped a belt against my ass as a boy if ever I strayed from the straight and narrow. She hits me across my face so hard I fall to the grass.
'Say it one more time, Matthew. One more time. Your grandfather would be rolling over in his grave, God rest his soul, if he could see any of what you've done. I got on a bus to come take you back, we're outside the station, you're coming back.'
Anger welling up in me, I said it and I meant it and in the eyes of the state I was a man. She had no right to tell me what the hell to do.
'I said fuck off. I'm not going back to the Parish, back to your house full of statues and bullshit. Your lies, all of it lies.'
Mom is standing there with a look of shock and for a minute I think she's going to deck me again, or worse do that thing where she grabs me by the ear and drags me back to hell.
'Young man, you are still my son, and I am going to wash your mouth out with soap. I can still do that, you're not so high and mighty that I won't, don't you dare think that for a minute Matthew Paul Demarche. Get to your feet this instant.'
'I know the reason dad left.'
'What in the Sam Hill is that supposed to mean? Are you threatening me, you-'
'I know you and your good Father were fucking each other and I know dad found out.'
Silence now. Silence worse than all of the slapping she could do, all the pretentious bullshit she could lay out. Nice fucking object lesson, mom. She never knew that her innocent lamb was right outside the bedroom door that afternoon, listening to all of it, when he was supposed to be spending the weekend at his friend's.
'How dare you accuse me of that,' she says after a long minute, and for the first time I can tell I hit her hard, right below that fake high-fashion belt that fooled no one. Don't keep talking, Matthew, don't, just shut up. I stuff a cigarette in my mouth to keep it firmly shut without thinking, and she looks at me with a look so brutal, like she had just stepped in a huge pile of dog poop. Disgust, just disgust, and I can tell she doesn't want to know me any more, that look says she maybe realizes she never did before even, all of it swimming back like sharks, the other boys that slept over so often, was that not what she thought it to be either?
She steps back and stiffens. Like right before every time I got the belt. But this time I'm wrong. After what I did to put us here and now what I said to her, she doesn't care enough to hit me.

'Fine. It's your cross to bear now, Matthew. You are dead to me.'

And just like that, she's gone, a quick spin of those imitation Gucci heels. Gone.

un-fallen - 1

2010-03-20T21:10:00.002-04:00

'On the day the lord gives you relief from suffering and turmoil and cruel bondage, you will take up this taunt against the king of Babylon: How the oppressor has come to an end! How his fury has ended! The lord has broken the rod of the wicked, the scepter of the rulers, which in anger struck down peoples with unceasing blows, and in fury subdued nations with relentless aggression.'
Isaiah 14:3-6

The look says everything, but I'm sure as christ trying to ignore it. I notice your teacup is empty and like always I must keep it full. I don't mind, really, for chrissakes I remember back when we first met you made me tea and something that was supposed to be crumpets. Not that I grew up here, or ever had a crumpet before then, even knew what one was to be honest. But I was damned sure that if my new adoptive country loved them so much either there must be no tastebuds in the entire land, or maybe just everyone seemed to like to suffer for no reason. And the tea, well, I'd only had hot tea at those pseudo-Chinese restaurants and bussed for luncheons at the hotel with Brits like you where all they did was bitch about our tea. Yours was worse. All I could think of was 'bedpan.'

But you had charm, that was always for sure, always the charm and by no coincidence I got assigned to be your valet it was all I could do to not jump right in when people greeted you, this new rising star I guess, with such a choreography that cried 'potential' and all I can do was think of how attractive you were to me. So foreign, yet so familiar, and yes so desperately...passionate.

I was a foreigner myself in this city and this world, an alien, yet you, another foreigner, ignored my slow speech strung out like an overstretched guitar string, and while everything there seemed so strange but so normal, the items you brought with you from over there enticed me with their strange spellings of a language I'd perfected just well enough to get myself in a real jam far from home.

I don't suppose it was altogether impossible to see how it might end up with us being together, even though it took two years at least and might never be complete I still have Faith, I knew from the moment I saw you I liked you, your smell, your manner, your kindness.

I still don't know when it was you really noticed me. I'm fairly sure it was way after anyone else had stopped noticing me except to yell for more water or a broken glass, definitely way after I was pushed through the willow moss far sooner than I should have been. But this was still dirt poor Louisiana and I was condemned to that the instant I jumped three grade levels and found myself surrounded by university scouts from Tulane to Tufts, all eager to bring this prodigy on as a trophy of their youngest, and one of the youngest, to ever be admitted.

I made it as far as LSU. To be sure I visited Tulane, Rice, and even Tufts before it seemed that there were way too many people in my space, the one thing I still had left. Even Baton Rouge could feel crowded to a boy of fifteen, under a hundred miles from the place he'd called home but might as well have been on another planet.

My aunt used to read Bible to me all the time and as a boy I pretty much thought that was all bullshit. Temptation? In my town if I stole gum from Mr. Anders' store I'd be in deep trouble. I avoided letting anything tempt me, even to where I refused desserts.

But sure enough, I found it in Baton Rouge in the tall slender form of a northern boy with more bad habits than anyone I'd known, yet so much about him just pulled me in. I can tick them off, as easy as one, two, three. One, three days after I met Jay and just ten after finding out he was my roommate, cigarettes. Friday fell a day later and that was number two, liquor. And after five days of that one, number three, when I woke up in the same bed with him completely naked. Hangover mixed with horror and the real horrible part was that in just a month I had done everything my aunt had warned. Made worse because not only did I not regret it, I had enjoyed it.

I was sure I was Fallen.

You saved me, this precious boy of just days from seventeen, even if you never knew it right then, when i was lost you found me, when i was starved for affection i could understand you gave it to me.

2010-03-11T04:55:00.002-05:00

yeah just
undo the stain
and lets sit a little while
maybe watch the film
i wish i could promise to keep the sadness out
but you just are quiet
almost like you know something i don't
so hmmm maybe you can do that
keep the sad away
cos right now i feel lonely as fuck
and im doing a good job of hiding it
when rain smashes against windows
and i dont talk
that should say something
right?

added new photography to my photoblog

2010-03-07T17:33:00.000-05:00

Its @ http://imagesnghosts.blogspot.com/

New series from both 2010-06-03 and 2010--07-03. Might have another piece up on this blog tonight :/
-doug

break

2010-03-05T22:16:00.002-05:00

I used to think it was just the coolest fucking thing
we could sit there in the sun and catch a tan
or just curl up on the couch to watch TV
never have to say a word to share
a thought
a joke
a tear
a love, a life.

Something I thought I loved
you just got me
but now

Quiet
Standing by the door
munching on the gummi bears
that cost us a fortune in dental work
still sitting on some revoked credit card
The silence is too much pain

It's like you don't feel it
like I do
like you maybe never really cared
like I did

maybe I was just something to occupy your time?
all those wasted years to end so quietly

I sit down in the first chair we ever bought together
Smoke in silence and still hoping you will say
Something
Anything

It would be better
I think
If you just pushed me to the floor
Smashed that pathetic chair over me
Break us both to bits
I wouldn't fight you
I'd let you

Yes
that would hurt less.

haunted - 17

2010-03-04T23:14:00.001-05:00

It's just past dawn when I take one last look at Colin and slip out the door, quietly. It's warmed up quite a bit and a soft drizzle is slicking the dirty streets. No cars are out. All the people asleep in warm beds, stuffed with turkey and safe in the illusion of permanence for the moment. My Chuck Taylors are already starting to soak through and it's cold but it feels like that's how it's spose to be.
I walk for a long time, taking a moment to make sure no one is watching before I find the burned out, collapsed building that used to be our home and crawl through a smashed window, the bars that used to protect it dangling limply like broken teeth. It stinks of wet fire and rotting wood. Nothing is recognizable but it feels so familiar. The floor creaks and I just jump to the left to avoid going through it. The stove that started all this is half-melted and tipped on its side, a mess of melted gas lines and burned wires that resembles a smashed up robot.
Something catches my eye and I suck my breath in sharp cos I know that it wasn't there before, it's almost like it was expecting me. It's my necklace, one of two identical ones me and Joey exchanged that night he proposed to me. It doesn't even look like the fire touched it.
I swallow hard and put it on, careful with the fragile clasp, it's cold as ice around my neck but it feels so safe now. I poke around more in the ashes, recognizing charred bits of our lives, even what must have been our real IDs melted into one underneath the heap of charcoal that used to be the small statue he gave me for our second anniversary.
The mattress is nothing more than rusty sharp springs stretched all crazy. A smashed up bottle of vodka is in one corner, crushed under boots of those trying to save the building. A few charred scraps of paper that used to be our photo album, and I cry and take out my vodka remembering how almost every day for all those years we made sure to take photos of ourselves, picnics, just cuddly pictures, a few pics I talked him into of us fucking around.
A bunch of melted coins from the one summer we tried to do the coin collection thing again.
All just ruins.
I kill the last of the vodka and whisper something under my breath before crawling back out.

This is the place we found by accident one hot summer, concealed just barely behind a ragged bunch of overgrown weeds, the old abandoned train trestle. I balance on the wet rusted rails, my sneakers slipping all over the place. A warm wind sprays me with mist. I sit on the rail, dangling my feet over the edge, and finish off the last of the scotch I have with me.
I stumble back to my feet, one foot slipping right off the rail before I catch my balance, and carefully balance til I'm on the trestle itself, high above the pavement below of some private road.

My sneakers slip again and this time I let myself fall back into Joey's arms.

haunted - 16

2010-03-03T23:39:00.002-05:00

I realize it's like almost four in the morning and try to make it to the bed but the fire feels so nice I drift off before I can sit up.
It seems like I I just fall asleep before I'm being shaken awake and fuck I'm way to sleepy to try to have a conversation with Colin that isn't blunt, maybe that's a good thing, maybe not. I have to tell the man that, yeah, at least part of it is his fault for not listening to what the kid wanted.
'Did you know he had a girlfriend and was going out West with her?'
He looks surprised.
'Who?' he asks.
'He just calls her Jess?'
'Jess? That was that creep Martin's girl. I busted him for drugs but he got some bigshot lawyer that killed the whole thing. And the week after Trey....after Trey died, she got into his drugs and overdosed. Died in the ambulance.'
It comes out so automatic and so cop-like before it hits him.
Maybe that wasn't an accident, after all.
Maybe putting all that pressure on Trey and not paying attention to him killed more than his own son.
He sits down hard and I think I hear him say 'oh my god' under his breath, cos now he's prolly thinking how many lives that he ruined, I know I'm wondering how many I did.
Joey.
His parents, who probably hang on to the hope their only kid is still out there somewhere, wondering if he's in pain or scared. Cos I used his fake ID for all the final shit, our real IDs melted that night.
Maybe the man who once behaved like a dad to me found out about moms and came rushing to find me and make up for his fuck ups, maybe he wanted to try and start over and treat me right, it would've been easy for him to imagine that the whole sham of Paul and moms was behind their separation.
I realize there's a glass in my hand now and even though I have a headache from it earlier maybe more will chase it away, chase all of this away. Numb is usually better, it seems.
Colin asks to be left alone for a bit and gives me the bottle so I tumble to Trey's room, lost in my head and thoughts and fuck if it seemed impossible to, what did he say 'get my life together' it just seems so much more pointless and wasteful of other people's lives to keep trying this failed fucked mission.

Answers come like blackbirds in winter. I dump the water bottle out in the bathroom sink and fill it with some scotch, drop it into my backpack next the leftover vodka from Christmas Eve. I strip off Trey's clothes, they're starting to feel like a straightjacket now, crawling back into my own except for the one thing I keep in a hard-to-see compartment. It's a tight black Ramones T with more than a few holes in it. Joey's T. It still has blood on it.

Hope is the cruelest poison ever.

haunted - 15

2010-03-02T14:46:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to expect, but I just lay there on my back reading with my legs folded up. The pressure is on for a minute because I can tell Colin is watching my expressions, looking for clues or something maybe, but thank fuck he stops doing that after a bit cos if there's one thing that makes it impossible for me to focus that's it. I get lost in the notebook pretty quick, the kid was a very good writer, first it seemed he struggled but the more it went on the more it seemed to come natural, almost like I were sitting here with him talking right now.
But I think the answer that seems to be showing up isn't gonna be something Colin likes so I hope he doesn't expect me to bullshit cos that's just something I don't wanna have to do anymore. Trey started his notebook pretty young and Colin got him into all kind of activities, chess (that really didn't take for him), swimming (he loved it in a river but not so much a pool, and when it went to competitive he wanted nothing to do with it), baseball even. Stuffed in here and there are notes about school itself like report card grades and fuck the kid was like a superstar, almost never anything less than a B+ and mostly A's with great notes from all the teachers and his coaches, seems like almost every month or two he got awards in both sports and school.
But the longer I read the more it sorta seesaws between those kinds of things and some really long almost unbroken sentences talking about how he didn't like the people, and the whole stack of trophies was like concrete blocks roped to his ankles in deep water. Then he met a girl, Jess was her name, and everything changes in the writing all at once. To be honest it got a bit embarrassing and mushy at first. There's a pic of her taped to one page and she's a pretty girl, a bit goth.
It strikes me then that in all the photos in Trey's room, I didn't remember seeing any of her. They must all be in here, and they're cool photos, really well done, they're cute together and look really happy.
The day before his birthday he wrote:
'I've made up my mind.'
Which I think means one thing before it goes on:
'I'm so tired of all this sports and competition. I fucking hate every minute of it and to make it worse I know I can't fail at it or everyone will be disappointed. But over the past few years doing this and now meeting Jess...'
There's some sort of receipt taped in there and it's a minute before I realize it's for two plane tickets to Las Vegas.
'We're going to Vegas. My friend Syd graduated last year and needs roommates, he says he knows some people looking for writers and artists out West and can get me hooked up with them easy. And I think I'm gonna pop the question to Jess once we get out there, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Tomorrow dad is taking me to dinner and I'm going to tell him. I just hope he isn't mad. I want to be happy, this is what I want to do with my life.'
I'm not sure I want to read the last bits but I force myself to.
The next day:
'I chickened out and Jess is mad but I told her that doesn't change anything, we're old enough we can go on our own, we don't need permission. But I promised I'd tell him before. Which we're leaving in four days so I'm fucking nervous as hell.'
It just gets worse every day and a bit more confused and garbled and sad and angry until the last entry which said 'Fuck this.'
I close the notebook quietly.

What kind of hope is there when a kid like Trey, all the advantages, scary fucking talented, every single thing going right for him, and he winds up exactly in the same place I'm in despite it?

haunted - 14

2010-03-01T20:22:00.001-05:00

It's a quiet night. He builds a big fire in his study. He's struggling with the monster chair for a minute before realizing I just plopped on the carpet in front of it, trying to get my hands warm. My soul is frozen beyond ever thawing. It's instinct for me, like a doctor with a dying patient just trying to make their last moments less painful through a fog of scotch and cigarettes. He has his pipe and he starts to read some book while puffing away, I swear the man reminds me too much of Sherlock Holmes sometimes which is kinda cool, I never met anyone like him. I always pictured him to be sort of like this behind that too-tight uniform but never quite like this, he's even got the red robe on now.
I think for a minute about trying to find a book to pretend reading but nothing here really seems like it would belong in front of me so I just watch the flames and try not to think of what it reminds me of too much, just focus on the warmth and block out the pain.
After a minute and several scotches down Colin speaks up.
'Can I ask you to help me with something?'
And I'm thinking like what, chop wood, don't they have people that do that and bring it to the house, but he's gone and back in a minute with a crumpled notebook.
I'm not sure what he wants and he seems really not sure he wants to speak so I just pour another scotch for both of us. I like the way it puts a blur over things, warm and soft like an out-of-focus photograph, like a photo of something really awful that almost looks like some piece of art when it's not in focus.
He's thumbing through the notebook now and whatever is in there seems to hurt, his face shows pain but it's like a dog that just got kicked and doesn't know why it did, the kind of pain that comes from not getting why it happened, the kind that sneaks up and catches you by surprise.
The kind of pain like when I lost Joey with no warning.
And I'm getting it I think, or starting to get it, even still I'm only just half-prepared when he hands me the notebook and before I can even get a look at what it says he's rubbing his eyes behind his glasses and sobbing this scary sort of deep almost wail. He takes off his glasses and his crying comes out in heavy low crushing heaves.
'Maybe...' he starts to say before he has to stop for a second. I sit up now, more than a little alarmed. He gulps his scotch and finally that calms him enough so he can finish his sentence.
'Maybe if you read that you can tell us why.'

Answers, answers to things that have no answer, that's what we all want, isn't it? And all I can do is say I'll try, not that I've ever succeeded myself.

haunted - 13

2010-02-27T17:39:00.000-05:00

He takes me into the City to try and take my mind off of the pain, but I'm just sitting here shivering in front of Rockefeller watching all those people skating and smiling and the biggest fucking Christmas tree I've ever seen sparkling away like nothing is wrong, holding a cup of coffee I don't feel like drinking. All this is doing as I shiver in the rain which decided to go back to sleet and snow is that this could have been my life, this could have been me and Joey getting into playful snowball fights in the Vermont winter.
Colin says something that I don't hear at first so I'm like 'huh' cos I'm getting that nasty feeling of being in this bubble of invisibility that separates me, all the laughter of people just bounces right off of it.
'What would he want for you?'
And I honest don't know there, I mean, in the years we were together I never once had a day where I thought we'd not be together forever.
'Take me someplace lonely and industrial,' I whisper, now it's my turn to repeat myself but Colin gets it. But he goes along with it and we're driving into Long Island City and some forsaken place with a falling down steel factory staring at the cold gray of the East River through the snow which has started to get stronger.
Yes, this feels right to me. I stand real close to the edge of the icy water and that feeling never goes away, just fall in, dive in and swim fast with all my juinor high swim-team skills I'd be way out of reach of rescue before the cold water took me under.
The cold freezes the tears to my face for a good bit of time before I realize I still can't go through with it, all I'm gonna accomplish is giving myself a cold and prolly him too, so when he says he wants to take me someplace I say okay.
It's some Irish pub that could go into any movie, nothing fancy about it really but it's warm and this time I accept the coffee cos it's got whisky in it. I realize I'm hungry again and ask if it's okay to buy some food which of course he says yes.
Fifteen minutes later I'm munching on the biggest hamburger I've ever seen next to the biggest beer I've ever seen. I'm midway through it when Colin drops it.
'This was where I took Colin for his birthday. Three days later he...he killed himself.'
His face is a bit pale and he orders himself something to drink. I don't know what to say, I figure if he wants to say more he'll tell me. But fuck if someone is looking to me for a pick-me-up that's not good.
'We got into a fight that night...a bad one,' he says, quiet, and I guess I offer him an escape cos I already inhaled the burger and like three beers so it's safe to leave now.
The whole ride back is so quiet but I don't mind, just staring out the window, both of us alone in our pain yet somehow maybe sharing it makes it hurt less for the moment.

All today has done is confirm just how shitty this world is.

jacko - excerpt - 1/1 excerpt from bok

2010-02-25T06:07:00.001-05:00

The days were surely getting darker as winter approached. The quiet house, once always the center of craziness, the air ripe with stench of stale cigarettes in overflowing ashtrays and beer cans turned into ashtrays and the stark Band-Aid smell of his own army of spoons singed with his lighters from 'cooking' over the years, now it all felt so quiet, too quiet. His own footfalls echoed a bit too loud. Prufrock measured his life with coffee spoons; Jacko had measured his with spoonfuls of bubbling smack. And now this, a damp room with a small fire and a solitary Bombay Sapphire to keep him company.
He knew winter was approaching and fast, sometimes the inconvenient obviousness of a bit of blood in the spittle he had trouble controlling these days, the bouts of coughing that turn into retching too frequently. Things that would have shocked the boys of yesterday -- 'really? Jacko put orange juice in his vodka? you're fucking with me!" -- now too commonplace. On some level instinct might have been kicking in, that basic thing as animal as ever inside of all things that draw breath, the thing within that makes a mortally wounded deer try to flee even though it can smell and feel and see its life jetting red across the cold snow, even as it hears the hunter reloading and the dread crunch of his approaching boots. But his mind fought back with the insane logic he'd been gifted with, not near as many years on the earth as should have been offered up to him in the well-heeled neighborhoods of his London youth, yet fuller than most twice his age.
So now he felt obligated, not to anyone but himself really, to try and relive those years by writing to himself as much as he could remember. It was a way to pass the time until he drifted off and did not come back from sleep, pen in hand, the ever-present gin by his side. A way to not feel so alone. Maybe a way to push the worry out of his brain and convince him he had done right in this world.
His boys still checked on him most often, all of them well grown now and most good and decent people, something he liked to think was his doing. A sort of father in a sense most people would have considered fucked up at the least, dozens of them he had a hand in raising and only one ended up in prison. Several found their way to Uni, in fact, when the chances of them making it there without Jacko were near impossible.

Focus, he tells himself, pen to paper. How it began.
How it really began. His hands shake and he begins to write in that disorderly scrawl brought on by years of decadence.

December 1963. The time that became known as 'the Big Freeze.'
It was a chilly day. Hardly understating it, either, and Jackson Lloyd, a boy of 13 months from 14, wandered through the small square going back and forth between shivering to death and staring in amazement at all the snow. The news went on and on over the radio about how the winter of '63 was colder and snowier than ever before. He was on holiday, not by his own choice, but because he was supposed to care about his ailing grandmother, a woman he barely knew beyond a hunched black shadow that creaked on about the Blitz and listened to radio only, even though there was a perfectly sound television gathering dust in the kitchen.
Jackson was not allowed to watch television, however, only when he snuck downstairs in his underwear in the middle of the night, thankful the old bat slept like a rock while worried what he was supposed to do if she didn't wake up. He gave up his nightly ritual after a few days because the programmes about London made him homesick, made him miss his best friend Ben too much and made him need to tell Ben the truth.
His boots crunched under the snow. Finally, he would be allowed escape from days of ringing ears from blaring old music and choked lungs from the Dunhills she chain-smoked as if they might be out of style. He was getting himself back to London any way possible, because New Year's was just half two days off, and he wanted to spend it with Ben and finally come out with things that in hindsight he should have known better than to speak aloud.

His mum of course was none too pleased to have Jackson show up unexpectedly, but he played her quite well with coughing and claiming Grandma's cigarettes were making him ill. A pat on the back and an unemotional brush of his disorderly damp black hair, and now to find Ben and hope his words didn't stick in his throat.

Ben was the sort of boy Jackson looked up to, eighteen months older yet so much more worldly. Jackson envied his best friend for ski trips to Austria and summers in Nice, to be sure, but more to the point he knew that he loved him. The boy thought nothing of letting Jackson curl up with him at sleepover, and those nights Jackson would watch his friend sleep, sometimes dare to be brave enough to brush the long ginger hair out of his eyes or even brave enough on a few occasions to kiss him in his sleep, feel his full lips and catch a taste of his breath slipping into his mouth, always seeming to taste like oranges. Those nights were something of pain and desire he didn't quite understand himself, and now he wondered if Ben might know how Jackson felt.

Ben was immodest in ways that at first embarrassed Jackson, carrying on conversation right in the bath with him whilst fully naked, but then Jackson began to find himself liking this, trying to not be too obvious where his eyes would wander, adopting his friend's habits and himself daring to bathe in front of him fully naked. That required every bit of courage Jackson had, because his own parts where considerably smaller than his friend's, all he could do was discreetly bite his tongue to avoid getting a hard-on at being naked in front of Ben, every bit of his brain fighting his urge to ask Ben to jump in with him. And giving in far too often to mortal sin when alone in his room thinking about Ben. In his mind he saw how tonight would go, simply come right out and tell Ben everything he felt, and then Ben would kiss him, a grownup kiss flowered with oranges and love and they'd share the warm beer stolen from a cupboard Ben's parents thought was securely locked. He thought about discovery, their theft discovered, and then the truth of their true friendship would be out there for all and it would all be fine, munching on Victorian sponge loaded with strawberries. Yes, Ben and him would be together forever, friends and everything else.

And it was time, them alone that evening. He stammered a few words that managed to get the point across nonetheless.
'You fucking queer,' hissed Ben. 'You bent bastard!'
Jackson stepped back in shock, the only small relief was they were alone in the house so no one else could see this betrayal. He couldn't understand anything suddenly, but Ben wasn't finished.
'When I look at you, you...you....tosser, it's like I just crawled into my warm bed to find my dog shat and pissed and puked all in my covers, and I just run to puke myself trying to get the stink off me. Then I trip over my dog's dead body, fall on the loo and break half my teeth. You wanker!'
With a solid shove that nearly sent Jackson flying. Green eyes glared at him with so much hate he couldn't say or understand anything, just sit there on the floor opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish knocked out of its bowl, tears streaming down his cheeks.
Then came the kick, right in his cock, hard and sharp like soccer cleats, the fear and sickness rising in his mouth like spoilt milk realizing that was the only way Ben would ever touch him down there. Fear growing strong as a glass nearly struck him in the head before disintegrating on the fireplace hearth into a thousand pieces. Because clearly now Ben might well kill him.
Jackson was no small boy. In a normal schoolyard fight, a half stone more than Ben and four inches taller, Jackson could have thrashed him. But this was no normal fight, because everything he had hoped for would never happen, and now if Ben killed him that might be for the best. Everyone would know Jackson's secrets, every boy in school, every parent, everyone.
Even nearly fifty years on, he can't remember exactly what happened next. One minute he was choking up a broken tooth and spitting out blood, the very next he had a fire iron in his left hand and swung. Hard. Cricket was his sport to begin with, a game his left-hand swing made him a constant deadly surprise at, and even someone he'd known for almost half his life failed to see it coming from that direction. The iron connected with a vicious crack against Ben's skull, so hard it bent. And it was not like in the movies, no, Ben stumbled around for a few seconds as if drunk, blood coming out of his ears, his eyes, his mouth.
'You...cunt...' said Ben, spitting blood out with every word, before he fell straight onto a glass table that exploded into shards so big some went straight through him.
Jackson remembers sitting up, struggling to his feet, dropping the crumpled fire iron, now tears blocking everything, trying to wake Ben up, those eyes simply staring straight up blank, now his own clothes completely drenched in blood, so much blood it stunk like rust.
'Ben?! Ben?!' his own words seeming like they never came from his mouth.
Rough hands ripping him away from the boy he loved first and most, the boy he'd just killed.
He was only half-aware of Ben's pops trying to bring his son back to life, the boy's mum screaming 'what have you done, Jackson?!'
He stumbled backwards and without a second thought or a hesitation, he ran straight at the window, so fast he crashed right through it, a hundred pieces of splintered wood and glass ripping into him, but not so fast he made it as far as landing on the iron spikes of the fence he was aiming for. His head smacked hard against the bars and then there was just a snowy gray sky and the sting of his own blood crawling into his eyes, the cold, the chill as his blood and Ben's mixed in the snow and his clothes. Tears and pain.

Days later, awake in hospital, Jackson learned that with his family money and the barristers it bought, there was no sin he could not escape the full measure of consequences for, at least not in the real world. But the prison of his mind was now locked tight forever. He didn't speak for weeks, for no reason other than he felt so much pain all he could manage was to cry every moment whilst awake. The grownups assumed that it was his wounds and took a small bit of pity, and until this day Jackson never told a soul the real reason that from that horrible New Year's Eve forward a smile never cracked his lips without the help of the smack or the booze or the boys, all three in generous quantities. But from that day forth Jackson was dead, a boy's corpse living inside the man everyone would forever know as Jacko.

excerpt - 4/4

2010-02-23T12:41:00.000-05:00

We get drunk together that night and most of it is a nice warm blur until moms shows up an hour earlier than I expect and finds us, well, not the sort of thing any of us want to see. She was cool with things in the abstract sense but that was definitely TMI and yeah she sorted that her box of rubbers was never touched so she's a bit pissed but not gonna make a scene while he's here. I can tell from her face though I'm really gonna get yelled at about two seconds after he's gone, fuck just wait til she gets the whole picture, that ain't gonna be pretty.
I'm just paralyzed and trying to find anything to cover up with, fuck if there's one thing no kid wants mom to see it's him with a dripping hard-on, Ry is a bit more composed so he manages to find things before I can at least. And he gets his good boy pose back well quick, apologizing for being, what's the word he uses? 'Indiscreet.' That's too many fucking syllables to exist in a normal conversation.
Moms wants to talk to him and I have a really nervous feeling now but he's all calm, they're out in the hall talking and at one point she yells which oh fuck I think he just told her this could go real bad. But now they're talking quietly and I strain to listen in but all I catch is him saying something like 'i promise i'll take care of Ben' which he didn't have to say I guess to her and it makes me feel better or as good as I guess I can feel after quickly fucking my entire life up.
Everything just changed though, and I know it don't want to think too much on it but it has.

Maybe I was really reckless and stupid, but maybe things don't go straight to shit though and me and Ry use the time we have together to be happy and maybe all our days are like warm summer breezes before it starts to collapse into freezing rain and ice.
And it's like Ry is reading my mind cos he crawls into bed next to me and holds me and fuck that just feels so safe and nice I fall straight to sleep.

the rest of this will be in the book coming out hopefully in May. :)

excerpt 3/4

2010-02-21T11:16:00.000-05:00

We wander downstairs where mom is a nervous wreck about dinner, seems like the spaghetti didn't cooperate very well or something so she's running back and forth between the kitchen and doesn't even notice when Ry grabs my dick under the table and so fucking fast he gets me off in like a minute.
'I'm running out of jeans,' I whisper and he smiles that evil smile again.
It's all going way too fast but I don't want to slow it down, can't even figure out how to react I mean I always jerked off to thinking like this might happen but never expected it to. I haven't even thought through any of this like he's just someone I like better than any person I've met and fucking cuter than any of the boy band singers I have on my walls, hmm, yeah, Ben, that was probably a giveaway to Ry when he saw my room first time.
'This is great, Mrs. Jane,' says Ry, and I'm struck that he has more manners than have ever existed in this house, doesn't talk with his mouth full, chews with his mouth closed. It's intimidating and I find myself trying to be proper but that's not so easy cos moms' sgetti is so awesome. I tried making it once, that experiment ended with firemen in the kitchen laughing at me.
'It's Bridge Night, will you boys be okay alone here?' she asks and right when I'm thinking oh god Ben sneaks a quick grab of my jeans which are already wet and I try to say sure but it comes out like a squawk that I have to explain away by saying I choked on something.
Dinner seems to take forever to finish and Ry is sweet, insists on doing dishes.
'Don't let Ben near them,' she cautions, 'last time I let him do dishes he broke three.'
What is it about moms that they always bring up embarrassing shit and as if that wasn't bad enough wtf does Ryan say but 'that's cute' with a laugh. My moms is liberal but that one got her off guard and I have to give her credit for recovering so fast, me, I'm well toast and turning red despite trying to act like I didn't hear that.
He's in the kitchen doing dishes while I try to look useful and decide to throw some of her clothes in the wash which is about the only household chore I do well, and fuck if moms doesn't come in right behind before leaving and scare me half to death.
'You could have told me, Benny,' she says with a smile, 'he's quite a catch.'
And then she gives me a playful punch on the shoulder. I might never be able to speak again, I just want to put myself in the washing machine now.
'Uh...'
'I'm off,' she says, so ordinary like that I wonder if I just totally imagined that. 'Hey, Benny...if you...there's condoms in my nightstand, okay, just be safe promise?'
Then she's out the door leaving me to bang my head against the wall. This must be what they mean when in the movies they say mothers know their sons better than you think.
The phone rings which makes me jump and now I gotta pull myself together and form complete sentences. It's dad, he's off somewhere in Tokyo or some other place too far away to really fucking bother remembering.
'Hey, sport,' he says. 'Where's your mom?'
'It's Bridge Night, dad. Remember?' like he ever would. The only thing he really means to me is allowance money. 'It's just me and my friend Ry here.' I almost slipped up and said boyfriend.
Not like there was any need for me to say that cos next I know dad is asking me if we're boyfriends. Does everyone fucking know my supposed secret. I just stutter a bit and he lets me off easy by saying he's got to run to a meeting or something and have mom call when she gets in. Thankfully he doesn't give me directions to the condoms, at least, though I have to wonder if he knows they're there or if mom is up to something I really don't want to know about.

Ry is done with the dishes now and I find the nasty wine I snuck in a week ago, but he just laughs and says let's have some real wine. I know that might be pushing it a bit for moms even now but whatever, I guess. I watch him opening one of the bottles with that corkscrew I stabbed myself with by accident when I was twelve and wonder how this kid knows all this proper shit so well. His mom must have been someone special or rich or something, the only way an unruly teenager ever acts civilized I guess. Unlike me, who just stabs the cork with a butter knife until it pops down into the bottle. Yeah. Nice glass of wine with crunchy bits of cork in it, sort of like grownup chocolate-chocolate-chip ice cream.
He goes off to pee and discovers mom and dad's bathroom first.
'Wow, a jacuzzi tub,' he yells from the bathroom. Okay, he's not so polite, peeing with the door wide open, that's a bit of a relief.
All sorts of strange things keep jumping to mind and I find myself surprising him mid-piss and starting up the jacuzzi tub.
He starts acting nervous and I'm just dense enough to not have a clue why until I coax him into letting me get his jeans off and he jumps when I touch his dick even though it's hard as fuck he's sort of backing up a bit.
'I'm not sure about this,' he says, kind of looking down. 'I mean...I don't want to give you...'
Fuck if I don't always manage to stumble over myself.
'I'm not scared about it,' I say, which is true, maybe stupid but it's true. He's just standing there with his dick out looking nervous at me so I try to prove my point by putting my mouth on it. Probably would have worked a lot better if I knew what the fuck I was doing, I end up biting him and he yelps but that breaks the tension and now he's laughing.
'You sure?' he says and I say yeah like that should be fyeah cos if I thought he was gorgeous with clothes on he's twice as much with them off. I drag him into the tub and curl up in his lap and he's so far and it's pressing against me which is making me dizzy and before he can react like instinct I just push it in a bit.
'We should use a rubber,' he says, but he's only half struggling to pull out and it feels too good, I won't let him. 'What if I cum,' he whispers and he's gasping cos even though I've only seen this in internet porn I must be doing it right. Not gonna answer him. I never thought anything could feel this good, it's like all my happiest moments in my life all squished into one perfect moment and fuck consequences, no one ever accused me of good judgment, but fuck it and he's gasping real loud now and groans and holds me tight against him which I guess means that question is well pointless now and I'm shooting all over the place at the same time and just flop back against his chest while trying to catch my breath while he slips out.
'I guess we're boyfriends now,' is all I can think to say and it's not a sad thought at all it feels nice and safe when he says 'yeah' back and there's a sort of chill cos now what. I'm scared a bit cos my life is his too now and fuck we only just met but somehow this feels perfect. Now he's washing my hair, his hands massaging me and I close my eyes try not to think of the now what part of things that's gonna be ugly just the part where me and him are together in it, I even let it slip that I'm in love with him and he says 'ditto' and fuck I've filled in all the connect-the-dots part for most of my life I know now the sad part is gonna creep in soon enough.
The part where we never grow old together, at least in the normal sense of things, I guess cos when you die you really can't get much older than that, can you?

excerpt 2/4

2010-02-19T12:15:00.000-05:00

His dad says it's cool and I don't know if I'm imagining but I swear I caught him staring at my crotch which could be for any number of reasons besides the ones I want it to be.

He's never played Wii I guess cos he nearly takes out the TV trying to bowl with the controller flying across the room.
'Shit!' he says then covers his mouth and I laugh and say it's okay, can't really help myself I just mess his hair up cos he's down to just his black T and jeans and socks and so cute. Control yourself, Ben, I think, fishing the controller out of the pile of dirty-but-not-so-dirty-I-can't wear clothes in the corner. Yeah. I'm a fag and even do that badly, I just pick up anything off the floor that isn't too smelly to wear, can't be arsed to dress neat.
'Did ya really mean what you said?' he asks and now I'm wondering what I said, even scared I might have spit something out that was dumb.
'Huh?'
'I heard what you said back at the swings,' he says, 'will your mom get pissed if I climb out onto the roof and smoke?'
And fuck she probably would but since this is the first friend over in like two years I could probably set the lawn and house on fire and get away with it, she's so thrilled and he passed inspection with flying colors, the perfect sort of kid I could call a friend in her judgment. If only she knew what was going on in my head she'd prolly go bats, or maybe she does know, I sure as fuck hope she hasn't figured out what cause the kleenexes are going to in large quantities.
I join him which this just goes to my crush on him cos I'm terrified of heights and keep imagining I'm sliding off the roof to sure death. For a good two minutes or so I manage to avoid dealing with what he said and smoke without choking to death on it just to look cool in his eyes.
'You heard that, shit,' I finally say and he smiles and shit he kisses me on the cheek just a light touch which nearly sends me off the roof but he catches me and laughs so I say 'of course..don't get offended or nothing but yeah you're...' uhm Ben what word did you pick out of all the ones you could've used but 'sexy' and add 'as fuck' onto the end of it. Now turning like six shades of red and expecting him to throw me off the roof.
But all he says is 'thanks, you are too' which now I really have no fucking ability to speak left so I just smoke.
Then the ugly thing I was trying to avoid jumps up cos he has to say he didn't get it from doing it with a boy, had it since birth cos of his moms, rambling on about it and asking if it scares me and I say no and fuck if I don't say something about rubbers for some reason, okay, Ben, you just had to drop the thought of wanting to have sex with him didn't you?
'Wow, down boy,' is all he says with a laugh, if I get any redder now I'm gonna match the bricks on the wall. 'Hey, kiddo, I'm not pissed or nothing that you said that.'
I dont quite know what to say here cos well I really expected a repeat of what happened with Jamie and no clue what to do now that he isn't shutting me down. Now he's got my hand which is cold as ice and puts it right on his crotch.
'Fuck,' I whisper and squeeze.
'What?'
'Uhmmm...I just...you know.'
He laughs and yeah he's totally got control of me I just hope he isn't gonna be mean with it. I hope there's no one that can see us even though of course there could be cos we're right out in the open and he sticks his hand down my jeans which makes it happen again and I'm like 'don't stop' just close my eyes and god it's ten times better than when I jerk myself my mind is destroyed wonder if this counts as my first time or not and shit he starts kissing me like pushes my lips apart and I'm so stumbling through this, bite his tongue for good measure, shit my jeans are like drenched now cos I can't stop shooting.
'Boys! Dinner!' yells mom, talk about killing a mood.
We go in and I find a sort-of-clean pair of jeans, start to go to the bathroom to change but decide to strip right in front of him and he's like let me clean you up and fuck he puts his mouth right on me at this rate I'm gonna run out of juice forever.
I don't want him to stop but mom's gonna wonder or worse come check on us so I have to gently coax him off which is the last thing I want to do now, shit, I could go without food for the rest of my life if he was down there.

except.....1/4

2010-02-16T22:59:00.000-05:00

For someone whose life has flattened out into a lot of numbers in a stark white sheet of paper in a doctor's office, he's calm. And all the shit that has brought on, fuck, he's my age, seventeen, and dealing with all this. I sure as fuck couldn't do it. Not even sure what is making me do this but something tells me I need to, his name is Ryan, new kid to school is bad enough but everyone knows somehow and that makes it way worse.
'Hey,' I say for lack of anything better. 'I'm Ben.'
He smiles nervously and introduces himself, probably expecting me to be mean somehow. And there's a bit of silence which is awkward, I'm usually the one in his position with making a friend and all I can think is to ask him if he's doing anything after school, if not, wanna come over and play Wii Bowling which shit Ben that sounded so stupid. But he smiles and says cool, that'd be fun, now I'm promising him moms will make dinner if he can stay that late and he likes that.
'That'd be cool, dad won't care.'
Which I don't know the whole story but I know his mom is dead from what he's got and that's gotta really mess him up. I make up my mind to try to avoid that subject even though I know myself well enough to know I'll stumble right into it with my usual clumsiness at some point. The bell rings to send us to class, how the hell did thirty minutes sneak away so fast. I tell him to meet out by the swings after class and we'll walk to my home then, he says 'cool, i will' and I kinda get he's wondering if he'll go there and not find me there and feel stupid for expecting to, but that's not gonna happen, I'll be there cos I don't have any close friends for my own bad reasons.
Us outcasts gotta stick together, right?

I'm so preoccupied I totally fuck up my math test and the teacher has to ask me like six times before I notice she's talking to me and of course the whole fucking room is laughing at me yeah and of course someone manages to yell out 'bent Ben' before they get yelled at. It's so fucking annoying and I was stupid to even have tried that with Jamie that cos of course he freaked out and decked me and the whole fucking school knew I tried to grab his dick not even a day later. Two fucking years ago and that nickname is never gonna go away and yeah part of why I'm nice to Ryan is cos I think he's fit and just maybe he won't freak if I bring it up and another part is he just got here so he doesn't hate me yet like everyone else does. I'll probably be stupid and fix that one like I always do soon enough. Must be nice to be normal and liked by the other kids, but I sure as fuck wouldn't know that feeling.

I just barely remember to warn mom to make extra and she doesn't bitch which makes me feel guilty a bit cos I can tell she's excited for me to actually have a friend over, yeah. She doesn't know what happened and I hope she never does figure out why the last kid over was Jamie or why he left pissed off and red-faced when he was spose to crash there that night. Of course she asked what happened and tried to get me to talk to her but I just blew it off, it was bad enough to know what was gonna happen to me the next day without trying to tell the truth. She didn't push though and even held her cool when I showed up after school next day with a black eye and fat lip. It's so fucking unfair to her, I know, she for sure wonders what happened to her perfect straight-A student that suddenly he got all scrappy and in the space of like a week he went from getting his ass kicked by the entire school to getting suspended for beating the shit out of who used to be his best friend so bad it took three teachers to pull him off. Yeah. I put Jamie in hospital for several days and since then no one dares to really fuck with me much beyond calling me names, that kid who yelled that in class will be looking over his shoulder for the next week which he better cos I'm well tempted to make an example of him.

Ryan's sitting by the swings like he said and looks happy that I actually showed. I try not to be so obvious about it but I'm looking him over and he's fit as hell, messy dirty blonde hair half-covered by his dark purple hoody and he has pretty eyes, so green, I find myself checking out his skinny jeans and I gotta stop myself cos I'm staring at his er package which shit looks big as hell. He notices me staring which I can't help but do and kinda smiles a bit like I wonder what that's about, if maybe he's liking me checking him out. Fuck Ben, stop thinking it, stop raping him with your eyes.

'Hey,' I say, trying not to stutter cos I'm nervous not just cos my mind is making me think things it shouldn't but also cos yeah even if *that* doesn't happen it will be cool to have him over to hang with. I miss having friends.
He stands up, shuffling a sneaker in the snow and smiles a bit wider which just makes me notice his lips, if I could kick myself without coming across like a psycho I would. Ryan gives a hand-slap which I turn into a handshake and almost take too far cos some real weird urge to hold hands is taking over me.
'Thanks for being nice to me,' he says in a way that makes me feel so sad cos it's like he doesn't expect it.
'Why wouldn't I be?' I start to say and for fucks sake I tell him he's cute which I sure as fuck didn't expect to say thank fuck he didn't quite hear me say that so when he says 'huh' I just say 'you seem cool.'
But I think he did hear it cos he gives a bit of a smile that doesn't quite fit and shit he gives me a hug right on the street, not even a straight boy hug but a real one acting like he's appreciative but he's pressed up against me and fuck instant hard-on. I squish him harder against me and make him hold it a bit longer than I should but he doesn't say anything about it.
'Hang on a sec,' he says and he pulls out a crumpled pack of cigs from his jeans pocket which makes me stare at his crotch. 'You want one?'
'Uhm...' and no I've never even tried a cigarette before but Ry, fuck I just gave him a nickname in my head, he could offer me any number of things I'd get in serious shit for and say yes so I do. I feel really stupid cos yeah I have no fucking clue how to work a lighter and almost set myself on fire trying before he takes it away from me and lights my cig in his mouth which either he's just being nice or being one hell of a tease cos now my dick is like bout to pop the zipper.
But thank fuck I get distracted on the first puff which is making me look stupider by the second cos I'm coughing so bad I half-expect my lung to go flying out of my mouth and Ry is laughing at me til I get it under control, now I gotta sit down cos I'm dizzy as hell suddenly. It's kind of a nice dizzy like the time Dad first gave me a glass of wine with dinner despite the stare of death from mom.
She finally got over herself though and most dinners I get one or two now, part of dad's 'teachable lessons' kick or something, I think it's mostly just trying to make me like him since he's always gone off someplace for work and rarely home to do much more than act like a father based on what he's seen in a movie.
So much for that one though, lol I learned pretty quick what happens if I sneak past the 'responsible' glass or two with cheap wine some old guy bought for me with the odd few bucks I get for birthdays or holidays, learned even quicker there's a point too far past that where all that happens is me trying to puke quietly without waking anyone up and so shit next day I have to fake like I'm coming down with the flu so I stay home and suffer in bed feeling like I want to die. I remember now I still got a bottle of some scary shit hidden under my mattress.
'Hey, it's Friday, can you stay over?'
'Prolly, let me ask my dad,' and he's calling on his mobile while my mind is doing flips. Fuck, Ben, control yourself and please don't fuck this up by getting drunk and doing something stupid. Like I know I will.

fuck valentine's day

2010-02-14T10:19:00.002-05:00

cold oil-slick pizza
warm leftover vodka
chalky taste of aspirin

frozen rain slides down the window
fire from yesterday giving out with a low hiss

look at the glass of vodka from last night
still tempted to drink it
even though it became a grisly martini overnight
littered with the corpse of some unlucky insect instead of an olive

three hours til the liquor store opens
this is my religion now
there's enough left in the bottle to last til mid-day mass there
so I throw the glass out on the fireplace
watch it ignite

make him a funeral pyre
lucky creature gets to go out in a ball of fire
there was a time i thought i would have that privilege

yes, this is Today
even a year ago i could have enjoyed it
without staining the birth of dawn in tears
and drowning my world to make it bearable

this is me now
just lonely, sad, pathetic
so pathetic i refuse to even care or feel sorry for me

on the couch with liquor at nine in the morning
still drunk but also hungover
wrenched into half-awake from nightmares sharp as rusty razors

the same way i am about you

burning into my head
like candles on my birthday cake as a boy
the last year before i realized childhood was over and i was going to die
just years before i tried to make that come quick
the time of darkness before you
and like those last days together when i still couldn't believe it

your laughs, the noise, the spinning fun times
stumbling through Us together
bumping into life and each other

always the fool never sensing
we tumbled along in life and i never noticed your distance growing
never expected those terminal words
never thought the day would come where you would say you still wanted me in your life
just not that way

i never thought i could hurt like this
and all im left with is desperately stuffing bits of hate
into the holes of my life that love used to fill
the tears as reliable as winter rain

so I just pop in a movie i've seen a thousand times
some story about a relationship crashing like a doomed zeppelin
and gulp my vodka and cry
anesthesia for reality
careful to not smoke an entire cigarette at once so i don't run out

someone sent me chocolates for the day
a tacky box which like life
is crowded with sweet candies stuffed with disgusting inedible things

the meaning of love
clear as a skyburst atom bomb
food poisoning for the soul

vodka please rinse it all away
leave me with atropine dreams

disappeared - excerpt of upcoming story for book, part 3/3

2010-02-13T23:15:00.000-05:00

It's chilly and dark as fuck here in Oklahoma or Kansas or Nebraska or wherever the fuck Vaughn dropped me off. Way too late to get another ride, I made him drop me off in the middle of nowhere before realizing just how fucking creepy a cornfield is in the full moon. The wind hisses through dried up dead leaves. At least it's not horrible cold and Vaughn was kind enough to give me a sleeping bag from the back of his truck.
At first I think about curling up amongst the cornstalks but then the thoughts come like maybe there's some nasty bugs living in the corn or maybe they harvest this shit with those big machines like on TV and I wind up getting chewed up. I hesitate but the next thought then is those movies where creepy shit with big teeth hides in the cornfields and now I'm not bout to go in there.
I find a place in the woods that's a healthy distance from the corn where no one can see from the road and set up as best as I can, really not much to set up, just spread out the sleeping bag and get my second vodka bottle and second pack of cigs out to drink til I get sleepy enough to pass out. My stomach growls, typical fucking Ian remembers to buy cigs and vodka and totally forgets to buy something to eat. There's a rather old bag of pretzels and some peanuts in my backpack from god knows when, well, better than nothing I guess.
I lay back and munch on a stale pretzel while alternating vodka with Diet Coke, staring up at the stars. It's so freaky how the moon and stars seem so close out here like I could just reach up and touch them but yet they're so far, like dreams, forever out of reach of me but always in my face making fun of me.
I snuff out one cig in the dirt and stick another in my mouth, not lighting it just yet. Somehow that stupid line from some movie about you and me lying underneath the same stars or whatev crawls into my head like a bucketful of earwigs.
I don't know why you did this to me. We always hung out and drank together, not like I was the only one drinking and having fun, not like I was mean to you when I was drunk or ever for that matter. Fuck, I made you breakfast in bed more times than I can count, cooked you dinner and made a cake for your birthday for you, got you cards every Christmas and birthday and holiday, took care of you that time you got the flu, doing everything I could for you, even giving you hot baths to make your body ache less. I never said no when you wanted to have sex, never refused you anything.
I even forgave you that time you were staying at your friend's place and ended up getting drunk and having sex with him and came to me the next day hungover and crying your eyes out.
On what fucking planet do I deserve this?
I light the cigarette. It's all so fucked now, just like my grandpa said before he killed himself so he didn't end up in the old age home. This is how it starts, first it's just one question stuck in my head that there is no answer to or way to answer, and then there will be another, and another, until one day it's like a black fog full of them that makes me choke.
He had the right idea, even though he told me he'd held on too long after grandma died, he'd seen and done everything in life he wanted by then and shoulda just stuck his head in the oven the day after she was laid to rest.
He had always gone on without end about all the things he'd said and done while I listened in amazement, my bright blue eyes wide, my mind filled with the things in life I could do.
I remember when I met you and how quick things jumped so far and all those times together like a tornado of emotions, your love the only thing I trusted and how wonderful to wake up next to you and rest my head on your chest while you slept. It felt so safe then. Now the eyes are afraid to believe, stained red from tears which just won't stop coming over and over again. I curl up in a ball and cuddle my vodka, shivering a bit and crying.
My head hurts. I don't know where to go from here any more.

It would be easier if there was anyplace in the world left that I wanted to go.

the entire story will be in the (hopefully!) soon-to-be-released collection of shorts...stay tuned for more info, as i get it more together i'll update ya! thx <3 -doug

disappeared - excerpt of upcoming story for book, part 2/3

2010-02-12T23:39:00.000-05:00

The driver is nice to me. I've never been in a big rig before so he kinda had to drag me up into it which made him laugh, and he was friendly. The introductions were short, his name is Vaughn, he's from Oklahoma or Kansas or one of those places you only see in depressing movies and misses his wife and kids. He's not asking me many questions, the only one I answered was my name which I lied and said 'Sean.'
It's pushing one o'clock in the morning by the time I see the road sign that says we're leaving the state I never thought I'd get out of in my life just a few hours ago.
'I know I'm not sposed to, but is it okay if I drink this?' I ask, showing the vodka bottle under my hoodie.
Vaughn hesitates but there's no traffic on the road this time of night and this part of the next state is all woods and farms, no reason there would be a cop for miles, so he says okay. I offer him a cig.
'You can't tell my wife if you meet her,' he laughs. 'I'm supposed to be through with these things months ago.'
But he takes one and we smoke in silence. I know he wants some explanation for me, well, fuck, everyone wants one and yeah I could give one but I'm through doing that, everyone I ever let get that close to me ended up stabbing me in the back. At this point, I'm not even sure there is one. I don't know exactly where I'm going, just away, far far away, someplace warm where I can sleep outside out of view of people cos I can't work on the books without being found out yet. Someday I'll figure out how to get around that, but for now I just need to make sure my name doesn't show up on anyone's computer otherwise they'll drag me back.
Much better this way, leave them all thinking that aliens abducted me might be as plausible as any other explanation. I wonder how many days, maybe months, they'll drag the marsh and run their dogs into it trying to find my body before they give up. I should feel guilty for doing this to my parents but I don't, ever since I came out to them a few years back I've had to fight them every step of the way to be who I am, had to hide and protect myself from their prying overprotective bullshit.
And I hope most of all you never rest well again, I hope every night you wonder if you'd done something different that last night, been nice to me and not so fucking mean, this never would have happened. Cos that is after all the truth of it. I hope you wake up soaked in sweat from nightmares about my corpse freezing in the snow, hope it never leaves you alone. Maybe the guilt of what you did drives you deep into alc or pills or drugs and you self-destruct. You sure as fuck deserve it.

It occurs to me that Valentine's Day is just around the corner. I feel so goddam empty and alone.

This is killing me, I half-want to make Vaughn pull over and jump right in a truck going back and find you and beg you to take me back, just to lie in your bed and curl up with you and kiss you and we can get drunk and watch stupid movies and laugh and enjoy each other's company again like we had before.
The other half of me just wants to open this door and throw myself out of it and smash into the pavement at sixty miles an hour, the pain would be gone forever then.
I don't know who I think I'm kidding. There is no future out there for me without you, just a lot of meaningless pain and loneliness, I'm just a scared animal that only knows it has to run away without even knowing where it's running to which is probably someplace worse than where it started.

disappeared - excerpt of upcoming story for book, part 1/3

2010-02-11T21:25:00.001-05:00

I stuff my cold hands in my pockets and fish out the crumpled pack of USA Golds, stupid soft packs suck. The tears are frozen to my cheeks it's so goddam cold. I fumble around for a minute straightening out a slightly bent cig. It's cold as fuck here without this other shit making it seem even worse, there's not even any snow to speak of which would make it seem less dead, just wind, lots of wind. It takes me a good two minutes to get it lit due to the freaking wind. That, and I drank a bit more than I should have, well I was going down the road to happy drunk til you pulled that shit, now I just want to go lie on the highway and wait for a tractor trailer to flatten me and take away all the pain.
And I'm not spose to have it out here but fuck all of you, I take a swig from the shit vodka and quickly follow it with a drag off my cig to double up the burning. My head is already starting to hurt and I feel like I ate a bag of cotton balls soaked in nail polish.

'You're drunk again,' you said, and you've said that before, mostly yelled it at me. But this time it came out sounding different.
Different like sad. Different like you stopped giving a fuck whether I was.
'What?' was all I could think to say and you didn't say shit back for a minute just shook your head and looked at me with this fucking weird look and wtf since when did my boyfriend turn into my parents?
I'm starting to get those words together through my fog and starting to get pissed cos I was having fun until you said that, was thinking how much fun it'd be for me and you to go sit on the swings in the playground and drink and talk and make out and laugh like I'd been looking forward to all week.
'I can't deal with you like this,' you said. 'We need a few weeks apart. I need a few weeks to think. Get your shit together, man, cos this isn't healthy for either of us. I mean it, Ian, okay? I will always love you...and I will always be your friend. But I can't be with you for now, not like this, I can't deal with this.'
And before I can say shit you give me a hug, the kind of hug someone gives their straight friend, and look at me in the eyes with this sad look and you're gone, leaving me with my mouth hanging open in shock.
All I can think first is like I don't believe it and start to find a place to sit down but everyone at this party is noticing me now cos I can't help it, I'm starting to cry and fuck all of them, I don't want to be held or touched or talked to by anyone now, I just want to get the fuck out.

So here I am swaying like a broken reed in the cold wind. I kill one cig and move on to the second one quickly and fuck the pack is going fast. All these people, everyone I know, everyone I grew up with, it occurs to me that this is like cement around my feet now, I'll never be happy if I don't get out of here, fuck, maybe even if I do get out of here it'll never happen. And I'm running out of cigs and vodka and there's a 24-hour place a half-mile down the road that I can buy both at. Perfect choice cos I'm only seventeen but they'll still sell to me, there's a reason their surveillance cameras are always broken.

And do I have the nerve, I don't know, I just know I want to run away from this life and never return, fuck your four-week separation plan cos you just shattered what was between us forever, it was our last goodbye. That really hurts. I never saw it coming, I mean we were always so perfect together and had so much fun, fuck I was planning to move in with you in your apartment sixty miles away from my house this summer and you were all for that and suddenly now this. Like fuck there really is no such thing as love, is there?

I want to disappear, want to become invisible. I pull up my hood and wander down the highway, struggling to keep a reasonably straight walk going, and it's only a few minutes before I'm safely protected by lots of vodka and cheap cigs. And there's still another few hundred bucks left over from the christmas checks from aunts and uncles who don't really know me at all and my paycheck I just cashed. Fuck, to think just over a month back I looked at my life at a miinute past midnight and thought shit was going to work out this year, this time, finally for once.

I dig out my cel phone and place the one call that will bring it all down for once and forever. Hopefully traffic is heavy enough that I can make this work and don't fuck up this too.

'Dad? Yeah, no, my car isn't starting. I'm just gonna get a ride with a friend. Probably be a few hours....no, they're not drinking, they just don't want to leave so early...I know I'm supposed to be home earlier but my car...it'll be fine, don't worry...go ahead, go to sleep. I'll see you in the morning.'

I hang up then and toss the phone as far into the marsh as I can, then turn north and walk towards the highway, careful not to walk anywhere that might leave footprints.

crimescenes - 2

2010-02-10T00:13:00.000-05:00

I don't remember what happened to wake me up cept I rolled over and stared through blurry eyes to see the clock to see it says "04:45" and my brain just works funny cos first thing that pops into my head is 4+4+5 which adds up to 13.
'What's wrong,' whispers Kev, and now I'm aware his hand is right on my dick which fuck even if I knew the answer to his question I can't speak, just gasp and he's willing to so I just close my eyes and it's like a minute before I tell him I'm close, well I said that too late.
He laughs and finds a dirty T-shirt to clean me up and suddenly the room is filled with flashing lights which makes us duck in panic, like wtf, is it the sex police? I wonder but no there's like four cop cars and two ambulances across the street at the neighbor's place.

I never really met this neighbor so yeah I'm being judgmental but they seemed weird, it was like a father, a mother, and two twin boys whom I guess were like eleven or so. The father always looked grumpy, the mother looked like the kind of woman who never said a word unless allowed to, and the boys well they made me and Kev seem like normal kids, like little zombies that only associated with each other and never even spoke to any other kids. I'd never seen them smile or play, and just from what I'd seen from my window they were always doing work on their dad's garden. It's kind of pushing it to call it a garden, the old man must have had mental issues cos there were barely any flowers in it and everything he'd planted had spikes or thorns.

'Kev? Dax?' says a voice which makes me jump cos we're both stark naked staring through the blinds at the scene outside. It's mom and we hastily pull on jeans while she steals another freaking cig from me, oh well, fuck it, the pack is gonna be gone in two hours which is at least an hour before I can buy more. Teach me to steal vodka from her, speaking of which I find some glasses with nothing growing on them and pour some of the badly wounded bottle into all them and pass them around. Yummmy, warm vodka for breakfast, fuck it, yeah.

'That guy offed his wife and kids with a shotgun,' mom says, which makes me choke on my drink cos she kinda said it like someone might say 'It sure is warm today.' No wonder I was never quite normal. Just saying.

But on the other hand I'm not too surprised cos there def seemed to be something really off about all of them, 'specially the guy.
'Fuck,' says Kev, acting a bit bored and snagging more vodka and lighting a cig for both of us.
I'm thinking about it now, the kids were weird and the wife was a mouse, but really this whole thing is fucking sad cos yeah they may have been weird, they sure didn't deserve that shit.

Their old man shoulda just saved the world the trouble and stopped with blowing his own head off somewhere where no one would find him anytime soon. Why people have to fucking take their own bullshit out on people who never did anything to them, I dunno.

crimescenes - 1

2010-02-09T10:19:00.002-05:00

The sun trickles through the dirt on the window of my bedroom. Kev is messing around with my iPod and pretty much ignoring me while I half-watch some porno on the internet. Best friends, and this is how we spent our time together most times. F'ng sad this life.
It was cool, I guess, cos well we were comfortable with each other, like we weren't usually around the other kids, I always got real nervous and fidgety around them and he always got real shy and quiet, but around each other we could just spend the time together and occasionally do shit together like watch a movie or go swimming, but it was just nice to be with another person when it didn't mean stress. I guess we have a f'd up relationship, sometimes he crashes with me, yeah in my bed even, we don't really do anything with each other, but still not gonna tell anyone else that cos down here boys are sposed to act different than that. Really, it's just like he's 'spose to be there or something.
I dunno what he was thinking today, tho, cos he usually nicks something from the liquor store run by the half-blind Cuban guy but today he got this shit that's watermelon something-or-other and it's all I can do to drink it, f, it's worse than that shit the dentist makes me rinse with.
We're passing it back and forth and he stuffs one of the earbuds in my ear while the other is in his to share it, cos it's a song he really likes, some screamo thing I downloaded while I was drunk the other night. Like I said, I guess it's kinda f'd up, he doesn't even ask or really need to, I just squish on the bed next to him and listen and most boys would prolly be wondering why they were so close to another boy, me, I'm more wondering what the f kinda mood I was in to download this shit cos it's really fucking dark.
I dunno, sometimes that happens when I get drunk, if he's not around 'specially, I just lock the door and disappear into ma headphones and write some poetry.
And yeah the other kids think we're both weird and prolly think we're gay and we're not helping our case if we gave a shit, I know I don't, not sure but I don't think Kev does either. Like I said, it's like this is just how it's supposed to be, us right now, even when he slouches a bit so his head is on my chest that's cool. So I just say, f them. Yeah.

'I want a freaking cig,' he groans.
He's been trying to quit for about two days. This is like the fourth time in four months, so I'm not gonna say shit, moms isn't home so I just shut him up by stuffing one of mine in his mouth and hope there's AirFresh shit round somewhere cos smoking in my room is kinda pushing it a bit but I want a happy Kev on top of me, not a miserable one.
I light myself one too and think for a bit about what we are, us, and I kinda like the sound of 'boyfriends' though I'm not ready to say I'm gay just yet, keep my options open cos we're still young, but I slide that idea his way and Kev's reaction is, 'well, yeah, I always kinda thought of us like that, I mean f'k what other people think, yanno' like always, so relaxed.
So I push him up a little bit and kiss him right on the lips and shit he pins me and almost ashes on me giving me a big sloppy kiss which is well shocking cos we've never done that but I guess he wanted to and I'm actually liking it so we go for a bit until the cig is getting dangerously close to ashing all over us. Yeah, that was interesting.
'Let's go sit out back by the pool,' I say, barely catching my breath.
He smiles that smile that is like one part angel and one part demon and says okay so I grab the cigs and we're out back now. The melon shit is just awful and it's running out so I have to score a bottle from the liquor cabinet, mom will get a little pissed but I'll pay her back so it's cool.

The pool looks so inviting, it must be fk'ng ninety-nine out here and already I'm drenched in sweat, my eyes barely adjusting to the brightness after the cave-like dark of my room, and f if Kev doesn't rip my jeans right off of me. I guess he must've been waiting for me to say what I said for a long time, and I'm not embarrassed much even though I'm way too skinny and now totally naked at least there's a seven foot fence around the whole back yard so the only person who can see me is him.
He's just looking at me, crouched, smiling.
'You're beautiful, Dax,' he says.
I laugh at that and he says he means it and I tell him he's drunk and now it's his turn so he takes off his clothes and I'm jealous of him cos he's a swimmer when he isn't sucking down Marlboros. He's got a hell of a body and f if I'm not getting hard just looking at him. Yeah.

It would be a little awkward if mom walked out right now. Just saying.

We jump in the pool which feels so nice and cool and I'm smoking while he's flopping around half-trying to do some laps which is really kinda pointless in this pool cos it's tiny. Finally he gives up and comes up to me and I feel his dick right up against me when he does. It's weird cos ya I'm turned on as hell but mostly it just feel like this is the way the universe is supposed to be, I kiss him and it's not like something huge changed since I said that out loud, except we lost our clothes somewhere along the way.

I brush the wet black mop of hair out of his bright blue eyes and kiss him some more, first I'm a little nervous. Not cos I'm kissing another boy, who cares about that, just I don't know if I'm doing this f'in right. Yeah.

Then I close my eyes and it's kinda like that feeling when you fall straight to sleep and into an awesome dream cos it's just perfect and floating and warm. He tastes like gummy bears and Marlboros and that watermelon shit, too, unfortunately, wtf was he thinking. Ugh.

I tell him this and he laughs and mumbles something which I make him repeat to make sure I heard right. And I gotta honestly say ya to him, I guess he's right. I dunno, it's not like thunderclouds popped up when we said it, just kinda I guess the truth is spoken out loud for the first time. Just saying.

I took the vodka from mom's liquor cabinet, f, it's more like a liquor cavern, in hopes that it will burn off the sugary bubble-gummish taste of the watermelon shit. Honest, Kev, what the f were you thinking?

We're coughing after trying to choke it down when the screen door opens and there's mom looking like some 1960s movie star all Doris Day or some shit, with gigantic white flower sunglasses and a just perfect white summer suit and a pitcher of lemonade and some cups.

She doesn't really care that we're skinny dipping or drinking, and I guess she didn't overhear our conversation. I expect you're wondering if I'm making this up, but no, I gotta tell you more 'bout her, I doubt she'd really care if she had heard us. I think she did lots of drugs when she was younger or something, all she's annoyed with me about is that I'm making Kev drink vodka (out of a plastic cup no less!) without something to mix it with, and she's also frowning at me cos I picked the cheap vodka she only keeps around for uninvited guests or if there's too much time between child support checks.

All she says is 'here ya go, Dax, lemonade, don't get too smashed,' and then all is well in the world of momma, oh and by the way, hello Kevin, now I'm gonna go watch Judge Judy and you really shouldn't smoke, but could I get one off of you?

And then she's gone, like a hurricane of failed parenting most people would say I guess. I could hide dead bodies in the yard and she wouldn't care. Yeah.

Or maybe she isn't so bad, I mean, she's been this way since forever which is prolly why dad ran off, and maybe that's why I'm not like that kid Shawn I know from school who spends half his life terrified of admitting to himself or anyone he's gay/likes boys and the other half mortified his parents might find out the few times we jerked each other off. Fuck, kid, I told him, it's just a handjob, it felt good, what the f is the big deal?

I mean who the f wants to live like that? This way me and Kev are is way better, ya we kinda drifted together and I don't ever see us splitting up cos we just stuck together so good, at least I hope we never split. It was never something where I was freaking over whether mom would approve of me being with him. Long as my grades are good, she doesn't care what else I do that makes me happy, and f if Kev doesn't make me so happy all the time just by being Kev.

It's almost summer too like in a few days and I hope it's like Kev promised, basically him moving in here with me for most of it. It's kinda selfish cos I love cuddling up with him and he can actually cook unlike me, but I hope there's something about me he likes enough to stick around for. Just I have no idea what it is. And sometimes when it's dark and I'm drunk and alone and running out of cigs I get scared cos tbh the only thing that can terrify me in this life is not being with him. I can say that to myself pretty easy and know it's true, yeah.

Now we just broke down that last little barrier which only makes that threat worse. It would be like someone removed huge pieces of my body, it would totally f me up forever if we split up now and I have to hide a few tears from him for a minute before I can just push that shit out of my head and focus on how beautiful and sweet and wonderful he is.

I don't know if I drank the vodka too fast or what but I'm just so relaxed like this, holding him, though it's getting chilly as the sun starts to get low so I suggest we jump in the shower and maybe curl up to watch a movie together.

He asks if I'm hungry and I'm like yeah, sure, so he wanders off to find something and comes back a bit later with some pork chops and fried potatoes, acting like it was nothing when it tastes so freaking awesome. Kev is sweet like that, even made it for momma also. I toss the empty plate onto a stack of dirty dishes on my desk that is threatening to tip over at some point soon and we just curl up naked under the blanket, flipping through movies until we find something distracting, but quickly lose track of it and start making out. He's just so warm and soft next to me and this just is too perfect now. Yeah.

haunted - 12

2010-02-08T22:35:00.000-05:00

The snow changed to rain sometime overnight. I didn't sleep so good, but then again I never do. It's just past eight when I finally hear clinking downstairs and I spring to my feet, ready to chew my arm off after like twelve hours without a smoke. I have to try to act semi social for a few seconds before I get the nerve to ask if it's okay to smoke out back and if so what to use for an ashtray.
I guess the thought I had the first time I ever had a cigarette was right. Turns out Trey smoked, in the house no less, I just have lost a lot of my sense of smell after years of really cheap cigs. I find his ashtray but still go out back cos I like to be outside in the morning. Quickly I change my mind and suck the cigarette so hard it almost goes down my throat . It's pouring the rain and damned cold.
'You should have put on a coat,' comments his wife to me, I don't know what name to call her. She's making pancakes and I notice she's got real blueberries out, not frozen ones, the real thing. That sounds great. She seems much more there and cheery. I wonder if having me in the house is why, if maybe it makes the place seem less lonely than it had since Trey died.
Officer comes up behind me, how a big Irishman like him can move so quietly is weird. He's not a morning person, and come to think of it I guess he must mostly do nightshift cos I've never seen him on the streets before late afternoons.

The pancakes are great, even real maple syrup and bacon too, and I feel like I'm gonna pop from all of this food.
'So, you ready?' ask Officer.
'Yes, if it's okay, Officer.'
'Call me Colin,' he says with a laugh.
'You can call me Maddy,' his wife says. This has got to be more words than she's ever said to me before so I just say okay and go to find something warm and waterproof in Trey's stuff, finally settling on a Volcom hoody and finding sneakers that match it. The kid had kinda small feet but at least the sneakers don't have holes like mine.
It's a quiet ride to a place I've been scared to visit in years, passing by dozens of shuttered stores observing a holiday that seems so empty to me now. I think I remember enjoying it when I was little, the crinkle of wrapping papper that no matter how bad I destroyed it getting to my presents, moms always folded the salvageable pieces up and stored them.
I see a Chinese flower shop that's open and ask Officer, Colin, er, to pull over, scrounging through the change from yesterday to get something that is at least nice and still alive.

We get there and I feel like I'm gonna puke. I always told myself before it was such a bitch to get here by subway is why I never made it, but the truth is the knots in my stomach are making it damned near impossible to get out of the car. I know where it is and it seems every step closer the temperature is dropping five degrees.
Finally I'm there and it feels like I got punched in the stomach ten times, I just sink to eye level with the 1986-2006 staring me in the face, cold stone confirming it. The only comfort is it says Joey not Joseph.
I burst into tears, wishing the ground beneath would become quicksand, give way, let me sink into the earth and be next to him forever, never have to wake up alone, such a tiny marker all that there was money for yet it feels like the biggest skyscraper in the world about to topple over on me.
I will never get over this. Not in five years, not in ten, not ever, even if I make it another ten despite my best effort. I always knew it which is why there's space next to his marker for me, a destination I keep trying to get to and it always is just a bit too far for me to reach it seems.

I sense Colin nearby but even if I were embarrassed I couldn't stop crying. The man offers me a flask which I kill in one swig, drinking so fast there's not even time for it to burn on the way down.

For twenty two, I've seen these cold stones where people I loved and lived with used to be too much.

all that is left to say.

2010-02-06T11:28:00.001-05:00

(i had a dream)
you and me
sitting there in the chaos and screams
eating chicken wings while the world ended
all those years together
and all we could think to say to each other
was how it was a shame they were out of the good ones
the hot ones

and waiting for the jellyfish to dine on our minds
hoping to join the ranks that could not see the rising waters
could not smell the sewers choked with rotting corpses

this must indeed be death's dream kingdom
just for the dead
the veil of night masks it
in the illusion of glories we never had in life

as our dessicated bodies float
souls escape the supermax prisons of life

the boy we wanted to talk to that time
but never did
listening to our minds and our minders
'he's not good enough for you'
'not a good sort of boy for you'
'faggot'
so instead we kept quiet
we never had a real chance at happiness after that
at least not the kind we could have had

the friends we never quite fit in with
misguided by advice handed down to us as law
and too afraid to be ourselves
and too afraid of rejection
until the time came we finally got up the nerve to break the law
and found the friends
by then of course too old to fit in
too old to grow old with the kids we could have been friends with for life
instead on the sidelines once again
just a taste of what that moment would have been like
if just once as a kid we'd said 'fuck off' instead of 'yes mum'
it could have all gone different

and you, how this ever happened
just the biggest symbol of my fucking failure
how the fuck this ever fucking happened
i hate myself for meeting you, even worse for telling myself i loved you
munching on your chicken wing with that stupid blank stare
i just want to smash your face in
or at least shake you
say 'wake the fuck up man'
but i don't really care about you or if you stay stupid
besides it's not your fault
it's all my fault

not much point in excuses when buildings crumble
into shit-stained putrefying water
i wasn't too young, i was just stupid
i listened to too many people whom i was told to trust
i never should have
so i lost my freedom tangled in their barbed-wire chains of 'middle-class standards'
tearing myself to bits in the one fatalistic act of transgression, rebellion
that lead my shattered vulnerable drowning self to you
shivering and desperate to be warm and not alone

i can't say you took advantage
i forced your hand that day
bent your empathy to make you take care of me
when really i should have been a better person
and let myself get sucked under without a fight
but like most drowning victims it was only a matter of time and panic
before i tried to take down my unwilling rescuer with me
and as it would be forever from there
i mostly failed at that also

suffering for years until like squid ink black and cold
hate replaced whatever that feeling we called love was
choking out the sun
the world was a barren snow

then it ended, finally at last for real, the glaciers breaking free
seemed such relief for that short time
until til i realized the inevitable truth
until the waters rose and drowned the world.

haunted - 11

2010-02-05T20:25:00.000-05:00

I greet his wife and she manages a whisper of a smile.
'Trey's clothes fit you?' she asks, and I'm uneasy cos I know too much about death. Even when people die, people you care about, it's nearly impossible if not totally impossible to ever think about them in past tense.
'Yes'm,' I say and thank her and I realize I'm starving cos it's been years since I've seen this much food, even longer since I had a home-cooked meal, cos of all the things I loved about Joey he was a disaster in the kitchen. He tried but it always ended up with take-out or delivery or sometimes fire trucks.
She's a damn good cook, too, almost as good as moms was, and I guess Officer figures it's okay to let me drink some wine. That takes some getting use to, cos I've never really had wine, this is red wine and it's a little sour but fuck it's free alcohol and pretty good. The roast she made is so tender and juicy and there's potatoes and onions on it, and then for dessert there's a damned good apple pie packed with cinnamon and sugar.
She starts to get up to clear the table but I insist on doing it and the dishes, it's the least I can do after being fed well like that. I hear them talking but not what they're saying, and after I'm done I wander out, drying my hands discreetly on the T-shirt out of habit.

Officer takes me into his library or study or whatever it is, a big old room with worn wood bookshelves and lots of books, and I talk him into more scotch.
'I need to warn the store to stock more,' he laughs.
He's got a lot of old books, lots of history books it seems about World War II, I'm not surprised to see he's got a lot of detective and mystery books and stuff.
He's quiet, I notice he's put on some sort of classical music and has his glasses on reading something.
'Whatcha reading?' I ask, feeling a little uncomfortable, like I fell into Sherlock Holmes' study or something.
'Just reports. It's my job, it never ends,' he says, laughing and taking the glasses off. 'Sit.'
I find a leather chair so big it almost swallows me whole, clumsily struggling to get comfortable, which makes him laugh.
'You know, I discussed it with Maddy,' he says, and I guess that's his wife.
'Huh?'
'We'd like to offer you Trey's room, help you get your life back together, if you want.'
That just hangs in the air like a cloud of poison gas, I mean, I figured that was what they were gonna say but hearing it out loud well I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, what's left to get together, there isn't a day where I don't wake up shivering and the first thought is always what it was like to wake up next to Joey, how nice that was, and the second thought is like fuck my life and wishing I'd just never wake up again.
I don't know what to say so I ask if it's okay for me to think about it and stay at least tonight, maybe tomorrow.
'Take your time,' he says. 'I understand how you must feel.'
Which does make me hesitate cos I know he prolly does understand some of how I feel and he's been good to me from the day a few years back where he stopped me from getting mugged by some thugs.
'Can you take me somewhere tomorrow?' I ask him and he says sure, where, but I don't think there's any way he doesn't know. Which is confirmed cos he just nods after a minute. He says he's tired and tells me where Trey's room is, to make myself comfortable and try not to drink all his scotch before I go to sleep.

I'm lying awake in Trey's bed staring at the band posters that cover most every wall. Most of them are bands I like, too, I think if I'd ever known Trey in life we prolly would've had stuff in common and maybe been friends. There's a bunch of photos around of him which is a bit weird feeling and I notice he never seems to be really smiling, a few he looks like he's trying but it never quite seems like the kid behind the smile is actually happy. I wonder what his life was like, wonder if he ever had good friends or found someone to love, wonder if his death was just a mistake or it was his way out of all the pain.

haunted - 10

2010-02-04T20:35:00.000-05:00

I'm holding this razor and staring at Officer's bathroom before I notice he uses the same toothpaste and shampoo Joey did. Three years on and I just go through motions like without even thinking or trying. People pass me on the street but it's like they're not really even there, like I'm on another planet with a poisonous atmosphere.
I don't really know how to shave with this thing and it's getting more and tempting to just bury it in my arm, feel it slice through, feel the blood leave and hope that Joey is waiting there for me. I've lost so much that I can never get back, I will never be able to love someone again. Everyone I care about is dead. I don't even care about myself anymore.
I'm mad at my body because no matter how much I've abused it, poisoned it with cheap vodka and cigarettes, frozen it solid with brutal winters in an unheated abandoned apartment and icy baths only once in a great while, denied it any comforts, starved it of nutrition by only feeding it grease and junk food, no matter what even after all of that it won't just give out on me and let me rest.
It's still chilly in here so I find a towel and at least wrap it around me while I start the bath. While I'm waiting I look at my reflection, now in the flash of the silver blade.
'You okay?' says a voice behind me which scares the fuck out of me. I'm wondering if he noticed my fascination with the opportunity to end it quickly right here in my hands.
'Just waiting on the tub,' I lie.
Sometimes when I catch my reflection I see Joey in it, next to me. All I have left of us is that photo and a T-shirt of his I managed to rescue that smells of him.
Officer's got some fresh clothes, I guess Trey was never much of a cheerful kid in life cos everything is black. That fits my mood. It will forever.
'Do you want me to show you how to shave with that?' asks Officer, and he's probably trying to read my mind as to why I keep hanging onto the blade and hoping there's a nice 'normal' reason I am.
If I'm gonna end myself it wouldn't be fair to do it here, not to them, especially not after Trey. So I lie and say yes but first I drain the scotch which is actually not bad, though he's rather shocked when I ask for more. He comes back with a bigger plastic cup and I pace myself a bit. The shit I drink whenever I afford to buy it must be watered down, cos this is going to my head in a pleasant warm way but fast as fuck.
He shows me the shaving cream, which I get most everywhere but where it's supposed to be, and is carefully guiding my hand with the blade, I don't have a beard, just scrubbiness, so it only takes a few minutes. Then he gets me to use the aftershave, which fuck that hurts like hell.
Tub is full so I just drop the towel and climb in with no shame and fuck it's so nice and warm and with the scotch that is the warmest I've felt in so long. I close my eyes and just kinda wanna relax but I know Officer has always looked out for me and now he wants to know how someone so young in his eyes ended up so totally fucked up. I can see the concern in his eyes like wanting me to talk but not wanting to press.
I start to lie by habit, but fuck I think I owe him the truth or at least most of it which just tumbles out end over end like a dagger in a bad ninja movie and I realize at the end actually has tears in his eyes, which makes me feel bad cos sometimes I forget most people don't have so much shit in their lives go wrong so soon. Every day for me is prolly worse than most of all the bad things in his life.
Then he just says he's gonna go finish setting the table, dinner will be ready in a few, and I'm left there with my thoughts. Times like this where I'm alone and the only sounds are the distant horns of cars in snow and the bright sound I'm not used to of forks and plates being arranged, these are the times I just close my eyes and talk to Joey in my head, always hoping to get an answer back. It makes my chest hurt to think about.
Finally I slip out of the tub, pop the drain open, kill the last few sips of my scotch and put on the clothes they left me. I check myself in the mirror and they fit pretty good, it's so strange to see myself in clean clothes like this. My eyes are bloodshot from silent tears. I collect myself as much as I can.

'I miss you, Joey,' I whisper to myself as I head out to find the table.

update 2009-03-02 - new projects in the early stages and more

2010-02-03T14:17:00.003-05:00

Hey all my wonderful readers :/ Just a quick post to update you on a new project I'm starting which is graphic T''s and hoodies based on my photographs and designed by me.
I'm planning to do a lot more photography as the weather improves (brrrrr) and incorporate these into custom designed, limited edition shirts. Not sure 100% yet how limited they will be -- maybe keep a design up for a few months or just sell a certain # of them. I've launched the beginnings of a store @ afk4life.spreadshirt.com featuring three designs.

The T's are all American Apparel so very high quality and there's also hoodies avail for all of them. It's a challenging project but I'm very excited about it. At left is a peek at the first series of designs just launched yesterday.

Other things I'm working on are the layout of this blog to make it cleaner. I was getting real sick of the standard squishy layout that blogger adds by default so I widened it more modern standards. I think that will also help with readability of the posts -- a lot less scrolling. And I made ImagesNGhosts (my photoblog) consistent also. I've also changed out the biography to make it a bit clearer.

I'm also going to be adding more poetry and (probably in conjunction with new graphics for the T's) more graphic/photographic projects. On the photoblog over the next few weeks I'll be linking the photos to my deviantArt page so if anyone wants to, they can get prints (biiiig ones are possible lol).

Also, I'll be adding a few more things. I'm planning on doing videos for my Youtube if my computer will cooperate (it hasn't before, but I got a faster disk back in December).

Hope everyone enjoys my new projects.. I'm trying to focus most of my energy on my art this year because it's something I feel is the most important thing to me, so if you feel like donating so I can do this, please just scroll on the sidebar @ right, there's a link there. There's also links to my other project pages.

Thanks again for your comments, support, and contributions!
-doug

haunted - 9

2010-02-02T23:16:00.000-05:00

December 13, 2006

He made me a birthday cake. Chocolate-chocolate after a huge pie from Jimmy's - awesome. And we've got a lot in the jar, almost enough to break out of here and go north, maybe in just a couple of months. We're going over this real estate magazine now trying to find a cheap house, so far it seems easier in Vermont or Maine, there's a real cute place in Jay, Vermont we like, it's all rustic and shit and close to a ski resort which is cool cos Joey could get work there, he can ski and play golf.

'I wanna make it so you never have to work again,' he says. He smiles and tussles my hair before giving me a soft kiss.

And in Vermont we can get a partnership now so I say sure let's do a downpayment on it tomorrow. He smiles and brushes my hair again.

'I'm gonna give you a haircut tomorrow.'
'I like it long.'
'Not short, just clean it up a bit, you know?'
'Okay' I laugh and then he's made a bath for me and fuck I just close my eyes cos he's washing my hair and giving me a massage and then oh shit his hands get down there and I'm so done cos he can get me off way faster than I can get myself off. I cum so hard it gets him in the face and he licks off what he can.
'I can't wait to get married to you for real,' he says, splashing water on his face to get the rest off. 'Hmmm....I think maybe I need to wash your hair again, you made a mess,' with that sweet smile.
He laughs his gentle laugh and strips and fuck I just roll onto my stomach and I hope this never fades cos I love when he fucks me so slow it has me cumming for the whole time without even trying.

I light a cig off the stove and trip over something which sends the kitchen flying, cereal everywhere. I'm trying to clean up the mess when he shakes the cig pack and it's empty so he pulls me up.
'Let's go grab cigs and Chinese.'
I stare at the Cheetos and Pop-Tarts and Ramen all over the floor for a minute before I'm like 'okay' cos spicy orange chicken sounds awesome atm.

'I have confession,' he says. 'I called the bank and we're cool if we drop a deposit by at their Manhattan branch tomorrow,' he says, turning around as we walk down the street way too underdressed for this cold. But I'm starving and so excited now.
'You mean-'
'It's ours then. Our own house.'
'Really?'
'Ya, I mean it's gonna be a bitch to get there but once it's done I think Theo will get us the driver again, I'm doing tech shit that I can do from anywhere so he's got nothing to lose.'

He smiles and just steps onto the street.
I'm like six feet from him and I just can't stop thinking about how awesome it's gonna be, our first night in our own house.
Bus.
Brakes and squealing rubber.
Blood.
Hospital.
Doctor telling me.
Stumble home.
Buy vodka and cry a lot cos everything my life was gone. It's over.
Home though doesn't feel like anymore.
Why fire engines.
Whole place up in flames.
Fuck I forgot I left the stove on, didn't even notice when I came back, I was so destroyed.

All I will ever have in this world is the crumpled photo of me and him stuffed in my jeans pocket. I just want to die.

haunted - 8

2010-02-01T23:11:00.002-05:00

October

I only have those letters as scraps, carefully concealed in the most public place that no one will ever think to look. This is where my memory begins, and I think by now you know why I'm never some kid from southeast Indy, no, I'm always from someplace too far away for anyone to bother to check out, sometimes Houston, sometimes Oregon or Seattle or Miami or Charleston.

I took his offer and those guys were scary motherfuckers but they were also smart and I got a system that seemed like magic to them but for me it wasn't much at all, in the end they were just shocked I made them like $50k in two weeks and they gave me, us, $5k. I stuck it in my jar because neither of us can really open a bank account. Not til we're eighteen which is a year and nine days for me and nine months for him. And even then there's gonna be lots of questions so idk if we will. I just wanna make enough so we can pay cash on a decent car and buy us a house someplace way up north like Vermont or New Hampshire or Maine where no one is gonna find us and we can do our thing there. I hate Brooklyn, it's so fucking big and dirty and this just makes me more impatient.

I miss moms so much. It's every night in my dreams and I wish I had more than Joey's diary to remind me of what I did to Paul, I wish I remembered it for real, I wish I could do it again and again only slower so he got even a fraction of the pain he's caused me and us.

It's snowing a bit just flurries but I love October cos that's Halloween month not like decorations and stupid shit just all the stuff bout ghosts yanno. And Joey got back home this Friday and he had a surprise for me that's well just the best surprise.

'They'll be here in two hours,' he says.
'Who?'
'It's a surprise. Dress warm and let's get a pizza in the meantime.'
And that's a big splurge but fuck we order from Jimmy's which is just awesome pizza dripping cheese and overflowing with pepperoni and mushrooms and hot peppers and he even got beer delivered, shit three beers will knock me over. For some reason he got a case but I don't ask. He's enjoying the beer with his pizza which ugh I can't drink beer with anything but a burger so I suck down my Coke Zero and fuck this pizza is like a melting orgasm it's so good.

I don't know how we managed to kill the whole eighteen inch pizza but well if you've ever had Jimmy's you'd know. Even if you're full there's no way to stop and at the end you still want more. I've eaten it several times and I could easily go til I puke it's just that good.
There's a horn and Joey collects the beer and I stuff all kinds of warm things including our blanket into the bag with flashlights and he tells me to grab the old Coleman we bought used at some sad sale off Myrtle and I'm curious what he has planned.

There's a giant black limo waiting there and I stop for a minute before I realize this is our ride and jump in and I'm almost knocked unconscious by the biggest thing of flowers I've ever seen with a card that says 'happy fourth anniversary I love you but really its more like our seventeenth isn't it?'

I've never been in a limo to start and now this and the car is moving and I can't stop crying cos I know he works for a party company but this just means so much even if it's way too much.

'Do you like it?' he asks and I say yes but the lights of New York are fading fast and it seems like forever before the limo stops and the driver exchanges words with Joey about picking us up I guess though I'm just staring at where we are and it's the spookiest fucking place I've ever seen. It looks like some sort of abandoned castle before I see the crumbling sign that says 'Penitentiary' and some guard guy is unlocking a gate for us.

This place has got be the scariest I've been. The guard leads us someplace and we get set up and the Coleman lit. The guard is long gone and fuck if I were here alone I'd be going insane cos I keep hearing shit when I know it's just me and him here, like bars rattling and I even think a voice in the distance.

There's a loud pop which almost sends me flying before I realize the sneaky bastard has champagne. I drink a lot cos well it's one thing to watch ghosts on TV but now I feel like they're really all around me.

'Do you wanna walk around?' he says and I know he's got some plan just not sure what it is so I say okay even though I just want a very soundproof blanket to hide under til dawn with him next to me.

After all he's given up and done for me I would follow him into lava. But fuck this place is just so creepy the flashlight is barely flickering off the crumbling walls and rusting bars of open cells. I don't get the feeling a lot of people escaped from here even in death.

There's a sign that says 'Infirmary' and Joey says let's go in. Even though this place must be shut like thirty years it still smells of antiseptic and death. Joey gets me to lie on the stainless steel bed and it's just so fucked up that it's turning me on which is even more fucked up cos now he's undoing my jeans just enough and his are totally off and he jumps on me. I close my eyes and this is kinda hard to explain cos when I fuck him it's like...I don't even know. It's just like the whole world gets perfect at once and ya it's cold as fuck in here but I'm warm inside here and I feel like ghosts are watching us so I only let him ride me a bit before I flip him over and ya it's totally dark now cos I killed the flashlight so it's just us and the darkness and the ghosts. Fuck I never thought anything could get me so horny at the same time so scared shitless, and I have to slow down cos it's so awesome I came a bit before I thought but I keep it going just stare at the falling snow through the rusty bars of the small square window above us.

In the back of my mind is this creeping question of wondering how many bad men died on this very guerney.

I try to slow down, but it doesn't work so good. I cum and cum like thirty minutes in and I try to roll over, totally forgetting how small this metal slab was and almost feel like I was back to the big bed I had as a sixteen year old kid the first time we did it, totally forgetting this is the first time he's wanted me to fuck him or let me, the first time I really wanted to cos it always felt much safer the other way around for me.

He pulls on his jeans and zips me up and now he's dragging me somewhere else and not even using the flashlight now I'm so fucking creeped I keep hearing shit and spinning around expecting to be staring at something I don't want to see. Then he pushes a door open and wow if I thought ghosts of murderers and rapists were scary this is much more. It's a chapel and before I know it he's down on one knee.

'Will you marry me?' he asks and I'm like well isn't that obvious of course. Something crashes just after I say 'I do' and that's enough for both of us, we're running back to the relative safety of our base camp, just hoping nothing is chasing us.

Later we cuddle up naked and I can't sleep cos I keep hearing shit that sounds way too close for comfort, footsteps, whispers, clanging, and there's shadows running around sometimes I swear I feel something icy drift over out bodies which makes every hair stand up. My boyfriend, my best friend ever too, just proposed to me in the absolute scariest place I've ever been..

Of course I said yes cos that means Joey gets me better than anyone ever will, cos that's the most romantic thing I could ever imagine anyone doing.

dark side of empire - [poem] 4/4

2010-01-31T23:12:00.000-05:00

trust

new strangers found my home
a place they wanted to help
a town they wanted to call home

but you proved more insidious

these strangers i welcomed
spoke dark whispers
beneath a gentle false breath of kindness

gladly their cash flows into my town
but that debt cost more in the end
than it could ever be worth
a price too high

and now i recognize the face
your face
once a friend, a partner
now an enemy
i still have trouble believing it

sitting alone underneath a frozen moon
tears freezing in place

only two possibilities now
civil war
or occupation

dark side of empire - [poem] 3/4

2010-01-30T11:56:00.002-05:00

aftermath

your armies ate all our food
smashed our pitiful cities to bits
made off with the little treasure we had

broken to pieces
never to be rebuilt
but free from occupation

the only reminder
a smoking ruin
where once your palaces stood
shattered signs of your invaders
crushed into splinters
abandoned barracks collapsing on themselves

but free from occupation
and for a time there the children of conquest
crawled out into the parched streets and played
and slowly the blood got absorbed by the earth
once again

water was scarce and food even more
still we ate and drank in joy
my soldiers are their heroes now
I am a hero now

dark side of empire - [poem] 2/4

2010-01-29T07:43:00.002-05:00

uprising

sticks and spears against rifles
crushed bones crackling underfoot with every step
a quiet war at first
then your palace
your reichstag
my rebels burned it

dusty streets awash in blood and pain
mortars sailing into the houses of innocents
the naked children hiding in terror in the crushed rubble
choking on asbestos clouds
screaming for the long-dead people they thought
could always protect them
clawing in the dark
ripping their fingernails off to escape
the noise and death and pain

all of us dying in numbers
those numbers and the resolve my only hope
i killed your generals one by one
until you lost your taste for this fight
and retreated

dark side of empire - [poem] part 1

2010-01-28T01:21:00.000-05:00

colonized

i became your colony
persuaded then invaded
my soldiers put down their weapons for you

the promises
end my poverty
protect me, protect us

all impressive
but just a lie
by that time your occupation
was complete

and nothing changed for me
except for the worse
dusty streets became a steaming sewer
naked children stumbling around in a starved daze
ribs poking through shriveled skin
while your generals appropriated what food there was
dining on steaks and bordeaux
just a mile away behind a fortress
built on your lies to me

silently I seethed for years
until at last...

haunted - 7

2010-01-27T23:29:00.000-05:00

September 15

from Rhys-
Fuck. You really confused me for a bit there Joey cos I sat up and felt awake for the first time in forever, knocked over my ID and it said I was 18. How we got here I don't know for sure but I know you saved me. I cry for a bit and it's chilly here so I pull you close. If Paul never had existed none of this would've been necessary. I keep thinking about mornings with me and you and mom and french toast with powdered sugar and her twenty cups of coffee and lots of laughs maybe even picnics or that trip to the Jersey shore we talked about in those last days that went by too quick. I met you first and I don't know if you remember but it was my sixteenth birthday and I just knew but I really didn't, every night until you saved me from more than just slipping on black ice I've thought of you. You look so beautiful through the moonlight I don't even know exactly how I got here but...
I undo your jeans just enough, being soft so not to wake you. I suck on it a bit to get you hard and now it's hard so I get it a bit wetter before I slip it in, guess I wasn't subtle cos you gasp and fuck it's in me now and this feels so incredible like I'm alive again. I let you roll me over and push more and you're pushing my legs back so far but I wish you could go even deeper, even tho it hurts it feels amazing and fuck now you're kissing me and I wish I'd been there so you hadn't had to do this all alone but now I'm back and we'll get shit together and make our lives perfect fuck I love you so much. Don't cum fast, take all night and all day if you want cos there's nothing gonna feel this good ever.
Love
Rhys

haunted - 6

2010-01-26T23:14:00.000-05:00

Labor Day

Joey's Diary:
You really have come out of your shell here. I hope you don't mind but I bought us fake ID's with some of the money from the jar I found in your room and now I got a job and we can get our own place off the books pretty soon.
It's not a great neighborhood but it's our own place now. I gotta wake you up a bit because I met some guys looking for a math genius, well it's a little sketchy but you told me the poker story and it's huge money. We can forget the past and make a future. I'ma go get us some slices, your favorite, pepperoni and mushroom, I guess maybe I can buy us some alcohol and cigs from the Arabs cos they don't care or card. I'm so scared you're gonna come out of it and be pissed but I've only done all this to keep us together and safe. I can't imagine life without you in it and that's for sure true, I mean say the word and we go back to XXXXXX and own up to it all. I love you and that's all that matters, I could die today and be happy knowing I've met the one person in the world, in history, who made my life perfect and terrible at once, which I guess is what love means.
-Joey

haunted - 5

2010-01-25T23:32:00.003-05:00

August

Joey's Diary:
Summer is starting to fade. I don't really recognize you anymore as Rhys, the innocent boy I fell for that day, but that's fine cuz I still love you and I always will. They'll never find us, you like I did us up. And I'm safe because my dad will never call the police, it might embarrass him in the press. But he's probably got a PI looking for me by now so we can't stay long. It's taken some getting used to that you depend on me so much for everything but that's fine with me because I know we're supposed to be together, I don't even need to have sex to know that because when I hold you at night you shiver and cry until I squeeze you tighter and you fall asleep. Tonight we snuck into the cemetery and you put flowers on your mom's grave and I know you know that means goodbye forever to her and to here but don't worry my love because you should and I think you do know I will always be here for you to take care of you. I got us bus tickets for New York tomorrow which I didn't tell you yet, but I know you'll trust me like you should, there's things I haven't told you like your picture has been on the front page for weeks. But I did you up good with black spiked hair and eyeliner so no one will recognize you. (And ya it's really cute to see you in this new bad boy image even tbh)...we can stay at my uncle's place and be safe until we get a place of our own. This all happened why sooner but I'm so sure about us....

I love you
Joey

haunted - 4

2010-01-22T19:56:00.001-05:00

It was like three or four days before I let him try and it hurt like hell for a bit but then it felt good, really good, even as clumsy as it was. A small pile of messed up rubbers before finally it worked and I just closed my eyes cos it took me to such a nice place like I never thought I could feel this good like floating.
And now I'm making him take baths and showers with me like three times a day and fuck.
I have fallen for him so much.
I want to spend forever with him and live someplace far away where there's palm trees and beaches and wake up in his arms forever, away from Paul, though I hate that meathead is in the picture cos I can't stand the thought of not being able to see moms everyday.

Something wakes me up. I look at my cel phone. It's fucking three, why in hell am I awake.
Joey wakes up.
'What is it?' he asks sleepily.
'I don't know,' I whisper. 'Something is wrong'
Then I hear it through the door. Sounds like glass breaking and yelling.
'Fuck. It's Paul,' I say, pulling on my jeans and not even bothering with my boxers.
I stumble down the stairs and the kitchen is a mess, there's shit everywhere and then I see it, or rather I see her, moms is lying against a broken cabinet underneath the sink in some really fucked up impossible position and her face is all fucked up and covered in blood.
'Moms? Moms?'
But she isn't answering. I'm a kid who grew up on crime TV shows so it's like instinct to check her pulse and fuck there isn't one.
I dunno exactly what came over me next but this is how Joey described it to me later:

You stood up, stumbling a bit, not even noticing you were stepping on broken glass in your bare feet, slipping on your own blood on the floor. And that sick fuck Paul was just standing there mumbling and slurring to tell you to go back upstairs and he called you a fruit and before I could do anything you took one of those old wooden chairs and smashed it over his head. I guess he was really drunk cos he fell over. You hit him so hard most of the chair shattered except one of the legs was only half smashed and you slammed it right on his chest like damn Rhys I never knew you were so strong, it went right through him and I knew you'd just killed him cos all he did was spit up a shitload of blood and he tried to say something and you just twisted the chair that was in him before he screamed and his eyes just went open like nothing there. You went on like some weird autopilot there and it scared me cos you grabbed a towel and wiped off your prints on the chair and that's when I knew we had to just run so I went upstairs and stuffed a bunch of clothes and whatever else I could think of into our backpacks and found a sleeping bag you didn't know I'd seen. I came back down and you were just on the floor rocking back and forth so I picked you up and you hugged me so hard it almost squished me to death but then I was just let's get the fuck out, cos no matter what if we stayed I knew we'd be separated forever. I turned on a burner and knocked over his liquor and fuck that went up fast like the whole room suddenly so I pushed you out the door. You just turned and watched with this look on your face, so lost, and you won't let go of my hand. And that really broke my heart. I went to Rite-Aid and bought some bottles of water and food for us. I did your hair up underneath the bridge with dye and shit, and I think I did an okay job but mostly I just made sure you were held all night and I dried your tears for you. I hope I did the right thing but I can't think of losing you.

apologies

2010-01-22T11:47:00.002-05:00

time comes like an elastic
free at least but not in fact
and it snaps hard the sting of vodka and truth
stumble around the crumbling city
looking for something attractive to cling to
to fill the holes in me
to make up and let me forget
not regret anymore

Dark and desperate the sunset scrapes the landscape. It leaves only the cold glow of slushy snow and I kick it aside with my sneakers stumbling down the hill, stupid to be sure after the tab and stupider still cos I drank and drank but that's never gonna touch the acid and the streetlights bend over to smell me, recoiling cos I put too much cologne on.
I know I'm cold as fuck but I can't feel it, just threw on what I could find without falling over when I got this sudden loneliness well not so sudden cos I dropped it with my best friend and said way too much.
He got shocked a bit but it's my birthday and we're both so fucked up and blasting Neil Young so loud the RA banged on the door but I gave him vodka so he just hung out and chilled and didnt even say shit or react when you finally gave in and kissed me first lips then tongue and fuck that's actually pretty goddam cruel cos tbh you didn't really fight back when I pulled you on top of me and I guess you'll just write this off to 'I was fucked up' or whatev and it got to be too much cos suddenly the whole house is around and we're making out and the room just turns upside down right then cos you just get up and go without a word.
For a minute they're all so quiet and don't know what to do and then one by one they leave but Jamie stayed and stood like all nervous for a minute, straightest kid I ever met but he just stays and fuck I don't care just start crying and he's there just holds me for a bit and he's warm and smells like cheap aftershave and peach schnapps and I try to kiss him which works for a minute before he pushes me away and fuck then I'm all so fucking alone and so fucking wasted.
So stumble downtown maybe one of the dive bars I find someone who wants me, some old man who likes this or needs this or who's given up like me or maybe I get lucky and slip and fall in the river crash through the thin ice and prolly bang against the ice to try to escape before I drown or freeze.
But I'm already drowning and freezing so maybe not.
I find a bar and fall in love at first sight with this kid who's just so fucking cute but he's town and I'm uni so that's gonna be tough. But it seems okay cos he offers to buy me a drink and never been to a gay bar before so I'm shocked when he's making out with me but fuck he's just perfect, soft tender lips and beautiful green eyes with long blond hair and skinny as fuck.
It never goes well though cos I talk him into coming back to my place and I don't have the first fucking clue what to do beyond kissing and just clothes on even he gets on top of me and thrusting like crazy I cum in like two seconds.
He brushes my hair and I want him to stay but he doesn't want to.
'I'm not good for you,' he says and then he's gone.
And now I'm alone and crying again and there's another knock on the door and it's you again, I don't even say shit just open it. You brought vodka which is cool cos the acid is fading and I feel like shit just so fucking tired so I drink deep, not even talking just flop onto my bed with all my clothes on not sure what you want.
You close the door and I guess this is apologies and realities cos you just kick off your sneakers and crawl into bed next to me with all your clothes on. I know it's never going further but you let me hold you and I catch the sweet smell of Peachtree from you and snuggle tight while I brush your hair.
I wake up alone and hungover and cold.
You dropped out of school a week later without so much as a goodbye.

early sunsets...

2010-01-21T16:48:00.001-05:00

there's more of the series on my other blog images'n'ghosts >>

don't go.

2010-01-20T16:54:00.002-05:00

don't go
i say

but no choice
you were just a dream
reality lifts like freezing fog
revealing a landscape scraped
sheeted in black ice

leaving the blinding light of day
your riveting purple eyes fade from my soul
the easy smile the soft touch
it all felt so real
but it was
just a cruel false memory.

haunted - 3

2010-01-19T17:10:00.002-05:00

July 2005

I struggle home with the shit I cleaned outta my locker. I shoulda just chucked it all but I'm bad like that, I keep telling myself someday I'll wanna remember this. I got my best friend, I guess I'm brave enough to admit he's really my boyfriend now, in tow. He's nervous cos I told him I was gonna tell mom about us finally, hell it's been six months since I slipped on black ice and he caught me and something just happened between us.
'You sure bout this, Rhys?'
'Yeah, she'll be cool.'
And I make Joey blush by kissing him on the lips right out on the street.
'You got no shame,' he says but he brushes my hair out of my eyes and smiles.
And ya I did ask moms if it was okay if my friend Joey slept over I just kinda left a few details out. I just hope her new 'boyfriend' isn't there.
His name is Paul, he's as big as they say the guy Paul Bunyon was, like twice my height it seems, and he's never friendly to me.
I push open the door and at once that one is answered, the whole place stinks the sour stink of cigars and that nasty brown shit he drinks. I practically have to drag Joey in. The TV is blaring. I mean who the fuck watches someone play poker on TV?
Pretty obvious answer cos he challenged me to play him a few weeks back and I'd never played so he took a few impatient minutes to explain the rules and shit. Then he confidently plopped a crisp hundred down against my crumpled five dollar bill with a sadistic smirk.
I walked away from the game a hundred bucks richer and he has barely said two words to me since.
'Paul, this is my boyfriend Joey,' I say, and all that got was an 'Oh, hello, Joey' before he return to the TV and yelled at some guy for folding. I'm half tempted to ask him to play again, even more tempted to say I spent half of what I won off him on buying Joey flowers and a nice dinner. But he's back to ignoring me. Moms isn't home yet so I just take Joey up the creaking stairs to my room.
It's the first time he's ever been over here so I just tell him to make himself comfortable, and he does, he kicks off his Etnies and he's looking over all my posters and shit, curious. I flop on my bed, a big ass bed leftover from the days when we had money, watching him. It's cool cos it makes me feel he really does love me, he's looking through everything all interested and asking questions.
He picks up a photo from 1999.
'Who's this?' he says, cos it's pretty obvious the little nerdy kid in glasses with a fishing pole complete with a dangling fish and a big smile on his face is me, I look the same now, just shorter and I don't wear glasses anymore.
'That was dad,' I say.
'Did he die?'
'Might as well have.'
He nods and puts it back down. He's going through my coin collection and I know he collects them too. There's the occasional 'oh wow' or 'cool' but the funny part is even though they're not worth shit we both think the coolest thing is the 1943 steel pennies I got, one of them is even uncirculated. They just look so weird. There's the usual buffalo nickels and wheat pennies every kid has, and there's a couple of things in there that might actually be worth something someday.
Finally he finishes and comes and sits on the edge of the bed nervous-like, even more so when I ask him 'do you wanna try it?'
'Uhm....I guess,' he says and he lies down next to me. His eyes are so freaking blue. I start tentative, just put my lips on his, and well it wasn't graceful but eventually we figured it out and he tastes like Skittles and soda and wow no wonder they do this shit in movies, it's like me and him become one person.
'We're so going to hell,' he laughs into my mouth so I kiss him a bit harder and that's when the door opens.
Moms is a lot surprised and Joey tries to wriggle away in panic but I won't let him. After opening and closing her mouth like a fish on a summer sidewalk at red tide she collects herself enough to introduce herself and I'm kinda enjoying this cos they're both so unsure what to say so just stumbling out with the kind of conversation that might happen if she'd run into us at Taco Bell.
I laugh and they relax cos of that. She sits on the bed next to me.
'I guess I know why my kiddo has been so happy all this time,' she finally says. 'How'd you meet?'
Which is a stupid question I guess, I mean, what am I gonna say, we met in a bar? I start out with a boring version, but Joey's a creative kid so he makes it into this giant romantic thing which is just so cute and now moms looks like she's trying not to laugh. Grownups get silly about first loves all the time. Weird that.
'Hold on,' she says, 'that was a cute story, by the way, Joseph.'
'Please, ma'am, call me Joey. My dad is Joseph.'
Which I think she gets what that means, I met his dad once and he's a strict sonofabitch with no sense of humor who expects his mom to stay home and cook and clean and nothing else.
'All right, Joey. Hold on a second, boys.'
And she wanders out to the hall. Joey is about eight shades of red.
'She likes you,' I say.
'You think?'
'Ya. See, I told you she'd be cool.'
He snuggles against me and I love when he does that cos he's shorter than me, so I always catch the scent of Breck shampoo in his hair and everything else about his smell that makes me think about him. He doesn't know, I don't think, but I stole one of his T-shirts a few months back and curl up with it most nights just cos it makes me feel like he's with me and that makes me feel safe and sleep so good.
Then it's my turn to be embarrassed cos moms is back and she's acting hesitant for a minute before she hands me a box and says 'be safe' and then she's gone, closing the door behind her.
'What is it?' asks Joey.
'Uhm...I dunno,' I say, fumbling to open it which sends a bunch of square packages with some sort of white round things in them all over the place. There's some sort of instruction page so I open it and all I see is 'Unroll over the penis' before I sit upright so fast it almost knocks Joey off the bed. Fortunately I catch him and now he's laughing at me.
'They're rubbers, dude,' he says. 'I guess she is cool.'
He's still giggling a bit when he crawls through the window onto the balcony and this is the one thing I wish he didn't do, but I'm so in shock now I'm right out there next to him.
'Give me one,' I say.
'You? A cigarette?'
'Yeah.'
After about two minutes of choking I get why he likes them cos my heart calms down and this time its me burying my head into his neck. He surprises me cos he starts brushing my hair.
'You really are from this town, aren't you?' he says. I feel stupid cos well I guess all in all I've been a fairly sheltered kid, and this is the sort of community where the word 'condom' doesn't even come up in whispers.
Which is part of what I love about him, he's just done so much more and seen so much cos he grew up in Chicago and moved here like two years ago.
'Are you curious about it?' he asks, quiet-like.
'You mean like...stick your...in me?'
'Yeah.'
'Maybe. Doesn't that hurt?'
'I dunno, I've only seen it on cable before.'
It's just quiet time and that's okay with both of us cos I'm thinking about so much now and I'm a bit embarrassed. I mean I got a cigarette burning away my taste buds forever and every suck on it prolly is knocking six months off my life and he's talking about sex like it's chocolate pudding and my dick is getting hard from thinking about it cos, well yeah, I'm curious and if anyone was gonna do that to me well I want it to be him cos I trust him to be nice about it.
'How long can you stay?' I ask him. I dunno if I'm ready to try this right now but I really don't want him to go anywhere, we really can't sneak much time alone together like this where we can actually talk and cuddle.
'School's out. I can stay as long as you want so long as I let mom know, I'll tell her we're building a model plane or something.'
Which makes me laugh cos only Joey could turn something as big as my first time with sex, hell my first time being open about how I feel about someone and call it 'love' into building a model airplane and fuck this is so much what I love about him, he makes all the shit that seems so big and impossible seem easy.

He says he wants to take a bath and I say sure and I start it for him in my bathroom. He wanders in totally naked. He's making himself so tough to resist but I'm so shy it takes me a few minutes after he asks me to jump in with him before I get the courage up to strip off my clothes and let him see me naked.
'You're so cute,' he says. I just blush seeing as I think I lost the ability to speak.
I'm so freaking nervous but then he just turns me around so my back is against his chest and holds me. Which feels awesome. I close my eyes and just enjoy the feeling of being here like this with him.
'It's cool if you wanna take your time,' he says. 'You know I'm so in love with you, dontcha?'
And damn it was only a few hours ago before we'd even kissed for real but it's so nice in the warm water to feel him holding me that my mind is starting to get made up about lots of things.

We curl up naked under the blanket and I love his warmth next to me so much that I'm just crying quietly cos I'm so happy.

haunted - 2

2010-01-18T13:37:00.004-05:00

December 13, 2002

I pushed my glasses up my nose and clutched the piece of paper as if it were the Holy Grail. Sure it was Friday the 13th and to make it worse it was my thirteenth birthday. But I was a teenager now, and mom would be so proud of her nerdy, scrawny thirteen year old. She would be the one getting the gifts today.
'Hey, kiddo,' she said, clutching her coffee cup as if it were keeping her from tipping over. I remember feeling bad cos she looked so tired and I knew ever since dad left she'd been killing herself with two jobs and enough coffee to wipe out South America just to keep the both of us afloat.
'You look tired, moms,' I said, playing it cool.
'I'm beat. Too close to Christmas, no one tips me so good this time of year and they're all so da- darn rude.'
She tries to drink but the cup is empty and before she can move I made sure I got the coffeepot going again. She looks at me with a mix of guilt and confusion. See I was never much of a bouncy kid but I'm all over the place now. I know she feels guilty cos prolly all I got from her is a card with a little walking around money, but that's okay. I know she's trying her best. She doesn't know that my friend Danny is just a made-up kid, it's me trying to make up a bit by doing the newspaper route.
And Christmastime is special cos unlike all the other kids, the grownups on my route think I'm just the cutest thing so I get quite a bit in tips this time of year. I even got a box of Ms. O'Malley's cookies stashed, gingerbread, my favorite, and she's a sweet old lady who's so lonely she gives me an extra big tip so I'll take a few minutes to keep her company. I don't really like tea but I love her stories about meeting old movie stars. Her husband was killed in some war, some freak accident as far as I know, but to her and cos of that to me also, he was a hero. His old pictures are everywhere. Sometimes she has me come in and take care of the lawn or shovel the walk.
The coffee's done so I put the milk and a couple of sugarcubes in and give her the cup. She smiles tired like and takes a sip. She chokes.
'God you made that strong, Rhys.'
'Sorry.'
'No, it's good, I'm just used to the diner coffee. Where'd you learn to make it so strong?'
But we both know the answer to that and it's not someplace I wanna go so first I hand her the card I made from scrap paper.
I think it said something like 'Thanks for you're all you're doing, you're the best mom ever.'
And she starts crying which startles me but then she's smiling and I know she's crying happy tears so I just up the stakes and hand her the crumpled paper. It's a perfect report card.
She looks at me in surprise and then starts crying even harder so I go hug her.
'You're supposed to be the one getting a gift, kiddo,' she says.
'It's okay, moms.'
And she made me dinner, chicken and rice, just like I like it with a lot of pepper in it.

I didn't know it then, but it was the last good birthday I would have.

haunted - 1

2010-01-16T19:47:00.001-05:00

excitement.
the lady at the register rung up the pack of cigs wrong so I got them $4 cheaper. Fuck knows I need it these days as the snow comes through the elevated rail above, turning to muddy, sooty shit that melts on the dirty pavement. It's getting deep enough now I can feel it creeping through the ripped up bits of my six-year-old Converse, turning my socks from dirty gray to wet black. I stick a cigarette in my mouth and light it, protecting it from the wet shit better than anyone bothered to protect me. The jacket is too thin for thirty and I'm shivering, I must look like a drowned mouse cos some guy dressed in New York perfection with the long black wool coat and dark blue paisley scarf presses a twenty into my hand before I can react.
Cool. I can buy vodka and crawl into the abandoned walk-up with something to keep me warmer. All I have left in this world in a bunch of ragged, dirty clothes and a Coleman lantern but I gotta be careful about using that in the squat cos someone might see and call the cops. Homeless kids like me are an easy fun target for the NYPD, I'm used to it now and don't fight back anymore just hope they won't do to much damage to my skinny body. They know they could beat me to death and no one would come looking or wonder about me until someone got wind of the stench of decomposition. Three bucks for something that claims to be vodka, four bucks for a fried chicken sandwich, I gotta go slow on the sandwich cos that's more food than I've eaten in the past week combined.
There gets to be a point where the only thing left to say is 'fuck it' and I don't care if the cop is looking right at me when I take a swig right there. He just shakes his head. His name is Officer Waltham, he doesn't care that I did that but I know it hurts him that I'm rocketing down the rabbit hole. He's the only person who seems to care.
And it's fucking Christmas Eve I just realize. Another fucking year gone, another fucking year closer to the end, thankfully. This sandwich tastes so good I don't even notice when he's right beside me.
'Rhys,' he says, which scares me. 'You're a mess. When's the last time you ate?'
And I'm past lying, not that I really expect anyone to give a fuck so I just tell him prolly seven days if you don't coun't dumpster-dived leftovers and the occasional bag of Fritos.
'Jesus,' he says, and he puts a firm hand on my shoulder. 'Look at me.'
And even though I'm pretty sure he wouldn't hurt me it takes all my nerves to look him in the eye.
'Yes, sir?'
'It's Christmas Eve.'
''Doesn't really feel like it, sir.'
'My wife and I would like to give you a decent meal and let you take a bath. You can have some of Trey's clothes.'
Trey is, well was, their son, til he decided to try and get high from a can of compressed air which froze his lungs solid. That was a year ago from what Officer's told me and his wife, well I met her once, she seemed even more hollowed out than me, never broke a smile, barely spoke and stared into space most of the time.
My stomach growls at the thought and I'm spacing out a bit but get brought back to life quick when I realize I ran out of sandwich and bit myself.
'You sure it's okay?' I say in almost a whisper.
'For fuck's sake,' he says, and it's all I can do not to laugh, Officer Waltham's from England so he says weird shit all the time. 'Of course, Rhys.'
I feel so guilty for saying yes but I follow him to the browstone on Bushwick Ave. Like his wife, these places used to be big money from the old brewmasters of Brooklyn. Her ancestors had been among those, joined by such elite company as the man who discovered the North Pole whose house is now just a crumbling old wreck being pulled back into the earth by ivy tentacles, its cracked eyes staring blankly at the dirty remains of its neighbors.

I trudge up the crumbling concrete stairs and follow the man into the entry room.
'She's probably taking a nap,' he says, and I notice I'm tracking mud onto the floor so I kick off my sneakers, careful to avoid ripping them worse.
'I guess I'll take a bath?' I ask, trying not to shiver too much. This house isn't a lot warmer than it is outside.
'Sure, it's the second door on the left from the living room. I'll bring you some clothes, okay? Would you like a bourbon?'
'A big one.'
'Okay, make yourself at home. If you wanna leave your clothes I'll toss them in the wash for you.'
I shrug and just take them all off, which shocks him a bit but I'm around other people so rarely it didn't even strike me as strange. I just pad past him trying not to run cos now the thought of a hot bath sounds incredible.
I've never seen a bathroom this big and there's an old radiator here which works so I turn it up a bit and I'm just looking at myself in the mirror and fuck I kinda wish I hadn't cos I've gotten so skinny. And I realize how scruffy I look which is making me itch so I look in the medicine cabinet for something to shave with.
Officer is just as old fashioned as he seems cos he has this huge scary razor like something you see in a horror movie. My mind is suddenly drifting away from thoughts about shaving to other uses.
But you're prolly wondering by now just how things got this bad.

tainted - 27

2010-01-14T21:01:00.002-05:00

It's a shit weekend, it decides on Friday to pour in the middle of fucking February and there's construction going on cos the chef guy is trying to build a restaurant at the same time as he operates it, when the guy walks in. He's way underdressed for three degrees out and waving a laptop and typing shit.
'Can I help you?' I ask about the same time as the chef nearly knocks me over and shit is starting to spin. I don't think I've slept three hours in three days but Ri takes over and I'm just kinda on the edge of falling asleep before he tells me we got a good write-up in a New York City magazine as like one of the best family-friendly resorts in the East.
I'm just staring at the kids desperately trying to control their speed on the icy slope out back and feeling quite dizzy at the thought. We have more money now than we could possibly spend but both Seth and Ri are pushing to do more cos this could go big.
If this isn't big, I'm scared.

Not even two days later I'm half-asleep closing the store at the required time since we sell alcohol and I run into a beat-up Chevy Citation parked out front. It's packed full of shivering kids that are like seventeen so and I can smell the vodka from a foot away and it's fucking zero out so I bang on the window which wakes up the driver and he looks scared.

'Hey it's okay,' I say and he rolls down the window and I can tell he's pretty smashed.
'What are you doing?'
'We got no place to stay and we wanna board the woods here.'
'I don't have the insurance for that.'
'Dude, please...we'll waive that....we're just freezing.'
And, ya, they'll freeze to death cos it's supposed to go down to -20 tonight with a major snowstorm and fuck I know that every hotel within twenty-five miles is booked not to mention $260 a night or more so I just tell him to scooch over and tell Ri to follow me which gets a glare but fuck I'm not about to be responsible for five kids freezing to death in our parking lot.
It's gotten so thick now Ri has to use the 4x4 to push us up to the cabin cos the Chevy is just spinning and fuck the instant they're all inside with a fire they're piled all over the place, their wet clothes ripped off and huing up, we got soup into them to warm them up and they're all ripping clothes off and jumping in the shower like it was the holy grail.

'This isn't good,' whispers Ri, 'we've got like five kids between 17-19 piled out mostly naked on the floor that are drunk.'
'I'm not gonna let them freeze to death. Isn't that worse?'
Even in the cabin it's barely holding sixty now and fuck this he's right cos both bedrooms are below forty now and suddenly it's all of us throwing everything at the fire to keep the main room at sixty.

And I guess I should've figured. This could go badly.

tainted - 26

2010-01-10T13:47:00.002-05:00

We already figured out that certain customers knew about certain things Ri's granddad wasn't supposed to sell and how to judge. Labels on hidden wine I couldn't read, letters that stood up like spikes with dates going way way back.
But we never counted on the lady stumbling in like a walking icicle who had a jar of applesauce that...well...to be honest it's kinda like what I imagine getting fucked by both Ri and Seth at the same time would be. And she only wants a small cut, I make Ri up that a bit once I'm sure she can sell more. We get tons of tourists on the way to the ski resort up the road buying bad maple syrup for six times what we pay already.
'We gotta get a liquor license,' I say to him. Not like for anyone around here that will matter but there's nothing allowed to be displayed. 'And figure out some Vermont wine and shit, you know?'
And I never saw the actual check my dad gave him he shows it to me and holy fuck I suddenly want to go crazy, go all out and make our own little tourist trap.
'I wanna sell porn mags,' says Seth, a little too loud which makes me drop my soda.
I scramble to collect the poor soda before it's all gone but I gotta admit it's not a bad idea. We got like several dozen of the scary applesauce two days ago and it's down to almost nothing.
Fuck, this is supposed to be easy. The store was already doing serious profit but now we're way ahead of what I thought might be possible. Though we're both working like insane and lately we just get home, have a lot of vodka and crawl in bed together too tired to even do anything.
And too many ideas cos there's land here, too, the whole thing is built on an abandoned ski slope. Fuck, why would any family pay $90/person up the road if we could offer something decent for $20?

And I'm scared cos we're burning through cash almost as fast it comes in and it's just the three of us and a few kids who help out and we're swamped.

I never wanted this much attention to us and fuck if Seth doesn't insist on us flying the rainbow flag out front. None of this was planned and now the icicle lady is in every other day looking like she got run over by a truck but thankful and suddenly Seth's chef friend is here and fuck I can barely stand up but people are enjoying what we offer and he just drops the bomb.

'I want to open a second restaurant here.'

I don't remember what next cos I just open my mouth a few times, I mean, I know why, there's tons of kids using a bad tow-rope to ski up and down the old ski slope now and the inn down the road is constantly telling us they're full up.

It's like a waking dream. But how big can we get before we lose ourselves?

tainted - 25

2010-01-08T19:07:00.003-05:00

It's like so fucking early when I hear yelling and cursing out back and almost kill Ri trying to see what is going on by scrambling to the back window.
There's Seth jumping up and down holding his foot.
I start laughing my ass off which wakes Ri up, I'd totally forgotten about what Seth just found.

My dad, all pissed off, yelling at his dad at seven AM.
'Jesus, Dad, it's fucking Vermont?! What are you thinking?'
'I wanted a hot tub.'
'It's fucking Vermont.'
'So?'
And my old man just waving his arms with that dismissive attitude like this-is-another-one-of-dad's-stupid-ideas and wandering off. Grandpa yelling to us.
'Thomas, Riley, come in, I got it all heated up.'
And we're both wiping sleep out of our eyes realizing my dad is about to come back inside and freak we're both totally naked and in the same bed.
'Did you piss the bed?' asks Riley but I can hear footsteps and we both look at each other in panic and scramble into suits when Dad walks in thinking we were already up and changing into our boardshorts.
'Are you all fucking mad?' says my dad, not even wondering why we're both totally naked in the same room. 'Where's my goddam whiskey? It's forty out and I want an Irish Coffee...'
'Dude, wipe it up,' I whisper.
'It's piss!' hisses Riley.
'It's not freaking piss,' I whisper and he turns like five shades of red before realizing what I said and wiping the sheet as if it were radioactive and finally the evidence is gone and we're giggling quietly. I can't remember exactly but I remember him hugging me and how nice his naked chest felt against mine...I think I kissed him and I think it was a real kiss for a second there.
'For Chrissakes go keep your granddad company,' my dad yells and we stumble out with towels just in time to notice him making a coffee that's half whiskey.
And the hot tub is nice and warm though our feet are burning like shit. Granddad is half-asleep, just says something about someone besides him should enjoy it, he's so relaxed and totally doesn't notice when Riley slips his hand right down my shorts.
'Dude,' I whisper, 'careful.'
He leans in close and whispers in my ear and fuck I'm just glad I was sober enough last night to adjust the chalk mark on the Jameson cos it's all coming back and I feel a little bit guilty but feeling Riley float up against me is giving me a hard-on.
'Did we jerk off together last night?' he whispers.
'Each other.'
He giggles and looks around real quick and fuck granddad is asleep almost, eyes closed and Riley is squeezing my dick and suddenly he kisses me and I let him and fuck that was when I knew.
'You're gonna make me,' I whisper, 'stop.'
'Are you mad?'
'Nawwww....it was tons of fun...but dad will flip.'
'Again tonight?'
'Sure, if dad passes out again.'

Fear is damage, and people aren't like cars, can't just take us to the shop and fix it with an obscene repair bill.

I figure out how to get it going and theres a clank of long-dried up pipes, then all three of us are out there naked in the hot tub in twenty-six degree weather with snow drifting down and I jump right between them and pull them in close.

Fuck, this is just too nice for words.

tainted - 24

2010-01-07T14:29:00.002-05:00

I'm lying awake in our bed feeling guilty and a bit pissed at myself for feeling guilty cos everyone had fun. Since when did sex become so fucking complicated, I'm pretty much we're all in the endzone of the worst that could happen cos of it. I'm not even so worried about emotions I don't think cos at least for me I know it's like Ri and Seth are two pieces of myself that went missing or I never managed to find. I could no more live without either of them at this point than I could live without major body parts.
'What's wrong, sweety?' whispers Ri.
'I dunno, I mean. I feel guilty over that somewhat.'
'It was my idea in the first place...did you not enjoy it?'
'Of course I did. But am I supposed to?'
'I don't see why not. Not like it's gonna be every night or you and me won't always have time to ourselves....ah.'
'Ah what?'
'You're afraid I'm gonna leave you.'
And this is like one of those times I wish he couldn't read me so fucking good but thankfully he also knows my answer without me having to say it out loud.
He rolls over and reaches for something and for a flash I kinda hope it's the lube and he wants to fuck me so hard it hurts, but no such luck, it's just the Parliaments. He lights two at once and hands me one.
'I'm not, you know,' he says. 'But Seth is like family, too.'
Which implies things I really didn't need to get mid-drag so I cough.
'You know what I mean,' says Ri. 'I like Seth, a lot, you know, he's an awesome kid. And I know it probly messes you up a bit that I like to watch you with him, but I know you're still in love with him and I'm cool with that.'
'Now you're afraid I'm gonna leave you,' I say.
'No...I mean fuck, Ian, I'm sure about me and you.'
'I am too....but how does this work out?'
'You've never loved more than one person at once?'
And that makes me cough again cos to be honest until I met Ri and Seth, no, I really was pretty much trying to avoid loving even one person cos I knew I'd get hurt, suddenly I'm in love with two guys in very different ways.
Ri is like a slow perfect five-star dinner like I can go hours and hours with him....Seth is like a roller-coaster ride cos something about how intense he is just makes me go a little insane...and I guess most people in life would want one or the other but I love both things.
Just how many times have you had a five-star dinner at a fairground?

And that's just the sex part which is the simpler, cos to be honest I would love to curl up with either of them or both and cuddle and watch a good or even a bad movie or get drunk and do crazy stuff or make dinner or whatever. I love spending time with both, together, or alone even.

They both bring something into my life that is like...idk...vitamins or something I was born without, like both cure some defect inside of me.

I realize I just said all this out loud and burn myself with the cig which makes me drop it, a bit of hot ash flicking onto my dick which I didn't even realize is straight up hard as fuck and the scary part is that almost feels good.

'Hey, sweety...neither is asking you to choose, okay?' he says.
'If me and Seth do anything...I'd rather you be there and maybe if you feel like it join in?'
'If that's what you-'
'And you can do stuff with him, too, that's only fair-'
'Maybe in the future...I can see what you see in him, I just don't have a lot of urge to right now, but it's okay that you do. You just got too lucky to find two people you love and love you back. He does kiss real good,' he adds with a laugh.
'He's intense, like I said.'
'Maybe that's not so terrible, I mean there's gonna be times when one of us needs that, just like one of the times we might need your being so calm-'
'Me? Calm?
'Fuck, you don't see that? I was a nervous wreck with him in hospital and you just kept me so steady to where I could function and get shit done.'

I sure never saw that about myself, I woulda said more like Night of the Living Dead than calm, but it's awesome to hear him tell me that's how I make him feel.

'Ri?'
'Yeah?'
'Would you mind fucking the shit out of me for a while?'
Finally I got someone else mid-smoke cos he coughs.
'Okay, sure...you want it rough then?'
'Like I said.'

I suck in my breath cos fuck if he doesn't just slam it in and makes me beg for a while before he cums and I try to jerk myself off but be won't let me, flips me over and bites down soooo hard I almost yell but fuck if I don't cum so much it chokes him again.

'Wow,' he coughs, 'you liked that, huh,' with a laugh.
'Sometimes I just need that.'

And he's kissing me and I can still taste my cum on his breath and it hits me how quick all of this happened, not just me and Ri but Seth too and I'm just being impatient cos we're all still figuring each other out.

Which is pretty fucking cool when I think about it like that.

tainted - 23

2010-01-06T23:34:00.002-05:00

And it's a few nights later when Ri asks Seth and me if we want to fool around, of course while I'm mid-sip of some pretty good red wine we found in our store. I choke a bit and Ri laughs and he's like 'if you want to.'
I don't know if this is a test or what, if Ri thinks maybe he's not perfect for me after all, or maybe he's just interested, then he says he wants to watch us together so I guess he's just horny and interested and I'm curious now though not at all sure I'm prepared for this.
Seth gulps his wine and for a minute he's redder than the wine but then he slips his hand onto the crotch of my jeans, just lightly sliding his finger underneath where my balls are and fuck I get such a hard on I jump a bit cos his touch is so light and soft.
I close my eyes and let him do that for a few minutes before I push a finger into the button fly of his jeans and run it up and down his dick through them. Table jumps a bit and I open my eyes but it's only Ri putting away the leftovers and getting more wine for all of us. I'm about to fall out of the chair cos Seth is being so fucking light that I just catch glimpses of his touch that are sending me through the clouds.
I don't even realize for a minute he's got my jeans totally undone and his hands are so warm and soft. He leans in like he's gonna kiss me but instead runs his tongue over my ears and whispers 'is it okay with you if I fuck you some?' and fuck he better hurry cos I'm so off guard I'm dripping already.
He picks me up without warning and my jeans fall to the floor, my dick bouncing out like the fucking groundhog that warns if there's more winter or not.
'I'm prolly not gonna cum,' he whispers. 'I wanna make you tho' and is he paying attention cos I'm well almost there or does he think that's dish soap all over his hand?
He sits down on the couch and slides me onto him so slow and never like he usually was, just gentle and tender which makes me gasp.
I open my eyes just enough to see Ri is right there, too, and I've just lost all control of things I guess cos I pull him to me and start sucking him. This is going so fast and I know I'm gonna shoot in like two seconds so I pull Ri down on to me just in time and I'm not gonna let either of them get away with it being just me, but that's almost as quick cos I hear Seth gasp at almost the same time I feel Ri cum all over my hand and legs and for a minute we're all just quiet before Seth slips out a lot less gentle than he went in and slips me into Ri's hug.
I don't even know what to think cos Ri is being as affectionate to me as ever if not maybe more so and Seth stands up, finds a dirty sock to wipe up a bit, kisses us both on the lips and Ri even a bit more than me, lying on top of me and squishing me a bit which is getting me horny all over again cos I can tell they're making out. I just close my eyes and listen.
He doesn't try to go much further, just strokes my hard-on some while him and Ri make out and I'm just thinking this is one more addiction.
'That was fun,' says Ri.
'Yeah...if you guys wanna do that from time to time-'
'I'd be into it if you guys are,' I whisper and fuck if Seth doesn't giggle a bit and go all the way down on me for a minute before he wanders off to bed.
And he got me way close and before I know it Ri is jerking me fast til I just cum again.
My fucking dick is gonna fall off.

And what does 'from time to time' mean?

Not just like....how often does that mean but what does it mean for all of us?

tainted - 22

2010-01-04T23:57:00.002-05:00

This is the most awkward brunch ever. First off, dad is popping martinis like water which I'm just trying to stick to screwdrivers while Ri sips ginger ale and Seth, well, he's gotten way better at taking care of himself I guess cos he knows we care, he's gone through like six glasses of juice before anyone really speaks much.
No one's touched food yet so I finally force myself to stuff some scrambled eggs and bacon in my mouth and wondering how Seth scored this chef cos the food is perfect, I mean I always hate brunch cos they tend to fuck up the food. So I try the french toast, shoving strawberries off it cos that's just well yuck, and it's good too and suddenly I'm eating like someone who hasn't eaten in days which makes everyone self-conscious so they start eating too.
'So you got married?' asks dad, which idk what it is about me that makes people say shocking shit when I'm halfway into a bite or a drink so I choke on the french toast before I just say ya, I love Riley and I can't really stop myself cos I say I always have.
'You're happy together?' he asks, all quiet, like I've never seen dad act quite this defeated or maybe it's just regrets. Not sure if he regrets what he did or regrets Ri and me found each other despite it.
'Yeah,' I say, 'these are the two best friends I ever had in the world, and I love Ri.'
And fuck that's when the old man just starts crying which makes me drop my fork cos I don't think I ever saw him cry in my life except when someone keyed his 67 Mustang GT.

It takes him a minute to collect himself and a martini and he surprises me by grabbing my hand which makes me jump but then he grabs Ri's too and that's way more shocking cos he just says 'I screwed up. I'm sorry. I only didn't want you to get hurt.'
'Ri would never hurt me,' I say, 'how can you think that.'
'I wasn't talking about Riley,' he says and fuck this is kinda embarrassing cos he's crying. 'I was just trying to protect you.'
'From what? Being in love?' cos now I'm getting pissed.
'Mr. Curt,' says Ri without me provoking anything, "I would never hurt Ian.'

Awkward silence and drinks all around and Ri kinda glares at me cos I'm sucking down the fresh-squeezed screwdrivers too fast and I already got yelled at for drinking too much this morning by him.
But shit while I may be bad, dad has knocked back like six martinis and I'm just glad his are gin not vodka cos the hotel might run out.
'I never meant to hurt you,' he says. 'I...I...'

But words just don't work and it just goes to crunchy bacon that sounds like gunshots cos it feels like so much at once I can't fucking put my emotions together.
'You hated your mother, and I don't blame you,' dad finally says through a forkful of scrambled eggs, looking down. 'It wasn't always like you saw it...I loved her once, Thomas, Ian now I guess you call yourself, I did, but it just got all messed up and you paid the price. I'm so goddam sorry. I put all my...all the things I never managed to do, I put them onto you.'
I can't speak and there's a restaurant full of people and I can't help I just start crying and Ri and Seth both just hug me, dad looks shocked a bit I guess but I pretty much got back my ability to have emotions on my first night with Seth. And fuck everyone is staring at us but I don't care. Dad's eyes are bloodshot from crying I guess and he knows he can't make it up, knows he can't fix it, maybe someday at best he hopes I can forgive him.

'This is for you guys. I wish we, I could have done more, but the stock market did us in,' he says and I catch a glimpse of him handing an envelope to Ri and all I wanna do is throw my glass at dad to make him feel some of the pain he put me through but before I can even get there it's just goodbye and he's gone and fuck I don't know anymore, we got comped one big fucking room with two bedrooms that I never got to show dad that and Ri and Seth help me up. Seth tries to crash in the second room but I just pull them into the one bed it's not even about sex I just want them both here under the covers with me.

Somehow it just happens that Seth and me kiss, don't even know who moved first. But Ri doesn't freak even when we are really making out. I thought this whole thing, this meeting, would make me feel wanted by someone else besides them but it did just opposite. Seth lets me make out with him but won't go further which I really wanted from both of them, fuck just tie me down and both of them take turns at me. Make me feel less like I fucked up their lives so much.

I guess it's enough they both just bury me and we're all naked in bed together and I just let it slip out.
'I fucking love the shit outta both of you,' I say.

How can they both give so much for me? I'm nothing.

What really messes me up is what Ri tells me after Seth drifts off.

'If you really want to, you can share both of us. It's pretty fucking obvious how we both feel about you.'

tainted - 21

2010-01-01T22:03:00.000-05:00

It's only a few days later when the letter comes from dad and yeah mom just passed. I didn't want to be at the funeral, but even so I'm just a drunk mess cos I'm so mad and feel guilty and the rest of it just shocks me cos dad wrote like two pages apologizing for how he treated me and wants to see me, he's flying into Burlington next week, I guess I shoulda been sitting before I opened it cos all I remember is dropping the pages and then shit went black.
Ri is picking me up and Seth is standing there and I guess they both read it which is fine cos prolly most of my life got fucked up by all these secrets and suppression and Seth gets me some vodka, ya, he seems to be doing much better now, I put down several glasses before I get real sick and Ri holds my hair up while I just puke and mostly it lands in the toilet.
And they're both holding me cos I guess enough of the liquor hit me before I puked I can barely stand but I need more and fuck it means a lot to me that they're both here now cos I'll never be like I was with Seth but we still care. And Ri is just the best boyfriend anyone could ever want to have and Seth is like the best friend anyone could hope for.

I make Seth give me a glass or four I won't puke up and I'm just shaking now if not for them I think I'd come to pieces at once. On the one hand I want dad to see me in person and see I've found good people who will always take care of me, I want him to see how good Ri is to me, but I'm so scared this all blows up cos I know on the most basic level he won't accept that and I never told him me and Ri got married. But at the same time I get how fucked up it must be to lose someone you care about, or once cared about, I mean all those years he's gotta be feeling so lost now and this may well be the last time I feel like seeing him.
'What do you want to do?' asks Seth, ever as subtle as me, I sorta half laugh.
But my decision is pretty easy and pretty fucking overdone I guess.
'We'll get a suite at the hotel and meet him for brunch.'

It's pretty fucking overkill but it's a fucked up mix of me wanting to show dad how together I am now, even though I'm only not a mess in how I feel about them to be honest, and maybe part of it is I want him to feel a bit of pain for how much shit he did to me by basically putting my life on hold. Ri and me were kid sweethearts and it sounds stupid but I'm pretty well sure even when I was like 15 I knew we were supposed to be together and none of this shit woulda ever happened. The only bad part is I would've prolly never gotten to meet Seth, though I kinda believe on some level we would've met cos it seems like that was also meant to be.

'Tell him to change hotels,' says Seth. 'Stay at the one on the lake. I...I know the guy who runs it...prolly everything or most of it I can get comped, he was the only one to give me real food there.'
I just nod cos I know how Seth arranged that one, I don't fault him cos well he's the best survivor I ever knew.

Which scares the shit out of me that if not for us, he prolly wouldn't be alive today.

happy new year's eve?

2009-12-31T09:30:00.000-05:00

he tosses the mouse which knocks over the speakers
sucks down an alcopop
too many of those didnt guess how much aggro he got
lights incense so he can smoke
ignores banging on the door
and now he cries cos
if he just could tell them
there wouldn't be so many broken up bics in the bathroom
if he just could tell him
maybe this all goes away
maybe they just curl up in bed and nothing hurts anymore
but it seems theres only one way to make it all not hurt anymore
suck down the alcopop
suck on the p-funk
banging on the door
open window and lean out so smell is less obvious
crank the music
make everything hurt til it feels good again
back to long ago when nothing felt bad
more than a skinned knee
ten more alcopops ten more p-funks
maybe at least then sleep will happen without fighting dreams

fuck yeah but is this worth it?

2009-12-31T02:41:00.001-05:00

It's almost 2010.
Hmmm...my most honest post. Sometimes not really giving a fuck is a powerful incentive though yeah some of you who've never talked to me before could really hurt me before by rejecting me before reading this whole thing. That's so you know. I do love everyone who appreciates what I write.
Wtf has this world come to. Gestapo, Stasi, GRU, KGB is back, after bloggers who make political commentary. And in part cos what passed for normal and cool with depeche mode did in 'question of time' -- excellent as all of their songs are -- and Judy Blume did years back in books that have prolly been cancelled, fuck, Romeo (15), Juliet (13), I'm wondering if this is worth it cos I'm not I'm not exactly good in martyr mode, I tend to piss people off.
So if you guys say fuck yeah I keep going forward cos I'm not stupid I'm sorry it seems as if half of Britain is smashed off their ass most of the time by age seventeen and in most places parents are only good parents if they at least buy their kids the booze to make up for splitting up amid broken dishes, which it's been a year I've been following well over a dozen people ages 16-22 that seems to be the case from al over.
Do I care if a kid (ergh I say 'kid' about anyone cos after Cheney and Bush calling anyone adult is an insult), do I care if a kid enjoys his WKD at home with Selfish Punk and bangs out tweets about when he had to piss? No, I think it's actually cool.
It may seem stalkerish but hey you're the ones sharing shit on Twitter and making shit so fucking crystal clear how different shit is from my parents' generation than mine and fuck I never knew which way to go til about a year ago today and if you think thats creepy than block me, I'm sorry I ended up being the most meaningless generation producing the most worthless president in memory so I gotta go one way or the other and I actually I understand the internet and use it 24x7, I don't think <3 is math, I just never hooked onto the bullshit that was planned for me so I'm kinda stuck.
Cos now I totally get the younger ones than me and totally hate the ones older than one me (well they fucked the world up) and I did vote for the fucker but I so regret it now but maybe this is just like end of empire.
I never met anyone my age that impressed me. I've met older that have very much so, younger that have extremely so like Nick and Kier, both of whom pushed me so hard I thank them, both incredible artists that well deserve massive credit for great works.And DC
SB, you've never once been Sarcastic but I <3 ya and fuck if you get the split money lets run off to Key West and be a celebrity breakup couple :p

Sasha I know you've been through a lot this year, a lot of shit and I hope you know you can get me by email or phone or just come out and crash here and be broke together cos I think htat's not the worst thing every to happen. I love you as a good friend.

I'm totally blowing this cos I suck at this sort of thing and I'm forgetting people I know I am 2009 has been so fucking amazing in the people I met.
Biggest thing is, even if it's not right now, Sam, dont be my Jake <3 :) U Know there what I mean tho erg cos Sam <3Jake? Yuck.

Maybe this world just sucks but S. u kno how I feel.
-d

tainted - 20

2009-12-30T13:59:00.002-05:00

I wasn't built to deal with this much emotion in this little time. It's only Ri who keeps me going cos he's just perfect, he's managing to keep me afloat with this balance of vodka and love and surprise sex and just enough food to keep me from getting sick. I can see how much this is wearing on him but I just feel like a flat tire that's gotten Fix-A-Flat five too many times.
Seth is still real weak but maybe out of the woods cos yesterday he sat up for the first time and ate solid food and they weren't gonna stop me from going in then and just talking to him and he looks so scared, I guess it's a mix of never being a kid who couldn't take care of himself for years and never actually believing me and Ri would really be there for him, his life hasn't exactly made him a trusting person.
He's still not very strong but kinda fills me in a bit, I don't get all the details but apparently something bad happened to Evan and he's pretty well sure the kid is dead or close after trying to score even tho Seth warned him to be careful. When I saw him he hadn't eaten for days except whatever the restaurants threw out, all he ever managed to find pretty easy from the street kids was alc or pot. It didn't help that we had a huge cold spell where it pretty much stayed at zero or lower for days and two days before his lighter ran out so he had no warmth, it was only him trying to desperately light a fire from the free paper that he saw our hasty announcement and well it was the only thing he thought might keep him alive if he found us.
And the doc freaks cos I hug him but Ri stops him and just tells him to let me cos well we both need it. I don't know exactly why but I know if I lose either of them I'll lose myself, the only person I ever lost I really really cared about was grandpa and turns out I was even lied to about how that went down. I'd die myself before I could let either of them, that's the fucking truth and I can't change that, society may not fucking get it but Ri does and so does Seth which is all that matters to me.
I'm bad cos I ask them to get him some juice and Ri reads me with a roll of the eyes and asks the doc something while I sneak a bit of vodka into it for Seth.
But now I just wanna know when we can take him home, when it's safe to do it, it's been days and this is just an awful place for him to be stuck when he could be home with us.

An hour later after dealing with a social worker and making all kinds of promises we have two bags full of pills for him and we're going home, it's snowing so hard it's thundering.

But Seth is sleeping sound, I made a point to be the one to check on him every hour all night so Ri gets some sleep.

He still coughs a bit but I make sure to give him meds, sometimes so much I forget almost to take mine, and this is just a bad chain of shit but at least he's happy here in our home and he's eating real food.

I just need a month with nothing horrible happening to get my shit back together.

tainted - 19

2009-12-28T18:15:00.000-05:00

I roll over, my head aching from the vodka and eyes stuffed with sleep. There's still a bit of vodka left so I chase away my angry banshee of a hangover with it.
That's when I notice it's almost noon and Ri isn't there and right when I start to panic and think he fled, couldn't deal with any of this anymore, then the room door opens and there's Ri, looking really tired to be sure but he manages a ghost of a smile.
'I just went to check on Seth. He's doing a bit better,' he says. 'I gave them the room phone number in case anything changes. I picked up coffee and food and I'm not sure I should have but-'
He's got coffee in one hand and vodka in the other and tries to offer me the coffee but that's not gonna happen, not yet, I need to get numb before I jump-start myself. This could get really addictive, it's like bang, instant the pain vanishes.
'You're starting to drink way too much,' he whispers, gesturing to the empty from last night which I swear I don't remember buying a bottle that big or maybe it grew overnight like a nightshade plant well-fed with pain.
'I know,' I say, and not even angry or anything at him for pointing that out, just exhausted.
He makes me eat a bit which I wish he could've grabbed something less greasy cos my stomach does not enjoy its breakfast. I almost puke but stop myself just in time and light a cig which settles it some.
'Here,' says Ri. 'Close your eyes.'
And the last thing, if anyone had asked me, is just what I need, he's down on me so soft at first then rough I think he's gonna suck all the cum out of me. He knows my noises too well cos instant I'm almost there he stops and just plays with it gently and then he's slipping inside of me so gentle, his hand stroking my pubes but just stopping short of my dick. I can't hold back anymore and shoot all over the place which makes him push deeper in me than ever before, his breath against my neck while he cums in me just tingles so nice and perfect that I make him leave it in after and drift off with inside me.

It's dusky out when I wake back up to him fucking me again and it makes me feel so safe, makes me feel like he's got control of things even tho I've turned into something of a mess. I let him cum as much as he wants, just enjoying the feeling of him in me without needing to myself. But then he insists on giving me a bath and I never expect his hands stroking me to feel so fucking awesome, I'm so sleepy still but so relaxed that I drift in and out of sleep with him not stopping til I finally cum again and kiss him deep.

I'm so in love with him and before he can react I've pulled him into the tub with most of his clothes on and we just spend hours kissing. He knows he made me feel a thousand percent better just cos it's like I always thought and trusted so well, we were meant to be forever.

I just look into his eyes, so beautiful I could fall right in and never come out.

happy boxing day

2009-12-26T14:51:00.000-05:00

even though americand don't know what that even is isi.

i still have vodka
i talked to one aunt i kinda get and still not much diff really wanna see her
my mom hung up on me
i got yelled at by all of them
not very christian
but who is?

i don't see myself as a bad person
oi just treat people good and expect it back

that's all, love me and i'll love you back.

2009-12-25T13:17:00.000-05:00

family, fuck it. if i'm so broken you broke me, but just like any kid you want to fix it.

i don't believe in god or any of that shit.

and u hate that i'm gay well go fuck yourselves.

i am not ashamed of who i am anymore.

no thanks to you.

happy xmas

2009-12-25T00:14:00.000-05:00

i think i mujst be imsane
all my cousins grown up and my age
all the kids i fucked around with
they're well adjusted christians
they'd always let me suck or jerk them off back then

cold in the car but his hand finds me and fuck he's good i cum in like two minutes
but we're sxiteen
and this isn't so cool for him now
i wanna suck him
he wont let me

so fuck it
hide another five years
before it all overflows
and i realy learn how to

hate myself properly.

tainted - 18

2009-12-23T13:44:00.001-05:00

Later I decide I want a cig.
It's miserable outside, the snow is now balancing between wet and just plain sleet, the kind of raw damp that will eat through all the clothes I own.
Ri joins me and I light him one, crappy cheap cigarettes from the 24-hour gas station down the street.
'They want to keep him overnight,' he says. 'At least overnight. They got fluids into him and meds and he's been asleep all afternoon.'
'What next?'
'We just take it one day at a time. Hey,' he whispers. 'If it weren't for us...he'd be a lot worse off.'
I'm just mixed up beyond belief now, though, cos if it weren't for me, it would never have gotten this fucked. And at the same time I love Ri different, like as what we are, married, I think Seth and me would have only been a nonstop crazy fucked up train wreck that would eventually have gone off the tracks and at best left us as friends with a lot of anger and regrets. And maybe I'm cursed to be like this, I never had any good example of how this couples shit was supposed to be after all.
'Is he gonna be okay for the night? I mean...he's not gonna...' I ask, can't even bring myself to say that last word.
'They say they got him stable.'
There's a shabby hotel across the road with a Wendy's and a liquor store and I really need to visit all three and crawl into a warm bed and just cry. I'm mad at myself cos I'm asking too much of Ri and scared for Seth and freaked cos I'm sure Ri sees himself back in this same position with me down the road.

I need to see for myself but they won't me get too close cos I might get sick too. Seth looks better than I thought he would, still really weak and way too thin, but he seems to be sleeping peacefully and I catch a glimpse of a smile there on his face which makes me hope that he's having nice dreams. That he's sleeping so sound and not tossing and turning gives me a lot of relief. I just try to ignore all the tubes and shit around him and focus on that smile. It was only weeks ago when it was there most of the time.

Forty bucks for the room, fifteen for shit vodka, and a half-eaten chicken sandwich later I get my warm bed and finally can cry, I just curl up and make Ri squish me.

That's one of the things I love about him most. He knows what I'm feeling without me having to say a word.

tainted - 17

2009-12-22T10:48:00.002-05:00

Ri as usual seems to be much better able to deal with bad shit than I ever was, fuck, he just lost his grandpa but he's the one who deals with getting Seth checked while I sit there numb, too numb to cry even though I want and need to so bad.
He brings me coffee a few minutes later.
'Doc is doing his tests,' says Ri quietly. 'Seth isn't doing good. He's got pneumonia they say.'
I just let that sink in, wish I'd never let him leave with Evan, who the fuck even knows where Evan is anymore but maybe Seth would be in better shape if I'd made him stay.
I manage to rest my head on Ri's shoulder and fall into a deep sleep almost at once.
And I dream of my world, rolling steadily toward a cliff and gathering so much speed it's starting to smoke.

tainted - 16

2009-12-19T17:41:00.000-05:00

It's a bit too easy and a bit sad because I know how I feel about him and sure he feels the same but there's no one here to be happy for us. It's not required by Justice of the Peace but I still try to make it seem like in the movies and give Riley a sloppy wet one.
This feels too much like business which it is and I always hoped it would be like in the movies but no it's us in wet sneakers and hoodies just saying it was real and maybe it should be that simple always, no white doves, no flowers, nothing. No one cares about us so I didn't expect a crowd but there was one kid there I barely recognized.
'Seth?'
He tries to stand up but falls back down and fuck he's lost like sixty pounds since I last saw him and pale as fuck. I don't know what to say cos I'm shocked. Then Ri that picks him up and says 'You're gonna come home' and Seth just manages to nod and then we're in the rental car doing 110 on I-89 to get back home I don't know why we never got pulled cos this was a rear wheel drive and it was going all over the place with Seth piled up in back under everything warm we could find, at least he's stopped shaking.

'Is it okay? After the storm we get him to doc.'
I just nod and Ri feeds him a pill from mine and pulls out the sleeper and makes a fire.
The snow is coming down hard now and the fire is barely keeping the place warm and fuck this is just all out making me love Ri so much all I can do is plop on the floor and drink cos I'm so overwhelmed. I know I can't deal with Seth dying on us too, and Ri is just going all out to take care of him, makes up Shepherd's Pie and makes him eat.

'You can't be this good of a person,' I whisper, well okay I'm pretty much flopped on the floor now cos I drank like ten shots and he just lies next to me and throws a blanket over us and looks right in my eyes. Seth coughs from the other room and that hurts me, I'm so scared cos I just hope this whole thing doesn't cave in on us, and I know if it does there's only one person to blame, really, only one left to blame now.
'It's family,' he says. 'Someone you care about needs help, you were there for me.'
Which makes me feel safe but somehow real sad cos he's right, but it's also true this is the only family we have left.

It's a long quiet ride to the hospital the next morning, my stomach so up in knots I don't think I'll ever eat again.

tainted - 15

2009-12-19T02:09:00.002-05:00

Purple is the color of the day. Only cos black isn't a color, it's both of us and it's not like these things are spose to be, or maybe that's just in movies cos I only been to one of these once. It's not raining or snowing or even cloudy it's just cold and sunny but the sun gives off no warmth.
Here in front of god and everyone he doesn't care, he's just glad I'm here and totally draped over me, people are looking at us like wtf but I don't really give a fuck. I know he won't cry here, or he'll try not to, so I got us a room at the Radisson right on the lake which well that kinda hit the money quite a bit but I gotta take care of him now cos I'm all he has left.
I order up some room service and make him eat at least a few bites but then he just breaks down and I hold him while he cries. It hurts me so bad to see him in so much pain and fuck I never thought loving someone could really hurt so much. It feels like someone poured acid on my heart and squished it into pulp.
And his grandpa left us a future which is almost worse cos I know every time we walk into his store, now our store, it's gonna make him think of this day.
The sun is setting over Lake Champlain and it looks almost like biblical all red and gold burning cold over ice and snow and blinding and for a minute I think of putting on the TV to distract him but he's too much of a mess to be distracted now by anything, I just give more of the $40 room service vodka I ordered to shut the pain down some and there's a nice big tub here so I make him a bath.
It's not even sexual really I just want him to know he's warm and cared for when I give him a bath, just massage his head and his hands and shoulders while he closes his eyes and fuck this is so difficult for me cos I love taking care of him, I do, it's just strange. Cos I'm only 18 and I know this is the person I was always meant to be with the rest of my life somehow.

I don't know really if the bath cheered him up or he just felt he was being too depressing but now he wants to watch something on Pay-Per-View and we're cuddling under the blanky watching some stupid romantic comedy when he just blurts it out.

'Can we get married?'

Prolly he shoulda waited til I wasn't halfway into a gulp of vodka cos I spit it out in shock and just cough for a few minutes before I reply.

'Yeah, of course.'

Like I said I may be only eighteen but I've never said anything in my life I'm more sure of.

tainted - 14

2009-12-17T15:02:00.002-05:00

'How do you two feel about each other?'
Mr. Kopp decided to nail us with that five minutes after I told my dad to not open the sealed envelope and I don't even pretend, I make us all drinks.
But I want to see how Ri answers cos I know my answer but it's still so hard for me to trust anyone.
'Grandpa-' starts Ri which makes the man choke on his drink but Ri keeps on, 'he knows, okay? He knows more about me than anyone.'
'Riley, I have cancer. It's metastasized.'
And fuck this morning is just going so well I wanna dive into a pool of vodka and never come up but Ri can't take this as good as me, he faints and I just manage to catch him and fuck it's lots of crying and the man is clearly a bit uncomfortable at me being affectionate and comforting at the same time. Riley can't speak. This has gotta be the worst fucking day ever.
I mean, the only reason Mr. Kopp is here is cos Riley called and was scared my dad would hurt me like before. But dad is gone and I told him I never wanted to see him again.
So now it's just us and now it's my turn I just hug both of them and maybe that was wrong to do cos Mr. Koop starts really crying and so is Riley and my T is soaked from both their tears and for once Ian says something that makes sense despite being in total panic attack just four words and I say 'yeah of course dumbass.'
Cos I want that and turns out for us at least things went better than I could imagine.

The rest, well, it's a fucking train wreck I gotta help Ri through but that's okay cos I love him. And I love anyone that loves him, too. But this is hard as fuck on Ri cos now he's gonna have to deal with two people he cares about maybe in hospital and I just go back to where I wish I'd never walked into anyone's life and fucked shit up so bad for them by making them care about me.

'How long?' Ri asks in a whisper that runs like a frozen knife through my spine.
'I'm going into Fletcher Allen in Burlington day after tomorrow. They tell me, I probably won't be coming out.'

And it's only like two now but there's been too much crying and now more and I get why Ri is crying cos Mr. Kopp pretty much saved him from hell. I don't think I ever saw someone who knew they had just days left and it's kinda creepy how calm he is, how he's even comforting Ri when fuck he's the one out of time.

And for that split second I just see myself in that same spot, I guess I understand cos I at least managed to find my true love before I end.

tainted -13

2009-12-16T02:40:00.001-05:00

I'm so bleary I don't think to put on a T and next I know I'm staring at dad.
'You didn't call for three weeks,' he says.
'Why would I? You remember Riley, right, my boyfriend now?'
And that was kinda mean to say but so mean as hitting your fourteen year old kid for tryin to figure himself out.
He just looks down and I make a point of us hugging each other and even give Riley a kiss and turns out he made a call cos 'dad' is standing there not five minutes before Mr. Kopp shows up.
'David,' says my dad with his usual fake politeness. He offers a hand but Mr. Kopp ignores it.
'Why are you here?' I ask dad.
And he just is standing there in the snow and it's only cos Riley and his grandpa are there I bother to invite him in and give him a coffee that's half not coffee. He chokes a bit and just looks at me with this stupid look of how'd he manage to lose me but I know all the answers now he didn't just lose me all at once and throw them at him like poison darts before Ri just pulls me back and tells me to calm down cos he's like that, he's not like me, even with all the shit done to him he's a good person who's kind to the people who treated him like shit.
There's a long pause and Mr. Kopp just stands back a ways cos he can tell Ri is okay, it's me that needs protecting, but it's now the three of us standing on one side and dad on the other.

'Your mother is dying in the hospital, son. She wants to see you,' says dad.
I flip out for a minute spitting out shit about her dropping me in the toilet first then all his lies before and he backs up like a man facing a dangerous animal and it's only Riley stopping me but I can be pretty slippery so I just punch the man as hard as I can which sends all kind of shit flying there's eggs all over the floor now. And fuck if that doesn't feel so good but now I'm about to fucking fall apart cos no matter how bad she was she is my mother and I can't crack in front of my dad so I make Riley pull me into our room and I even miss the bed I just drop to the floor and he's holding me and I'm crying as quiet as I can while his grandpa tries to act normal that's just unfair to Mr. Kopp and Ri I know but I don't need this shit.

I scribble out a folded note.

You fucked up my life from as early as I can recall
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anything for you
I don't hate you
I just don't fucking care
To be honest you deserve what you're getting
And dad deserves worse

It's the truth, and the truth usually hurts

tainted - 12

2009-12-15T02:33:00.001-05:00

It's amazing how much time can fly, how fast. Three weeks ago I threw my cel phone as far into the woods as I could after I bought a new one, the only people who will ever get that number are the doctor and social worker Ri made me get set up with, Ri, and Seth.
The worst part isn't even the creeping fear of getting sick and dying, the fear the meds they gave will suddenly stop working. It's the fucking paperwork from hell just to get treated without getting a huge bill, and Ri has been the best for me there, helping at every step and holding me when I get so scared I can't sleep, holding me when the nightmares they give me jump me in my sleep and wake me up.
We're drinking a lot to be sure, but Mr. Kopp got us doing lots of work so I guess we're pretty much at zero balance with him. Plus I gotta admit it's really cool cos when he figured out me and Ri were finally together again he looked so relieved and happy. It's a routine that prolly isn't so healthy but fuck six weeks ago it woulda only gone way worse, and Ri and me got the place set up with a satellite dish and an HDTV we got too cheap to question, a week later we hit up Goodwill and got a decent couch that even folds out into a bed.
I wanted that cos I wanna make sure Seth has a place to crash if he needs it, that's one of the worst nightmares I have is imagining him dead of hypothermia or something else. And Ri understands that and I know that's gotta be hard but I can't just throw out how I feel about Seth, Ri knows I check in every few days to make sure Seth is okay.
We probably keep the Smythes afloat, well, they make 'unofficial liquor' and the nights may be a bit fucked up but fun, we just watch some bad movie on free cable or whatever and make out some.
I'm excited cos apparently we might get a hot tub, one of those pre-assembled jobs they sell and someone had at Mr. Kopp's rental before they got deported. That'll just be so cool, I waited til it hit forty and froze myself to death to help pour the concrete base for it.
It's all such routine but it feels so safe and Ri takes good care of me.
Sometimes, though, nightmares pop out in bright sunshine. We always get Sunday off, sometimes Saturday too, this weekend we get both so a big jug of moonshine and I make a big spread of Mexican food while Ri fucks around til he figures out how to get us actual pay movies like stuff much newer than we usually get. That sounds stupid, I know, but I was getting a bit tired of 'Hunt for Red October,' great movie for sure but I think we've watched that like eight times or more.
I get out the chips and salsa first and he was expecting the toxic shit to drink that we're both scared to smoke around but I snuck out and got good stuff so I made margaritas, I don't know if I said it before but one of my grammas was Mexican so I kill at making Tex-Mex.
Ri is surprised and that makes me so happy cos we've been so broke most of the time I think we ate Asia out of rice, but I got more up my sleeve, been working on it for a long time and all from memory but I made mole (not the animal! It's like some ancient Aztec or Mayan thing I think). I don't know if you ever had that but it's an awesome sort of Mexican soup, chocolate, chilis, chicken, lots of veggies, and no I'm not bout to tell Ri there's chocolate in it.
Maybe my memory wasn't the best cos he takes one bite and he's like 'fuck this is awesome' then he's begging for water. Must've overdone the chilis. But he eats the whole thing and before long we're cuddled up in front of a brand new movie and the mole is gone.
'Where'd u learn that?' he asks.
'Mamasita, my mom's mom. She did it way better, but I tried.'
'You're just full of secrets, aren't ya?'
'Only good ones left for you to figure out.'
And we just wasted the six bucks I guess cos we're on the floor in front of the fire, naked, giggling.
'I really wanna fuck you all night,' he says.
'Twist my arm.'
He laughs and fuck if he doesn't just draw it out, just sliding his hard on between my cheeks and stopping and starting. I'm lying face down on our Goodwill rug and fuck before I know it it's light and I don't think the rug ever gets dry, he's just so slow and gentle that by five it's like silk sliding in and out and my dick is starting to hurt cos I've cum so much.

I roll over and the clock says eleven and wow, headache but he's just lying there naked and he's so beautiful. I get up quiet and find the moonshine and make us both a big glass. I have this urge to fuck him just as long as he did me but I wanna catch him off guard.
'Here' and he coughs but before he can say anything I make him drain the glass and drag him into our tiny shower before he's really awake and tease him a bit pushing against him, just a bit of lube and I'm in. He gasps but I can't control myself quite as good as him cos I cum in like five minutes. He laughs a bit and we flop to shower floor and share some more moonshine, not even caring the shower's still running and getting water in it. Times like these that we share...I just have to say it.
'I'm so fucking in love with you,' I say before I realize he said almost exactly the same thing at the same time.

We're both so hungover and drunk at the same time all we do is pull on jeans and I make us scrambled eggs like he loves, extra soft with tons of cheese.

And that's when there's a knock at the door.

on the first day of christmas

2009-12-13T12:55:00.000-05:00

my boyfriend said to me 'I fucked the houseboy'.

cool blog..check it and more stuff

2009-12-12T18:51:00.001-05:00

A damned good writer and you should sub >>

http://watchinharrison.blogspot.com/

Meanwhile guys pls comment on tainted cos I need feedback.

thx
<3
doug